I was accepted within one day and I've already registered for classes. It seems going to grad school at the same university you did your undergrad at with an academic scholarship and a 4.0 makes the whole admittance thing fairly easy.
I've already registered for classes and owe over $2,000. Insha'Allah it will be worth it. Alhumdullilah, I completed my undergrad on scholarship and actually had so much left over (I had many...)that I think I can cover the entire cost of this program. Alhumdullilah, alhumdullilah, Allah provides.
Friday, December 17, 2010
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Since when have I thought things through...
During a sudden spell of insanity...I applied for graduate school.
Huh. Didn't see that one coming.
Huh. Didn't see that one coming.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Still getting ready to move...
So we rented a cute little duplex. Mailed the signed lease and security deposit today. Dumped the movers. Found Jameel (the guinea pig) a new home. And packed a few boxes.
What I'm really saying, is we aren't ready at all, and the duplex is ready for us Dec. 27. YIKES!
The moving company gave us a $1900 quote. I guess since we're on the second floor and we're moving 4 hours away...but still, we aren't moving ANY appliances at all, not even a microwave, so you think it would have been a little more reasonable. I told them thanks but no thanks. We'll get some friends to help us for free and load up a Uhaul for $300. Sure we'll have gas costs on top of that, and my husband will be terribly grouchy, but we'll have saved over a thousand dollars, lol.
I'm nervous and excited all at the same time. I'm already missing my family because I'm basically snowed in here just living 30 minutes away. Imagine 4 hours....yuck, yuck.
In other news...it's FREEZING. At 10 o'clock this morning my husband was getting ready to go to work and told me to check the temp. I told him, "why bother, it's glacial..." And true to my word, it was a whopping 3 degrees Fahrenheit. 3 degrees at 10 a.m. Sucks, it does. We have ice on the inside of our windows, lol.
I'm glad I don't live in Alaska. I couldn't stand winter for that long.
What I'm really saying, is we aren't ready at all, and the duplex is ready for us Dec. 27. YIKES!
The moving company gave us a $1900 quote. I guess since we're on the second floor and we're moving 4 hours away...but still, we aren't moving ANY appliances at all, not even a microwave, so you think it would have been a little more reasonable. I told them thanks but no thanks. We'll get some friends to help us for free and load up a Uhaul for $300. Sure we'll have gas costs on top of that, and my husband will be terribly grouchy, but we'll have saved over a thousand dollars, lol.
I'm nervous and excited all at the same time. I'm already missing my family because I'm basically snowed in here just living 30 minutes away. Imagine 4 hours....yuck, yuck.
In other news...it's FREEZING. At 10 o'clock this morning my husband was getting ready to go to work and told me to check the temp. I told him, "why bother, it's glacial..." And true to my word, it was a whopping 3 degrees Fahrenheit. 3 degrees at 10 a.m. Sucks, it does. We have ice on the inside of our windows, lol.
I'm glad I don't live in Alaska. I couldn't stand winter for that long.
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Group Project - You should take a peak
http://jkklgroup10.wordpress.com/
One of my (non Muslim) friends from university did a group project for her graduate studies and this blog is the end result(or, continuous result?).
I know she and the group would be thrilled to know that their work was being read by Muslims, and especially Muslims outside our small geographical area.
One of my (non Muslim) friends from university did a group project for her graduate studies and this blog is the end result(or, continuous result?).
I know she and the group would be thrilled to know that their work was being read by Muslims, and especially Muslims outside our small geographical area.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
House Hunting TOMORROW!
I thought we were going Saturday but then we had a blizzard and my husband had a giant final paper, etc. etc.
So, we get to test out the 'ol Southern hospitality re: hijab tomorrow. :)
I hope we can find a place that really feels like home. I don't want to "settle" with a too small/too shabby property. I don't think we'll have to because the cost of living is (Alhumdullilah!) lower where we're going.
So, we get to test out the 'ol Southern hospitality re: hijab tomorrow. :)
I hope we can find a place that really feels like home. I don't want to "settle" with a too small/too shabby property. I don't think we'll have to because the cost of living is (Alhumdullilah!) lower where we're going.
frustrated
Alzheimer's is a bitch.
Excuse my French, but there is nothing I abhor more than this vicious disease that is taking both of my remaining grandparents away from me one memory at a time.
Screw you, Alzheimer's. Screw. You.
Excuse my French, but there is nothing I abhor more than this vicious disease that is taking both of my remaining grandparents away from me one memory at a time.
Screw you, Alzheimer's. Screw. You.
Friday, December 3, 2010
Will they still be so nice?
So I've been calling rental properties left and right trying to get them to let us view them tomorrow. The people all have an accent and are very very nice.
I'm afraid when we show up at the property tomorrow and my husband is brown and I'm in hijab, though, I'm afraid they might suddenly stiffen up.
Have you ever had a bad experience due to hijab, where someone was nice on the phone but then not in person?
I'm afraid when we show up at the property tomorrow and my husband is brown and I'm in hijab, though, I'm afraid they might suddenly stiffen up.
Have you ever had a bad experience due to hijab, where someone was nice on the phone but then not in person?
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
I Wish
I had a mosque to call home. I've never even been in a masjid. There are some decent ones about 1.5 hours from here, I think.
Where we're moving to, the closest mosques are over 2 hours away. There's definitely a church on every street corner, though...
I'm not complaining about the churches. Just making a comparison. Why can't it be as easy to find a mosque that "fits you" as it is to find an appropriate church? I'd be lucky to have any mosque at all, let alone one that has similar progressive ideas as I do.
Insha'Allah one day it will be easier to worship as a Muslim in the United States.
Where we're moving to, the closest mosques are over 2 hours away. There's definitely a church on every street corner, though...
I'm not complaining about the churches. Just making a comparison. Why can't it be as easy to find a mosque that "fits you" as it is to find an appropriate church? I'd be lucky to have any mosque at all, let alone one that has similar progressive ideas as I do.
Insha'Allah one day it will be easier to worship as a Muslim in the United States.
Monday, November 29, 2010
I'd be lying...
if I said I didn't like Christmas. I understand that as a Muslim, I'm supposed to feel that Christmas is either a) a holiday rooted in paganism, therefore, haraam, or b) a holiday celebrating the birth of Jesus, promoting shirk, therefore, haraam.
But, you know what? I don't feel that way at all. I feel that Christmas is so openly celebrated here in America by people of different faiths/no faith at all for one real reason...because winter sucks, and we need distraction to get through it. A LOT of people, myself included, suffer from seasonal depression and having the holiday season to look forward to used to make things better for me. Then, after my conversion when I was made to feel guilty about the holidays I used to love, my depression only got worse. Now, I'm done. I'm done lying to myself and to God. I like Christmas. It's been a part of who I was growing up and I feel ripped off when I think I don't get to share it/pass it on to my son. Why do all of my husbands traditions get to go to my son, but not mine? Sure, I changed religions, but I didn't change my heritage.
Don't get me wrong, I see the fault in my logic. I don't take my son to church even though I was raised there, I'm not going to allow my daughter (if I ever have one, insha'allah) to be on the dance team even though I was, etc. etc. I KNOW parts of my life are incompatible with Islam. But, perhaps my faith is just weak, perhaps I'm in denial...or perhaps God really does judge OUR INTENTIONS.
