I Wish

I had a mosque to call home.  I've never even been in a masjid.  There are some decent ones about 1.5 hours from here, I think.

Where we're moving to, the closest mosques are over 2 hours away.  There's definitely a church on every street corner, though...

I'm not complaining about the churches.  Just making a comparison.  Why can't it be as easy to find a mosque that "fits you" as it is to find an appropriate church?  I'd be lucky to have any mosque at all, let alone one that has similar progressive ideas as I do.

Insha'Allah one day it will be easier to worship as a Muslim in the United States.

I'd be lying...

if I said I didn't like Christmas.  I understand that as a Muslim, I'm supposed to feel that Christmas is either a) a holiday rooted in paganism, therefore, haraam, or b) a holiday celebrating the birth of Jesus, promoting shirk, therefore, haraam.

But, you know what?  I don't feel that way at all.  I feel that Christmas is so openly celebrated here in America by people of different faiths/no faith at all for one real reason...because winter sucks, and we need distraction to get through it.  A LOT of people, myself included, suffer from seasonal depression and having the holiday season to look forward to used to make things better for me.  Then, after my conversion when I was made to feel guilty about the holidays I used to love, my depression only got worse.  Now, I'm done.  I'm done lying to myself and to God.  I like Christmas.  It's been a part of who I was growing up and I feel ripped off when I think I don't get to share it/pass it on to my son.  Why do all of my husbands traditions get to go to my son, but not mine?  Sure, I changed religions, but I didn't change my heritage.

Don't get me wrong, I see the fault in my logic.  I don't take my son to church even though I was raised there, I'm not going to allow my daughter (if I ever have one, insha'allah) to be on the dance team even though I was, etc. etc.  I KNOW parts of my life are incompatible with Islam.  But, perhaps my faith is just weak, perhaps I'm in denial...or perhaps God really does judge OUR INTENTIONS. 

I intend to not make myself nor any member of my family miserable this holiday season.  I intend to let my son experience some of the joy, wonder, and excitement of the holidays that I got to have for 21 wonderful years.  I intend to buy my family gifts because I love them and I like to surprise them with things that they wouldn't feel they could buy for themselves.  I intend to visit with my relatives, share stories, play games, etc. etc. 

I do not intend to worship Jesus (pbuh).  I do not intend to worship any pagan deity either.  I bear witness that there is none to worship other than Allah.



For awhile Islam was really depressing me.  I felt like I couldn't be me anymore.  My family could tell that I was unusually reserved and bordering on miserable.  I was left with two choices 1) leave Islam altogether or 2) ease up on my Islam.  Quit PRETENDING to be convicted on things that I'm NOT.

I am ALMOST there with hijab.  Almost.  I don't know if it's a belief that Allah commanded it, though, or just a desire to be recognized as a Muslim.

I've already shared a lot of the things I don't feel so convicted about, though. Birthdays, dancing, gender mixing (honestly, if a group of adults in committed relationships cannot get together for dinner, a board game, or a Qur'an study without going mad and sexing one another, then they must be mentally unstable).

Dancing, dancing, dancing.  We've all seen the Arab men dancing in their thobes on youtube, and even the news.  Why is it not wrong for them to dance in public?  And don't you even go on about men and women attracted differently, blah di blah di blah.  I find men attractive.  And to say that a man dressed immodestly has no effect on women is bull $*#@.  I understand belly dancing, um, super seductive and a no, no.  But, if those Arab "super Muslim" men (because that's often how they view themselves) can do those traditional dances in their thobes for all to see, then why can't I play DDR in the mall?

My cousins have that Just Dance game on the Wii.  It's ridiculously fun.  The first time they played I stood my ground and declined.  Finally my sister wore me down and got me to play against her.  It felt so good to dance again.  Just the other day they were playing it again at a family gathering.  I didn't fight it this time.  I played at least 3 rounds.  I could see the relief on my mom's face.  It was like, "We didn't lose Nikki."  Because they almost did.  I almost let myself disappear.  All for the sake of others.  Not what I believe in personally.

So there.  Have at me.  I feel happy.  I was happy to be with my family on Thanksgiving.  Happy to shop with my mom the day after.  Happy to play Just Dance the following day at a cousins birthday party.  Am I in denial? Is my life totally incompatible with Islam?   I hope not.  And I can't help but think I'd have at least an inkling of guilt if Allah was trying to deter me from these acts.

