He's At It Again!

My family (mom, dad, brother, sister, sister's boyfriend, me, my husband, and our son) is going to an amusement park tomorrow. Admission to this amusement park includes admission to the adjacent waterpark.

I just broke the news today that me, hubby, and our son would not be joining them for the waterpark portion. I explained that hubby is uncomfortable swimming with girls. This is half true. Hubby is uncomfortable with a bunch of bikini clad babes swarming around him, but he's also uncomfortable with me swimming in my board shorts and rashguard. I know it's not 'hijab' but compared to what most will have on, I truly think for the situation it could be safely called modest.

But n.e. wayz...I told them we wouldn't be going and my dad started again. "When you started dating, did you know that you wouldn't be able to do all of these things?" (water parks, wearing shorts...that's it I guess, lol)
"Of course not."
"Well, I tried to warn you. They're very strict over there. Does that mean your son can never go to a waterpark."
"I really don't know, dad, but even if it did, it wouldn't kill him."

Um...I think I'd rather have the man of my dreams than a pair of shorts any old day.

Of course, as he ponders this information he randomly confronts me for the remainder of the evening.

"Why was it okay for you to wear shorts while you were dating, but it's not okay now?"
"I can wear them, hubby would rather me not and it's really not a big deal to me."
"But why didn't it bother him before?"
"It did, but he was afraid to tell me. "
"Well, what if he decides he doesn't want you to be a Christian?"
"Dad...they're shorts."
"Yes, but he has this influence over you."

You know what this means....once I DO tell them, they won't believe that it's my own decision. It will all be to please my husband or due to his influence (er, brainwashing). That makes me feel just greeeat.

"Okay, I'll drop this whole waterpark business if you promise me you'll stay a Christian."


He really said that. 'promise me you'll stay a Christian'

"yeah, Dad."
"Jesus died for your sins, you have to remember that. And you have to teach your son that. It's your responsibility that he becomes a Christian."
"I am not responsible for his choices."
"But you're responsible for teaching him. I never see you reading him Bible stories. You have to make him Christian or your husband will make him Muslim."




I have to tell them soon or I'll go mad. Our family vacay tomorrow would be one giant fight, though, if I had told them tonight.

Hmm. I wonder when it'll happen.


In other news, my grandma had hernia surgery today. All went well alhumdulillah! She is already at home. :)

I Couldn't Tell Him

I hate where I'm at in my life right now. Trapped between my family and my husband. Trapped between Christianity and Islam.

My dad was being really weird today. They (my family) notice changes in me, and they don't like them. Most often they just step around the issues like walking on eggshells...but every once in awhile, they feel their glare at my long pants is not enough, every once in awhile, they feel the need to speak their concerns.

On Sunday I had a family reunion. I wore a floor length skirt. My dad objected, "It's going to be 94 degrees!" "Uh-huh," my response. Tired of asking the same question, today he makes it a statement, today he has accepted defeat. "You don't wear shorts anymore." There is so much embedded in that statement, hatred for my submission, hatred for my husband's control over me.... "I can. I choose not to." Discussion closed. Easier for him to believe my husband is controlling than to believe I think God expects this of me.

Monday. Today. I added Arabic to my schedule for the fall semester because it's my last semester on campus. I'm on scholarship, so if I were to take Arabic after graduation, I'd be out about $700. My dad gets home from work. "Did mom tell you I changed my schedule? I don't have lunch anymore."
"What, no, she didn't tell me? When are you going to pump(breastmilk for your son)?"
"Mom will feed him babyfood and juice while I'm gone. I'll be home by 1:30, I can just eat and feed him when I get home. It's my last semester so I decided to add Arabic. It conflicted with my registered English class, so I had to choose a new one. The only one with room meets during lunch."
(getting upset) "ARABIC? Why would you take that?"
"You know I've been wanting to learn. Teaching myself obviously hasn't been working that well. (My son) will speak it, too, you know. It'd be nice to understand him."
"I just don't want you becoming Muslim. (his greatest fear) You're scaring me. I don't want you to go crazy on me."
"What does me taking Arabic even have to do with that?"
conversation ends with the above rhetorical question.