I intend to not make myself nor any member of my family miserable this holiday season. I intend to let my son experience some of the joy, wonder, and excitement of the holidays that I got to have for 21 wonderful years. I intend to buy my family gifts because I love them and I like to surprise them with things that they wouldn't feel they could buy for themselves. I intend to visit with my relatives, share stories, play games, etc. etc.
I do not intend to worship Jesus (pbuh). I do not intend to worship any pagan deity either. I bear witness that there is none to worship other than Allah.
For awhile Islam was really depressing me. I felt like I couldn't be me anymore. My family could tell that I was unusually reserved and bordering on miserable. I was left with two choices 1) leave Islam altogether or 2) ease up on my Islam. Quit PRETENDING to be convicted on things that I'm NOT.
I am ALMOST there with hijab. Almost. I don't know if it's a belief that Allah commanded it, though, or just a desire to be recognized as a Muslim.
I've already shared a lot of the things I don't feel so convicted about, though. Birthdays, dancing, gender mixing (honestly, if a group of adults in committed relationships cannot get together for dinner, a board game, or a Qur'an study without going mad and sexing one another, then they must be mentally unstable).
Dancing, dancing, dancing. We've all seen the Arab men dancing in their thobes on youtube, and even the news. Why is it not wrong for them to dance in public? And don't you even go on about men and women attracted differently, blah di blah di blah. I find men attractive. And to say that a man dressed immodestly has no effect on women is bull $*#@. I understand belly dancing, um, super seductive and a no, no. But, if those Arab "super Muslim" men (because that's often how they view themselves) can do those traditional dances in their thobes for all to see, then why can't I play DDR in the mall?
My cousins have that Just Dance game on the Wii. It's ridiculously fun. The first time they played I stood my ground and declined. Finally my sister wore me down and got me to play against her. It felt so good to dance again. Just the other day they were playing it again at a family gathering. I didn't fight it this time. I played at least 3 rounds. I could see the relief on my mom's face. It was like, "We didn't lose Nikki." Because they almost did. I almost let myself disappear. All for the sake of others. Not what I believe in personally.
So there. Have at me. I feel happy. I was happy to be with my family on Thanksgiving. Happy to shop with my mom the day after. Happy to play Just Dance the following day at a cousins birthday party. Am I in denial? Is my life totally incompatible with Islam? I hope not. And I can't help but think I'd have at least an inkling of guilt if Allah was trying to deter me from these acts.
My husband will often say, "Don't you think it looks bad for a woman in hijab to behave like such and such..." Meaning when I'm loud, or playing rather exuberantly at the park with my son and niece, or get all huggy on him. But I'm like...no? It looks like she's HUMAN. She has emotions, energy, and a LOVE for LIFE and ALLAH who created it. So if you see a hijabi who is less than subdued, who obviously thinks piety does not mean loss of personality, then Assalamu'alaykum. We may have just met.
But, you know what? I don't feel that way at all. I feel that Christmas is so openly celebrated here in America by people of different faiths/no faith at all for one real reason...because winter sucks, and we need distraction to get through it. A LOT of people, myself included, suffer from seasonal depression and having the holiday season to look forward to used to make things better for me. Then, after my conversion when I was made to feel guilty about the holidays I used to love, my depression only got worse. Now, I'm done. I'm done lying to myself and to God. I like Christmas. It's been a part of who I was growing up and I feel ripped off when I think I don't get to share it/pass it on to my son. Why do all of my husbands traditions get to go to my son, but not mine? Sure, I changed religions, but I didn't change my heritage.
Don't get me wrong, I see the fault in my logic. I don't take my son to church even though I was raised there, I'm not going to allow my daughter (if I ever have one, insha'allah) to be on the dance team even though I was, etc. etc. I KNOW parts of my life are incompatible with Islam. But, perhaps my faith is just weak, perhaps I'm in denial...or perhaps God really does judge OUR INTENTIONS.
I intend to not make myself nor any member of my family miserable this holiday season. I intend to let my son experience some of the joy, wonder, and excitement of the holidays that I got to have for 21 wonderful years. I intend to buy my family gifts because I love them and I like to surprise them with things that they wouldn't feel they could buy for themselves. I intend to visit with my relatives, share stories, play games, etc. etc.
I do not intend to worship Jesus (pbuh). I do not intend to worship any pagan deity either. I bear witness that there is none to worship other than Allah.
For awhile Islam was really depressing me. I felt like I couldn't be me anymore. My family could tell that I was unusually reserved and bordering on miserable. I was left with two choices 1) leave Islam altogether or 2) ease up on my Islam. Quit PRETENDING to be convicted on things that I'm NOT.
I am ALMOST there with hijab. Almost. I don't know if it's a belief that Allah commanded it, though, or just a desire to be recognized as a Muslim.
I've already shared a lot of the things I don't feel so convicted about, though. Birthdays, dancing, gender mixing (honestly, if a group of adults in committed relationships cannot get together for dinner, a board game, or a Qur'an study without going mad and sexing one another, then they must be mentally unstable).
Dancing, dancing, dancing. We've all seen the Arab men dancing in their thobes on youtube, and even the news. Why is it not wrong for them to dance in public? And don't you even go on about men and women attracted differently, blah di blah di blah. I find men attractive. And to say that a man dressed immodestly has no effect on women is bull $*#@. I understand belly dancing, um, super seductive and a no, no. But, if those Arab "super Muslim" men (because that's often how they view themselves) can do those traditional dances in their thobes for all to see, then why can't I play DDR in the mall?
My cousins have that Just Dance game on the Wii. It's ridiculously fun. The first time they played I stood my ground and declined. Finally my sister wore me down and got me to play against her. It felt so good to dance again. Just the other day they were playing it again at a family gathering. I didn't fight it this time. I played at least 3 rounds. I could see the relief on my mom's face. It was like, "We didn't lose Nikki." Because they almost did. I almost let myself disappear. All for the sake of others. Not what I believe in personally.
So there. Have at me. I feel happy. I was happy to be with my family on Thanksgiving. Happy to shop with my mom the day after. Happy to play Just Dance the following day at a cousins birthday party. Am I in denial? Is my life totally incompatible with Islam? I hope not. And I can't help but think I'd have at least an inkling of guilt if Allah was trying to deter me from these acts.
My husband will often say, "Don't you think it looks bad for a woman in hijab to behave like such and such..." Meaning when I'm loud, or playing rather exuberantly at the park with my son and niece, or get all huggy on him. But I'm like...no? It looks like she's HUMAN. She has emotions, energy, and a LOVE for LIFE and ALLAH who created it. So if you see a hijabi who is less than subdued, who obviously thinks piety does not mean loss of personality, then Assalamu'alaykum. We may have just met.
Friday, November 26, 2010
House Hunting
Apparently over the holidays is not a good time to look for real estate. :( No one is returning my e-mails or calls...(obviously, Thanksgiving, Black Friday) and I am SO excited about some of the properties I've found that I'm just so nervous that they'll disappear if I don't act quickly and snatch them off the market. We're looking for rental since we'll only be down there two years (unless hubby lands a good job following school) and I feel like I've found us the perfect little duplex... Now all I need is Ms. Southern Drawl to CALL ME BACK.
All of these people are going to think I have an accent, lol. I am from the accent-less midwest, and I'm finding these voicemails quite amusing. The last woman I called pronounced Grey's as Graws.
All of these people are going to think I have an accent, lol. I am from the accent-less midwest, and I'm finding these voicemails quite amusing. The last woman I called pronounced Grey's as Graws.