My husband will often say, "Don't you think it looks bad for a woman in hijab to behave like such and such..."  Meaning when I'm loud, or playing rather exuberantly at the park with my son and niece, or get all huggy on him.  But I'm like...no?  It looks like she's HUMAN.  She has emotions, energy, and a LOVE for LIFE and ALLAH who created it.  So if you see a hijabi who is less than subdued, who obviously thinks piety does not mean loss of personality, then Assalamu'alaykum.  We may have just met.

House Hunting

Apparently over the holidays is not a good time to look for real estate.  :(  No one is returning my e-mails or calls...(obviously, Thanksgiving, Black Friday) and I am SO excited about some of the properties I've found that I'm just so nervous that they'll disappear if I don't act quickly and snatch them off the market.  We're looking for rental since we'll only be down there two years (unless hubby lands a good job following school) and I feel like I've found us the perfect little duplex...  Now all I need is Ms. Southern Drawl to CALL ME BACK.

All of these people are going to think I have an accent, lol.  I am from the accent-less midwest, and I'm finding these voicemails quite amusing.  The last woman I called pronounced Grey's as Graws. 

Thanks Everyone

Thanks everyone for the encouraging comments and prayers on my last post.  Alhumdullilah, alhumdullilah...the day after I wrote that, my husband received the admission he had been waiting for for four months!  I checked the mail and was so sad that he did not receive anything, but then suddenly he received the admission letter through his e-mail that night!

We now at least know what town and state we are moving to.  Also, he can start filing the paperwork for the correct university.  Alhumdullilah!

Some other issues still aren't resolved.  My wonderful SIL and niece are actually moving back to KSA tomorrow in order to try and get some help.  I am so sad to see her go (actually crying presently) but even more sad for my son who will miss his cousin and his aunt terribly.  How do you say goodbye to someone you love when you don't know if/when you'll see them again?  Especially when health problems are the cause of the seperation...  :(

Once we move away, sadly he will have even more people to miss and I am worried about the impact this will have on him.  He gets quite restless with just me around, and since we're moving in the winter, I fear it will be hard to get out at all, let alone make friends for my two year old.  :(  He doesn't go to daycare, too young for preschool, etc. etc.  He is a VERY social boy and I am truly concerned for his well-being.

Allah answers prayers, though, as seen by what just happened with the acceptance letter...  I pray that my sister in law will get well and be able to come back to the U.S. by next summer.  I pray that my son will not forget his aunt and cousin and all the fun times they've shared so far (insha'Allah all will be well and more fun will be had later...insha'Allah, insha'Allah).  I pray that we make friends in our new home and don't suffer from winter depression (which is always a problem for me anyway) and loneliness.  I pray, I pray, I pray that God will bless us all, my family and yours.  And keep us always on the straight path.  Ameen.

Not feeling blogger lately...

Sorry, all.  I just kind of got burnt out of blogger and really basically all social networking mediums.  I'm sure I'll be back sometime, I tend to go through stages like that.  I still do check periodically, but not daily by any means.

Life has got me stressed.  And rehashing the stress on here doesn't make it go away, just makes more people aware of it.  Moving/hubby's grad school is the main stressor currently, although there are other crazy issues that make me feel like my life is a very strange/almost movie-like at times.  I'll not elaborate.  And I am fine.  I'm happy with my marriage, content with Islam, etc. etc.  There's just times when you look at your life and think, really?  this is happening to me/someone I know?  And you are 100% flabbergasted.

Since I can't do anything to help the stressful situations aside from pray, I choose to not think about them.  I've been reading a lot of novels lately.  For some reason I find it much easier to be caught up in some fictional characters stressful life than my own (and their lives are generally far worse than mine).  I borrowed seven books from my brother today.  Since we're moving my book suppliers (brother and sister, we borrow  back and forth) are going to be too far away so I took a bunch and am hoping to finish them all before the move (which I guess will be in late December).

We don't know where we're moving in late December.  That's part of the stress.  We can't look for an apartment because we don't even know which state we'll be in.  Hubby can't file his scholarship paperwork because he doesn't know what university he'll be at.  He's afraid to pay for the filing of his immigration paperwork because he fears if the scholarship doesn't go through in time he'll have to go back home and the immigration process will come to a halt.

That's a whole lot of unknowns.  And that barely scratches the surface.  I pray that the admission letter we're waiting for comes tomorrow....we're working on borrowed time, as is. 


I realize this was a big jumble of thoughts.  That's why I haven't been posting.  I can't slow my mind down enough to write something coherent.