Jump to....tonight. Presently. As I'm typing. My father keeps coming back in my room and sharing another tidbit of "advice." Although his advice is not advice at all...they're commands.

I walked in my room, and my dad sheepishly followed me in. I smoothly ask "and you're in my room because...?" I can tell something big is on his mind, but instead he goes on about a babysitter for my birthday (next week) and who's driving to the amusement park this weekend. Oookay? I wait for the bombshell.
3

2

1

"There is something else I want to ask. I, I don't really know what or how I want to ask. You know you have to stay Christian, right?" (of course, father, I know I have no choice but to blindly follow your religion)
"yeah"
"And you know you can't just start thinking that being a Muslim is alright? Cause it's not. They need Jesus." (actually you need to get your focus back on God, but....)
"Yeah, Dad."
"And you're getting married (next summer, legally) for love, not just because you have a baby, right?"
"Yes, Dad" (this one is actually true)
"He still treats you good."
"Yes, Dad."
"He doesn't force you to do stuff like a Muslim? I mean, how many things can you not do that you would like to?" (hug boys (i.e. my cousins, hubby got jealous about that), wear shorts, go swimming...but it's really not due to my husband, it's due to the fact that I need to please Allah with my actions)
"Nothing, Dad."
"(looking questioningly)okay, it's just, you aren't one of them. You're an American with a voice, I want to make sure that you're being heard in your relationship. You shouldn't have to live under the oppression that women live under in Muslim countries."
(breaking the pattern) "and you know how people live in other countries how?" (by the biased news, that's how. my dad hasn't left the country since he was 12)
"Your fights with (your husband)...they aren't because he wants you to do Muslim things? They're just for normal reasons, right?"
"Yeah, Dad. Everyone fights."
"But not all the time, right?"
"No, it's not all the time. And it's normal little things."
"Okay, normal things. Like the baby, good." (uh, what?)
I continue, "You're making me uncomfortable, could you please leave me alone?" (sweetly, honestly, I wasn't being rude)

he leaves.

3 minutes later. Re-entry.
"I just have to say one more time, you can't think that being Muslim is okay. Saying that you don't need Jesus for salvation is the same as rejecting him."
"Uh-huh, Dad. You're in my room again."

Exit.

2 minutes later.
"And I'm worried about (your son). Are you still going to be able to go to (our church) once you're married, or will you always have to go to that one out of town (the one he thinks I go to every other weekend...)"
"We don't even know where we'll live yet, Dad. We both need jobs."
"Well, if you want Mom to continue to watch (your son) it'll have to be nearby..."
"We BOTH need jobs. Then we'll decide where to live."
"Well, I like (neighboring county)."
"Uh-huh."
"(your husband) could get Dave to hire him full-time after graduation." (he's working for Dave now at our university for his internship...my father also works at our university...how convenient!)
"I don't really think that's what he had in mind."
"Why? I don't want him only looking for jobs in Musim 'enclaves.'"
"He's not just looking for a job in "Muslim enclaves," he's looking for a job, period. But the one at (university) isn't what he had in mind. He wanted to work for a company."
"Alright."
"Now could you please stay out of my room? I don't want to have to lock the door on you?"

laughs as he exits

My dad also acted like if I was planning on living as a Muslim after we got married (which is actually the plan), that he wouldn't let us get married at all.

WHAT????

I hate myself for not taking the opportunity to actually tell him...he gave me the perfect opening. I just don't want to live in the hell my family will create for me for the next 10 months. My dad now throws Jesus into all conversations. My brother innocently mentioned that our grandma's been watching reruns of 'Touched by an Angel.' "I don't like that show," dad replied. "What, we always watched it?" "They don't mention Jesus. It's no good if they don't point to baptism as the key to salvation."

UGH!!

My poor father left my room in good spirits thinking he had confirmed my unshaking faith and convinced me that living nearby is necessary for our happiness and well being.

If he only knew what i was typing as he was talking. I was honestly typing this in between his interrogations.

I'm afraid God gave me this uncomfortable opening for dialogue. And I didn't take it.

I'm a chicken.




I don't know how to get past this.