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Thanks Everyone
Thanks everyone for the encouraging comments and prayers on my last post. Alhumdullilah, alhumdullilah...the day after I wrote that, my husband received the admission he had been waiting for for four months! I checked the mail and was so sad that he did not receive anything, but then suddenly he received the admission letter through his e-mail that night!
We now at least know what town and state we are moving to. Also, he can start filing the paperwork for the correct university. Alhumdullilah!
Some other issues still aren't resolved. My wonderful SIL and niece are actually moving back to KSA tomorrow in order to try and get some help. I am so sad to see her go (actually crying presently) but even more sad for my son who will miss his cousin and his aunt terribly. How do you say goodbye to someone you love when you don't know if/when you'll see them again? Especially when health problems are the cause of the seperation... :(
Once we move away, sadly he will have even more people to miss and I am worried about the impact this will have on him. He gets quite restless with just me around, and since we're moving in the winter, I fear it will be hard to get out at all, let alone make friends for my two year old. :( He doesn't go to daycare, too young for preschool, etc. etc. He is a VERY social boy and I am truly concerned for his well-being.
Allah answers prayers, though, as seen by what just happened with the acceptance letter... I pray that my sister in law will get well and be able to come back to the U.S. by next summer. I pray that my son will not forget his aunt and cousin and all the fun times they've shared so far (insha'Allah all will be well and more fun will be had later...insha'Allah, insha'Allah). I pray that we make friends in our new home and don't suffer from winter depression (which is always a problem for me anyway) and loneliness. I pray, I pray, I pray that God will bless us all, my family and yours. And keep us always on the straight path. Ameen.
We now at least know what town and state we are moving to. Also, he can start filing the paperwork for the correct university. Alhumdullilah!
Some other issues still aren't resolved. My wonderful SIL and niece are actually moving back to KSA tomorrow in order to try and get some help. I am so sad to see her go (actually crying presently) but even more sad for my son who will miss his cousin and his aunt terribly. How do you say goodbye to someone you love when you don't know if/when you'll see them again? Especially when health problems are the cause of the seperation... :(
Once we move away, sadly he will have even more people to miss and I am worried about the impact this will have on him. He gets quite restless with just me around, and since we're moving in the winter, I fear it will be hard to get out at all, let alone make friends for my two year old. :( He doesn't go to daycare, too young for preschool, etc. etc. He is a VERY social boy and I am truly concerned for his well-being.
Allah answers prayers, though, as seen by what just happened with the acceptance letter... I pray that my sister in law will get well and be able to come back to the U.S. by next summer. I pray that my son will not forget his aunt and cousin and all the fun times they've shared so far (insha'Allah all will be well and more fun will be had later...insha'Allah, insha'Allah). I pray that we make friends in our new home and don't suffer from winter depression (which is always a problem for me anyway) and loneliness. I pray, I pray, I pray that God will bless us all, my family and yours. And keep us always on the straight path. Ameen.
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Not feeling blogger lately...
Sorry, all. I just kind of got burnt out of blogger and really basically all social networking mediums. I'm sure I'll be back sometime, I tend to go through stages like that. I still do check periodically, but not daily by any means.
Life has got me stressed. And rehashing the stress on here doesn't make it go away, just makes more people aware of it. Moving/hubby's grad school is the main stressor currently, although there are other crazy issues that make me feel like my life is a very strange/almost movie-like at times. I'll not elaborate. And I am fine. I'm happy with my marriage, content with Islam, etc. etc. There's just times when you look at your life and think, really? this is happening to me/someone I know? And you are 100% flabbergasted.
Since I can't do anything to help the stressful situations aside from pray, I choose to not think about them. I've been reading a lot of novels lately. For some reason I find it much easier to be caught up in some fictional characters stressful life than my own (and their lives are generally far worse than mine). I borrowed seven books from my brother today. Since we're moving my book suppliers (brother and sister, we borrow back and forth) are going to be too far away so I took a bunch and am hoping to finish them all before the move (which I guess will be in late December).
We don't know where we're moving in late December. That's part of the stress. We can't look for an apartment because we don't even know which state we'll be in. Hubby can't file his scholarship paperwork because he doesn't know what university he'll be at. He's afraid to pay for the filing of his immigration paperwork because he fears if the scholarship doesn't go through in time he'll have to go back home and the immigration process will come to a halt.
That's a whole lot of unknowns. And that barely scratches the surface. I pray that the admission letter we're waiting for comes tomorrow....we're working on borrowed time, as is.
I realize this was a big jumble of thoughts. That's why I haven't been posting. I can't slow my mind down enough to write something coherent.
Life has got me stressed. And rehashing the stress on here doesn't make it go away, just makes more people aware of it. Moving/hubby's grad school is the main stressor currently, although there are other crazy issues that make me feel like my life is a very strange/almost movie-like at times. I'll not elaborate. And I am fine. I'm happy with my marriage, content with Islam, etc. etc. There's just times when you look at your life and think, really? this is happening to me/someone I know? And you are 100% flabbergasted.
Since I can't do anything to help the stressful situations aside from pray, I choose to not think about them. I've been reading a lot of novels lately. For some reason I find it much easier to be caught up in some fictional characters stressful life than my own (and their lives are generally far worse than mine). I borrowed seven books from my brother today. Since we're moving my book suppliers (brother and sister, we borrow back and forth) are going to be too far away so I took a bunch and am hoping to finish them all before the move (which I guess will be in late December).
We don't know where we're moving in late December. That's part of the stress. We can't look for an apartment because we don't even know which state we'll be in. Hubby can't file his scholarship paperwork because he doesn't know what university he'll be at. He's afraid to pay for the filing of his immigration paperwork because he fears if the scholarship doesn't go through in time he'll have to go back home and the immigration process will come to a halt.
That's a whole lot of unknowns. And that barely scratches the surface. I pray that the admission letter we're waiting for comes tomorrow....we're working on borrowed time, as is.
I realize this was a big jumble of thoughts. That's why I haven't been posting. I can't slow my mind down enough to write something coherent.
Friday, October 22, 2010
It's Been a Bit
For awhile I felt I was posting like crazy, and then it died down.
Weaning is making me super emotional/slightly depressed. Does Islam say to stop breastfeeding at 2? or can you go past that? We're down to one feeding a day and I worry so much about him getting enough cow's milk (he doesn't like it) that it'd just be so much easier to breastfeed.
Today my husband turned 24. For our combined birthdays my parents sent us to a Jim Brickman concert. It was great, a had a slight panic attack when people I knew were coming at me from all sides and i was wearing hijab. I honestly ran outside. Out the doors and into the cold. My husband was like, what in the world, if you're going to be this way just take it off. I regrouped though and went back in when things looked a bit clearer. I'm sure they saw me, but I'm rude (don't mean to be) when I'm in hijab and ignore everyone I knew "prior" for fear of judgment. In a crowd of strangers, hijab makes me more outgoing, in a crowd of familiar faces, hijab causes me to go into complete isolation mode.
Anyway, the concert was really great. We've listened to his music together for years and it was nice to get to share something like that with Noah away at the grandparents house!
Also, Jim Brickman is a pianist. Most of his songs had no words, and those that did had only inspirational words or were pure love songs. Don't bother telling me it was haram because my husband is Shi'a and believes the quality (meaning lyrics, use, etc.) of music determines whether or not it is permissible. To me, this makes the most sense since I cannot see why an instrumental, uplifting piece of music is a bad thing. Especially when in the Psalms of David (which are from God according to the Qur'an) often mention singing, playing the harp and other stringed instruments, etc. etc. as forms of praise and worship.
It was a good day, but now it's 2 in the morning and I have no idea why I'm still sitting here typing this.
I love you all for the sake of Allah.
Goodnight!
Weaning is making me super emotional/slightly depressed. Does Islam say to stop breastfeeding at 2? or can you go past that? We're down to one feeding a day and I worry so much about him getting enough cow's milk (he doesn't like it) that it'd just be so much easier to breastfeed.
Today my husband turned 24. For our combined birthdays my parents sent us to a Jim Brickman concert. It was great, a had a slight panic attack when people I knew were coming at me from all sides and i was wearing hijab. I honestly ran outside. Out the doors and into the cold. My husband was like, what in the world, if you're going to be this way just take it off. I regrouped though and went back in when things looked a bit clearer. I'm sure they saw me, but I'm rude (don't mean to be) when I'm in hijab and ignore everyone I knew "prior" for fear of judgment. In a crowd of strangers, hijab makes me more outgoing, in a crowd of familiar faces, hijab causes me to go into complete isolation mode.
Anyway, the concert was really great. We've listened to his music together for years and it was nice to get to share something like that with Noah away at the grandparents house!
Also, Jim Brickman is a pianist. Most of his songs had no words, and those that did had only inspirational words or were pure love songs. Don't bother telling me it was haram because my husband is Shi'a and believes the quality (meaning lyrics, use, etc.) of music determines whether or not it is permissible. To me, this makes the most sense since I cannot see why an instrumental, uplifting piece of music is a bad thing. Especially when in the Psalms of David (which are from God according to the Qur'an) often mention singing, playing the harp and other stringed instruments, etc. etc. as forms of praise and worship.
It was a good day, but now it's 2 in the morning and I have no idea why I'm still sitting here typing this.
I love you all for the sake of Allah.
Goodnight!
Friday, October 15, 2010
My son's birthday is coming up and I want to relive his "birth day"
I find it to be a semi-amusing story, and I'm wasting time because I don't want to clean the guinea pig's cage...so here goes. I know it's long. It's more for me to remember...if you don't want to read it, I guess I can't blame you.
I went to school and work on Friday, November 7, 2008. I was just day's shy of 36 weeks pregnant. Everything was going perfectly. I had made arrangements with all teachers (but one stubborn arse) to take my finals early because I was due on Dec. 5, 2008, which was either during finals week or right before, don't exactly recall.
My son decided to shake things up, though. On Saturday morning (11/8/08), I met with two LING 413 classmates (funny the details that stick and those that leave) at a coffee house in my husband's town (now my town, as well) to work out a plan of action for our group presentation on bilingualism. (I think that was the presentation topic...again, funny the details that disappear). We met, we laughed, we planned...and I went to my husband's apartment. He was working and I planned on surprising him by cooking for him. I cooked (something out of a box, lol, very asian-y). He wasn't home. I turned off the burner and went to the bathroom. There was blood when I wiped, which was alarming. I called my husband. He asked, do you think you need to go to the doctor, and I was like, "psh, no." I was tired, and having no children at the time, had the luxury of laying down when tired. (oh how i miss being able to do that!)
I laid down, and had the most intense back ache, but just for a few seconds. Then it stopped. I had sciatic nerve pain throughout the end of the pregnancy so thought maybe this was something similar/related. Then it happened again. I tossed and turned trying to get comfortable but it kept on happening!
At this point I called the doctor. Told him about the blood, not sure about the back pain (detail, deleted from memory). I remember him saying, "Come in to be monitored if you start having contractions with the blood." I didn't comment, just thought, hmmm...contractions? Could it be?
I took labor classes, contractions took place in your uterus, in the front, like period cramps, right? Right? What were these back pains? I started timing them using some awesome internet contraction timer site (yes, awesome, you push the space bar every time it stops and starts and it keeps track for you). I remember feeling numb. I remember my husband coming home from work, the food cold on the stove, a plate of it in front of me with me just idly moving my fork around, not really eating. I was sitting on the bed with my plate of food, staring at the computer screen, going spacebar...pause...spacebar...pause...spacebar...pause. He was like, "what are you doing?" I was like "timing my contractions." He was like "contractions! @#%&@!" And I was like, "I think." He's like, "how far apart?" I was like "3 minutes." He's looking more and more frazzled, I'm still numbly timing away...
"Aren't we supposed to go to the hospital at 5 minutes apart."
"Yeah...and the doctor said I should go and be monitored if I started having contractions."
"When did he say that"
"When I called him."
"Well why didn't you tell me!"
"You were at work."
What the heck was going on in my mind? I'm 21 years old, in labor with my first child, and totally nonchalant.
He finally convinces me to actually go to the hospital. Neither of us ate the food I cooked.
We decide not to tell my parents. Because surely it's a false alarm...I mean, they didn't feel like contractions...no need for them to come all the way to the hospital for nothing.
We drive to the hospital calmly, joking, laughing about how this isn't how we imagined it.
He drops me off at the hospital doors. Instead of checking in I just wait for my husband to find a parking space and walk to meet me. I calmly go to the front desk and tell him I need to go to labor and delivery and he looks at me like I'm insane. I am not acting like a woman in labor is supposed to act. I go back, the get me in an annoying gown, strap a monitor to me, and lo and behold, I'm in labor. I'm also 4 cm dilated.
I'm in labor!?!?
I remember the contractions on the monitor were like, not small ones. The L & D nurses were shocked because these were some big time contractions and I was barely feeling them. They told me maybe I was going into labor early because I was dehydrated, so they gave me a giant cup of ice water, and put an IV in with some hydration liquid as well. This did not stop contractions. It did, however, cause me to have to go to the bathroom one million times. (when hooked up to a monitor and an IV, this task requires helpers...great)
Their next brilliant plan was to give me shots to try and slow labor, and hopefully put it off until closer to my due date. They gave me a shot...checked me...not working. Gave me another one and told me to stay until morning, when they'd check me (for dilation) again and see if I was having a baby or not. (Keep in mind, I went in around 6:30 p.m. and they're asking me to spend the night "just in case"...I wasn't thrilled)
This is when I called my parents and was like "Hey, you know that hospital bag that I started to pack...kind of need it."
As expected, they went into full on panic mode. Came to the hospital in all their expectant grandparent glory, etc. etc. I was living with them at the time, and they were having renovation work done on their house at the time. This means, the baby's room was nonexistant (a dresser and a piano). No crib, no changing table, etc. The crib at my husband's apartment, was in pieces. My dad and husband decided to go to the apartment and put that crib together, so just in case the baby came that night we'd have a place to sleep the following night. In short, we were unprepared.
They left, promising they'd come back in the morning (I think they even skipped church...which they don't do). I was not checked for dilation again until 9:15 or so the next morning. The world's loooongest wait. It was like "am I having a baby today or not???" I remember crocheting in the middle of the night, lol. The nurses thought I was so odd. I didn't feel contractions, and I crocheted while in labor (and I was only 21 which made me crocheting seem even more unusual).
Anyway, at 9:15 I was checked and I was like, I don't even remember, I was "more" dilated. I remember the doctor on call looking at me with his nasty cervix checking glove on his hand saying "You're having a baby today!" like it was the best thing ever.
That's when calm, crocheting Nikki left, and panicked Nikki took over. There was no longer any possibility of turning back. There were no more shots, no more big cups of water...the baby. was. coming.
They moved me to a delivery room but kept me hooked to that stupid monitor the WHOLE TIME. In those labor classes they taught us that different positions are so much more helpful in labor than laying down. Basically, laying flat on your back is the worst possible position to be in, because gravity isn't helping you out. So here I am, with all this knowledge. Strapped down to a bed. They asked if for religious reasons (I had refused pork the night before)I'd prefer a girl doctor/midwife and I said yes. (I wasn't a Muslim yet but still...if they were offering I was taking!)
I didn't realize that this request would mean I would not go checked from 9:15 in the morning until 4:30 in the afternoon. OMG. The nurses checked on me, yes, but not for dilation/progression. They gave me morphine sometime in the morning to help me relax/sleep between contractions (I was feeling them now). They told me you couldn't take it after 7 cm and you could only take two doses. So they gave me that one in the morning, and then I asked for it later and the nurse said "Oh honey, you can only have it twice and you've got a long way to go." Meaning, we'll give it to you later.
She didn't check me...how'd she know how much longer I had to go???? Turns out, she didn't. BUT, luckily she didn't give me the morphine because when the wonderful (God bless her) midwife came and checked me out I was 9 cm dilated. 9!
That midwife was seriously the answer to prayers. My doctor was a medicine/epidural pusher and I didn't want that stuff. The midwife asked about my preferences, gave me saline acupuncture shots for my back pain (I had 24 hours of straight back labor) and told me I'd be pushing soon.
The saline shots worked. Just so you all know. If you ever have a baby's head repeatedly pressing against your spine...get some saline, a syringe, and shoot it into four pressure points on your back.
Anyway, I remember them saying it was time to push, and suddenly my 24 hour labor didn't seem long enough...I wasn't ready for this!
My mom was very misleading when discussing this with me before hand. She said, pushing is the easy part, it's like relief.
What a load of crap. If I could have 5 more hours of labor with no hour of pushing I'd seriously trade. Pushing sucked. I pushed and pushed and pushed. She told me to grunt....I tried, and she told me it was too high. Like, if my grunt isn't the right pitch the baby won't come out? Anyway, I'll spare the details because some of you may have actually read this far. My son was born, hooray! I'd read so many books saying you needed to establish breastfeeding right away that when they handed him to me I tried to feed him even before they weighed him, measured him, bathed him...they thought I was crazy.
Turns out, I didn't actually get to breastfeed him for another 10 days or so. He was having respiratory problems and they took him away from me. That was very, very hard. They're taking my son and I'm confused and thinking "I've got to establish good breastfeeding habits..." and suddenly they're saying words like, torn cervix, stitches, local anesthetic?... and then suddenly everything comes into focus when I hear, "No, (my angel midwife from before is now out to torture me...no meds during delivery did not mean no meds post delivery....) I bet she's still numb (meaning natural numbing, not medicated, remember) from the birth. You bet, huh? So I grimace and flinch in pain as they stitch up my cervix wondering where my baby was taken and when I'll get to hold him again.
The family is told of the birth (my husband was with me the whole time, God bless him) and they all excitedly come to visit terrible looking me. And find no baby. It's honestly a bit heartbreaking to remember. So many people would come, not just that day but on day's following, to meet our son and all they ever got to see was me. Some of them got to see him through a NICU window, others saw no trace of him at all. Me, my husband, my sister, her fiance, my husband's sister, my parents, and my grandma's all got to go in the NICU and hold him, alhumdullilah. The rest had to be content waiting.
So they move me to the room I'll stay in for a day or two, offer me some pain medicine, and do not even mention my son. What is going on?! I had a baby...right? Finally around 11 (I had him at 6:12 p.m.) a nurse tells me I can see him if I want. Of course I want! I go, and he's strapped to every machine imaginable. He's sleeping. I ask to hold him and the nurse says he's so tuckered out, that it was best that I didn't. (watch my heart break again...) She said that it would have been better for me to come at feeding time. Because I could change him and help feed him, etc. etc. This is the first time I realize they've given him formula (angry!) and also the first time I realize I'm welcome in the NICU at all times, but especially during feeding times. i don't know why no one told me sooner, but from that point on I went to as many of my son's feedings as I could. I also borrowed a pump from the hospital and expressed my breastmilk for him.
The NICU staff was flabbergasted by my devotion to pumping. I woke myself up every three hours round the clock to pump. By the time he was released from the NICU 12 days later there was a whole crate of my unused breastmilk in their refrigerator. They fed it to him, but I was making more than he was drinking. I think I created an oversupply, which probably explains my frequent bouts with mastitis.
So anyway, he's in the NICU. I get released from the hospital. They let me secretly stay one extra night (not turned in to insurance) to be close to him but then I have to leave. I visit him for at least two feedings a day, rocking him to sleep after each meal.
I'm at home without a baby. All I've got is an annoying, painful breastpump to wake me up at night. I also have school to get back to.
I went to class that Wednesday, November 12, 2008. Three days after my son was born. It was probably a poor choice, but I'm a straight A student and was super stressed about missing the end of the semester. It was really neat to go back to class where everyone knew you as pregnant on Friday, and then they see you on Wednesday and it's like, they do a double take. (I lost everything I gained before coming home from the hospital, honestly...since then I've lost 10 more pounds from this constant breastfeeding). So I went to my classes, talked to my teachers, and got out of most everything. (Hooray!) I had to come back to take two finals, but my projects were cancelled. My final research papers were still due in LING 413 and ENG 305, but the English one had an extension until the end of Christmas break. It worked out wonderfully. I quit attending classes and went back only when I felt I needed to hear the material and to take the finals. With my son in the NICU, going to school was actually quite easy, because he had the best care possible 24/7.
Again, poor choice, though. They say to not even go grocery shopping for 2 weeks...it is quite painful to walk/stand after having a baby so, yeah, um, yeah.
That's about the whole tale. I guess. Even if it's not, I'm tired so we'll pretend it is. My son came home, and has been there ever since save for a few night's with the grandparents and a 5 day hospitalization due to an FPIES reaction. He's in his bed now, where I hope he will stay until morning. BUT, he's moved to my bed every night for the past month probably, so that's extremely wishful thinking.
November 9, 2010 will be his second birthday. My husband was like, why are you so excited...it's not like you were having fun that day... (the actual birth day). But he's a man, he doesn't get it. Despite the pain, the stress, the chaos of the hospital...it was an extremely joyful day for me and I hope to never ever forget it.
I went to school and work on Friday, November 7, 2008. I was just day's shy of 36 weeks pregnant. Everything was going perfectly. I had made arrangements with all teachers (but one stubborn arse) to take my finals early because I was due on Dec. 5, 2008, which was either during finals week or right before, don't exactly recall.
My son decided to shake things up, though. On Saturday morning (11/8/08), I met with two LING 413 classmates (funny the details that stick and those that leave) at a coffee house in my husband's town (now my town, as well) to work out a plan of action for our group presentation on bilingualism. (I think that was the presentation topic...again, funny the details that disappear). We met, we laughed, we planned...and I went to my husband's apartment. He was working and I planned on surprising him by cooking for him. I cooked (something out of a box, lol, very asian-y). He wasn't home. I turned off the burner and went to the bathroom. There was blood when I wiped, which was alarming. I called my husband. He asked, do you think you need to go to the doctor, and I was like, "psh, no." I was tired, and having no children at the time, had the luxury of laying down when tired. (oh how i miss being able to do that!)
I laid down, and had the most intense back ache, but just for a few seconds. Then it stopped. I had sciatic nerve pain throughout the end of the pregnancy so thought maybe this was something similar/related. Then it happened again. I tossed and turned trying to get comfortable but it kept on happening!
At this point I called the doctor. Told him about the blood, not sure about the back pain (detail, deleted from memory). I remember him saying, "Come in to be monitored if you start having contractions with the blood." I didn't comment, just thought, hmmm...contractions? Could it be?
I took labor classes, contractions took place in your uterus, in the front, like period cramps, right? Right? What were these back pains? I started timing them using some awesome internet contraction timer site (yes, awesome, you push the space bar every time it stops and starts and it keeps track for you). I remember feeling numb. I remember my husband coming home from work, the food cold on the stove, a plate of it in front of me with me just idly moving my fork around, not really eating. I was sitting on the bed with my plate of food, staring at the computer screen, going spacebar...pause...spacebar...pause...spacebar...pause. He was like, "what are you doing?" I was like "timing my contractions." He was like "contractions! @#%&@!" And I was like, "I think." He's like, "how far apart?" I was like "3 minutes." He's looking more and more frazzled, I'm still numbly timing away...
"Aren't we supposed to go to the hospital at 5 minutes apart."
"Yeah...and the doctor said I should go and be monitored if I started having contractions."
"When did he say that"
"When I called him."
"Well why didn't you tell me!"
"You were at work."
What the heck was going on in my mind? I'm 21 years old, in labor with my first child, and totally nonchalant.
He finally convinces me to actually go to the hospital. Neither of us ate the food I cooked.
We decide not to tell my parents. Because surely it's a false alarm...I mean, they didn't feel like contractions...no need for them to come all the way to the hospital for nothing.
We drive to the hospital calmly, joking, laughing about how this isn't how we imagined it.
He drops me off at the hospital doors. Instead of checking in I just wait for my husband to find a parking space and walk to meet me. I calmly go to the front desk and tell him I need to go to labor and delivery and he looks at me like I'm insane. I am not acting like a woman in labor is supposed to act. I go back, the get me in an annoying gown, strap a monitor to me, and lo and behold, I'm in labor. I'm also 4 cm dilated.
I'm in labor!?!?
I remember the contractions on the monitor were like, not small ones. The L & D nurses were shocked because these were some big time contractions and I was barely feeling them. They told me maybe I was going into labor early because I was dehydrated, so they gave me a giant cup of ice water, and put an IV in with some hydration liquid as well. This did not stop contractions. It did, however, cause me to have to go to the bathroom one million times. (when hooked up to a monitor and an IV, this task requires helpers...great)
Their next brilliant plan was to give me shots to try and slow labor, and hopefully put it off until closer to my due date. They gave me a shot...checked me...not working. Gave me another one and told me to stay until morning, when they'd check me (for dilation) again and see if I was having a baby or not. (Keep in mind, I went in around 6:30 p.m. and they're asking me to spend the night "just in case"...I wasn't thrilled)
This is when I called my parents and was like "Hey, you know that hospital bag that I started to pack...kind of need it."
As expected, they went into full on panic mode. Came to the hospital in all their expectant grandparent glory, etc. etc. I was living with them at the time, and they were having renovation work done on their house at the time. This means, the baby's room was nonexistant (a dresser and a piano). No crib, no changing table, etc. The crib at my husband's apartment, was in pieces. My dad and husband decided to go to the apartment and put that crib together, so just in case the baby came that night we'd have a place to sleep the following night. In short, we were unprepared.
They left, promising they'd come back in the morning (I think they even skipped church...which they don't do). I was not checked for dilation again until 9:15 or so the next morning. The world's loooongest wait. It was like "am I having a baby today or not???" I remember crocheting in the middle of the night, lol. The nurses thought I was so odd. I didn't feel contractions, and I crocheted while in labor (and I was only 21 which made me crocheting seem even more unusual).
Anyway, at 9:15 I was checked and I was like, I don't even remember, I was "more" dilated. I remember the doctor on call looking at me with his nasty cervix checking glove on his hand saying "You're having a baby today!" like it was the best thing ever.
That's when calm, crocheting Nikki left, and panicked Nikki took over. There was no longer any possibility of turning back. There were no more shots, no more big cups of water...the baby. was. coming.
They moved me to a delivery room but kept me hooked to that stupid monitor the WHOLE TIME. In those labor classes they taught us that different positions are so much more helpful in labor than laying down. Basically, laying flat on your back is the worst possible position to be in, because gravity isn't helping you out. So here I am, with all this knowledge. Strapped down to a bed. They asked if for religious reasons (I had refused pork the night before)I'd prefer a girl doctor/midwife and I said yes. (I wasn't a Muslim yet but still...if they were offering I was taking!)
I didn't realize that this request would mean I would not go checked from 9:15 in the morning until 4:30 in the afternoon. OMG. The nurses checked on me, yes, but not for dilation/progression. They gave me morphine sometime in the morning to help me relax/sleep between contractions (I was feeling them now). They told me you couldn't take it after 7 cm and you could only take two doses. So they gave me that one in the morning, and then I asked for it later and the nurse said "Oh honey, you can only have it twice and you've got a long way to go." Meaning, we'll give it to you later.
She didn't check me...how'd she know how much longer I had to go???? Turns out, she didn't. BUT, luckily she didn't give me the morphine because when the wonderful (God bless her) midwife came and checked me out I was 9 cm dilated. 9!
That midwife was seriously the answer to prayers. My doctor was a medicine/epidural pusher and I didn't want that stuff. The midwife asked about my preferences, gave me saline acupuncture shots for my back pain (I had 24 hours of straight back labor) and told me I'd be pushing soon.
The saline shots worked. Just so you all know. If you ever have a baby's head repeatedly pressing against your spine...get some saline, a syringe, and shoot it into four pressure points on your back.
Anyway, I remember them saying it was time to push, and suddenly my 24 hour labor didn't seem long enough...I wasn't ready for this!
My mom was very misleading when discussing this with me before hand. She said, pushing is the easy part, it's like relief.
What a load of crap. If I could have 5 more hours of labor with no hour of pushing I'd seriously trade. Pushing sucked. I pushed and pushed and pushed. She told me to grunt....I tried, and she told me it was too high. Like, if my grunt isn't the right pitch the baby won't come out? Anyway, I'll spare the details because some of you may have actually read this far. My son was born, hooray! I'd read so many books saying you needed to establish breastfeeding right away that when they handed him to me I tried to feed him even before they weighed him, measured him, bathed him...they thought I was crazy.
Turns out, I didn't actually get to breastfeed him for another 10 days or so. He was having respiratory problems and they took him away from me. That was very, very hard. They're taking my son and I'm confused and thinking "I've got to establish good breastfeeding habits..." and suddenly they're saying words like, torn cervix, stitches, local anesthetic?... and then suddenly everything comes into focus when I hear, "No, (my angel midwife from before is now out to torture me...no meds during delivery did not mean no meds post delivery....) I bet she's still numb (meaning natural numbing, not medicated, remember) from the birth. You bet, huh? So I grimace and flinch in pain as they stitch up my cervix wondering where my baby was taken and when I'll get to hold him again.
The family is told of the birth (my husband was with me the whole time, God bless him) and they all excitedly come to visit terrible looking me. And find no baby. It's honestly a bit heartbreaking to remember. So many people would come, not just that day but on day's following, to meet our son and all they ever got to see was me. Some of them got to see him through a NICU window, others saw no trace of him at all. Me, my husband, my sister, her fiance, my husband's sister, my parents, and my grandma's all got to go in the NICU and hold him, alhumdullilah. The rest had to be content waiting.
So they move me to the room I'll stay in for a day or two, offer me some pain medicine, and do not even mention my son. What is going on?! I had a baby...right? Finally around 11 (I had him at 6:12 p.m.) a nurse tells me I can see him if I want. Of course I want! I go, and he's strapped to every machine imaginable. He's sleeping. I ask to hold him and the nurse says he's so tuckered out, that it was best that I didn't. (watch my heart break again...) She said that it would have been better for me to come at feeding time. Because I could change him and help feed him, etc. etc. This is the first time I realize they've given him formula (angry!) and also the first time I realize I'm welcome in the NICU at all times, but especially during feeding times. i don't know why no one told me sooner, but from that point on I went to as many of my son's feedings as I could. I also borrowed a pump from the hospital and expressed my breastmilk for him.
The NICU staff was flabbergasted by my devotion to pumping. I woke myself up every three hours round the clock to pump. By the time he was released from the NICU 12 days later there was a whole crate of my unused breastmilk in their refrigerator. They fed it to him, but I was making more than he was drinking. I think I created an oversupply, which probably explains my frequent bouts with mastitis.
So anyway, he's in the NICU. I get released from the hospital. They let me secretly stay one extra night (not turned in to insurance) to be close to him but then I have to leave. I visit him for at least two feedings a day, rocking him to sleep after each meal.
I'm at home without a baby. All I've got is an annoying, painful breastpump to wake me up at night. I also have school to get back to.
I went to class that Wednesday, November 12, 2008. Three days after my son was born. It was probably a poor choice, but I'm a straight A student and was super stressed about missing the end of the semester. It was really neat to go back to class where everyone knew you as pregnant on Friday, and then they see you on Wednesday and it's like, they do a double take. (I lost everything I gained before coming home from the hospital, honestly...since then I've lost 10 more pounds from this constant breastfeeding). So I went to my classes, talked to my teachers, and got out of most everything. (Hooray!) I had to come back to take two finals, but my projects were cancelled. My final research papers were still due in LING 413 and ENG 305, but the English one had an extension until the end of Christmas break. It worked out wonderfully. I quit attending classes and went back only when I felt I needed to hear the material and to take the finals. With my son in the NICU, going to school was actually quite easy, because he had the best care possible 24/7.
Again, poor choice, though. They say to not even go grocery shopping for 2 weeks...it is quite painful to walk/stand after having a baby so, yeah, um, yeah.
That's about the whole tale. I guess. Even if it's not, I'm tired so we'll pretend it is. My son came home, and has been there ever since save for a few night's with the grandparents and a 5 day hospitalization due to an FPIES reaction. He's in his bed now, where I hope he will stay until morning. BUT, he's moved to my bed every night for the past month probably, so that's extremely wishful thinking.
November 9, 2010 will be his second birthday. My husband was like, why are you so excited...it's not like you were having fun that day... (the actual birth day). But he's a man, he doesn't get it. Despite the pain, the stress, the chaos of the hospital...it was an extremely joyful day for me and I hope to never ever forget it.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
UU and Muslim?
So, there's a Unitarian Universalist church about 5 minutes from my house. I'd really like to go check it out. In theory, it seems like a good thing, although in my own life I have to have more "structure" than they alone provide, meaning, I have no intention of giving up Islam (I believe in it...how can I give it up?). It's just, I think they've got something good going...what with giving back to the community and truly respecting fellow man despite differences in beliefs, etc. They're practicing, what the rest of the organized religions are preaching, if you will.
Just curious. Probably won't go.
Just curious. Probably won't go.
Blogger Is My New "Bible study"
Obviously, I mean that figuratively. I miss the "communion" of church (not the bread and grape juice, the people and dialogue), and there is no mosque here that I'm comfortable attending. My husband and I can only talk religion so much. He is more conservative than myself and not as open to what he considers "deviant" views. He is a very practicing Shi'a and although he doesn't mind my not labeling myself (sunni/shi'a) I know if I were to take on a different label, such as Sunni or Quranist he would feel hurt. I once shared my (quite unpopular in the Islamic world) belief that perhaps Jesus actually was crucified, and that the verses could be read with that interpretation. He totally didn't buy it and said I could not disagree with something in the Qur'an or I was not a Muslim. I tried to explain that I didn't disagree with the Qur'an, I thought the Qur'an could support my case. Didn't help and an unnecessary argument ensued.
So, no "organized" congregation to attend, and if I share questions and doubts with my husband, he solves them by telling me what to believe. Which doesn't actually help unless I believe it, you know.
So that's why I'm thankful for this blog. It started as a place where I could simply shout "I am Muslim!" when my parents did not yet know. But now it's become much more. It's not the website, of course, it's the people. I can post a concern or misunderstanding, and get a variety of opinions, resources, and reprisals. I may not like all that I hear, but at least I get a variety. And even things I disagree with, they only help me to better understand myself and what I want for my relationship with God.
So thank you all. I may not respond to every comment. But know that I do read every one, and I do ponder what is said.
We're moving in late December/January. I've already mentioned that on here. Still not sure where, 4 or 8 hours away. But both towns are small and neither has a mosque. I'll be leaving my family and friends, but you all get to come with me! It's like my own traveling, um, Holy book study. (Didn't want to make anyone not feel welcome) :)
So, no "organized" congregation to attend, and if I share questions and doubts with my husband, he solves them by telling me what to believe. Which doesn't actually help unless I believe it, you know.
So that's why I'm thankful for this blog. It started as a place where I could simply shout "I am Muslim!" when my parents did not yet know. But now it's become much more. It's not the website, of course, it's the people. I can post a concern or misunderstanding, and get a variety of opinions, resources, and reprisals. I may not like all that I hear, but at least I get a variety. And even things I disagree with, they only help me to better understand myself and what I want for my relationship with God.
So thank you all. I may not respond to every comment. But know that I do read every one, and I do ponder what is said.
We're moving in late December/January. I've already mentioned that on here. Still not sure where, 4 or 8 hours away. But both towns are small and neither has a mosque. I'll be leaving my family and friends, but you all get to come with me! It's like my own traveling, um, Holy book study. (Didn't want to make anyone not feel welcome) :)
The Love of God
So someone posted a comment on another person's blog today that really worried me.
It was actually a comment from Um Abdullah on Alabaster Muslim's post. She was very helpful in asking her husband for clarification on some of the issues sister's were prompted to ask about based on Alabaster's post. Everything she said made sense, but then I read this line, and read it again, and again.
*note, it's out of context so words in parenthesis are added by me for your understanding.
He himself (Muhammad, pbuh) told us that if we want God to love us, we should follow his (Muhammad's) example.
I have no problem with following the prophet's example, what I just can't get past is " if we want God to love us."
Again, I come from a Christian understanding of God, and when I was converting to Islam, I viewed it as a progression of my Christianity, not a turning away from it. I know there are differences, obviously, but to me the God I was/am worshiping always has the same character.
The God I knew in Christianity, and yes, I felt I had a relationship, loved unconditionally. We did good deeds and followed his commands, etc. etc. etc. to PLEASE him, not to gain his love. Like my parents, only on a larger scale. They are certainly not always pleased by my choices and my actions, but they ALWAYS love me.
Is it really the standard view in Islam that God's love has to be earned? God is the epitome of everything good we are able to experience in this world, so if parents have the ability to love unconditionally, shouldn't God's love go even beyond that of our parents?
It was actually a comment from Um Abdullah on Alabaster Muslim's post. She was very helpful in asking her husband for clarification on some of the issues sister's were prompted to ask about based on Alabaster's post. Everything she said made sense, but then I read this line, and read it again, and again.
*note, it's out of context so words in parenthesis are added by me for your understanding.
He himself (Muhammad, pbuh) told us that if we want God to love us, we should follow his (Muhammad's) example.
I have no problem with following the prophet's example, what I just can't get past is " if we want God to love us."
Again, I come from a Christian understanding of God, and when I was converting to Islam, I viewed it as a progression of my Christianity, not a turning away from it. I know there are differences, obviously, but to me the God I was/am worshiping always has the same character.
The God I knew in Christianity, and yes, I felt I had a relationship, loved unconditionally. We did good deeds and followed his commands, etc. etc. etc. to PLEASE him, not to gain his love. Like my parents, only on a larger scale. They are certainly not always pleased by my choices and my actions, but they ALWAYS love me.
Is it really the standard view in Islam that God's love has to be earned? God is the epitome of everything good we are able to experience in this world, so if parents have the ability to love unconditionally, shouldn't God's love go even beyond that of our parents?
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
New Goal
Okay, so, laugh if you wish, but my new goal is to get Ellen DeGeneres to help raise awareness for FPIES.
Step one, nominate the founder of the FPIES United Family fund as the "amazing person in my life" on Ellen's website. Check.
Step two, wait to see if she gets picked. In process.
Step three, if she doesn't get picked, cry. To be determined.
Step one, nominate the founder of the FPIES United Family fund as the "amazing person in my life" on Ellen's website. Check.
Step two, wait to see if she gets picked. In process.
Step three, if she doesn't get picked, cry. To be determined.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
I'm Tired
Quite literally, but I was referring to being tired of following someone else's definition of Islam. I'm finally coming to accept that a lot of "standard" or "orthodox" Islamic views will never align with my actual feelings on certain things.
A big one for me is various fatwas telling me I can't do a, b, or c because it is "western" and would hence be "imitating the kafirs." Excuse me, I was raised in the west. I AM "WESTERN." I am imitating no one, just being myself. My clothing is "imitating the kafirs," my shaking people's hands in formal situations/meeting for the first time is "imitating the kafirs," my continuing to celebrate birthdays is "imitating the kafirs."
I used to feel a bit guilty about these things, but I'm done. I felt guilty because I was TOLD, by actual Muslims and internet sites, that I should. I did not ever feel guilty because I thought I was displeasing God with any of the above actions.
I shook a man's hand yesterday, I hugged an unrelated male the day before, and I wear jeans or a maxi skirt everyday. I'm not striving to wear abaya or niqab. I've even quit trying to give up all non-mahram male contact.
And I'm still a practicing Muslim. I'm still keeping the five pillars (although hajj is still in the future, insha'Allah).
Islam was starting to depress me because I felt like everywhere I turned I was told that almost everything that had to do with my "previous" life was haram. I wondered what was wrong with me. Why wasn't I willing to give up these things for God?
I honestly believe now it's because God hasn't convicted me of the "sin" in these actions. Celebrating with family and friends, innocent contact with men with pure intentions, music, and even some mixed dancing (not club dancing or anything) I don't see as wrong.
I know a LOT of people reading this will disagree with me. Of course, I know that, that's where this post came from.
The divide from HOW I believe and practive versus HOW OTHERS FEEL I should believe and practice.
My Islam is between me and God, thank you. And if you insist on commenting to "correct my wayward ways" anyway, you better have Quranic verses to back you up, because I am not at the point where I'm convinced on hadith, and there are various fatwas to back up almost any side of an issue you wish to present as "the truth."
I'm sick of being made to feel that every time I'm actually happy, or having fun, I'm doing something "haram." So the essence of Islam is to live this life in miserable solitude? Not for me.
A big one for me is various fatwas telling me I can't do a, b, or c because it is "western" and would hence be "imitating the kafirs." Excuse me, I was raised in the west. I AM "WESTERN." I am imitating no one, just being myself. My clothing is "imitating the kafirs," my shaking people's hands in formal situations/meeting for the first time is "imitating the kafirs," my continuing to celebrate birthdays is "imitating the kafirs."
I used to feel a bit guilty about these things, but I'm done. I felt guilty because I was TOLD, by actual Muslims and internet sites, that I should. I did not ever feel guilty because I thought I was displeasing God with any of the above actions.
I shook a man's hand yesterday, I hugged an unrelated male the day before, and I wear jeans or a maxi skirt everyday. I'm not striving to wear abaya or niqab. I've even quit trying to give up all non-mahram male contact.
And I'm still a practicing Muslim. I'm still keeping the five pillars (although hajj is still in the future, insha'Allah).
Islam was starting to depress me because I felt like everywhere I turned I was told that almost everything that had to do with my "previous" life was haram. I wondered what was wrong with me. Why wasn't I willing to give up these things for God?
I honestly believe now it's because God hasn't convicted me of the "sin" in these actions. Celebrating with family and friends, innocent contact with men with pure intentions, music, and even some mixed dancing (not club dancing or anything) I don't see as wrong.
I know a LOT of people reading this will disagree with me. Of course, I know that, that's where this post came from.
The divide from HOW I believe and practive versus HOW OTHERS FEEL I should believe and practice.
My Islam is between me and God, thank you. And if you insist on commenting to "correct my wayward ways" anyway, you better have Quranic verses to back you up, because I am not at the point where I'm convinced on hadith, and there are various fatwas to back up almost any side of an issue you wish to present as "the truth."
I'm sick of being made to feel that every time I'm actually happy, or having fun, I'm doing something "haram." So the essence of Islam is to live this life in miserable solitude? Not for me.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
FPIES Fund
There's a new fund through the Children's Hospital of Philadelphia dedicated to research on FPIES to help find the cause and a cure/method of treatment. Obviously, since my son has FPIES this is a cause near and dear to my heart. If you feel like donating to a worthy cause, or would just like to educate yourself on what FPIES is/how it affects daily life, click here.
In related news, we passed milk (I may have already posted that/did an online happy dance about it), failed chicken, and passed wheat (in that order). Failing chicken was a big letdown, but dairy and wheat open up SO MANY more doors for foods for our son than chicken closes, so it's now being seen as more of a minor set back. Tomorrow we move on to soy...insha'Allah we pass this and I can start planning a BIRTHDAY CAKE. :)
In related news, we passed milk (I may have already posted that/did an online happy dance about it), failed chicken, and passed wheat (in that order). Failing chicken was a big letdown, but dairy and wheat open up SO MANY more doors for foods for our son than chicken closes, so it's now being seen as more of a minor set back. Tomorrow we move on to soy...insha'Allah we pass this and I can start planning a BIRTHDAY CAKE. :)
Friday, October 8, 2010
I thought I was home free!
My sister's wedding is tomorrow.
Dress, shoes, alterations. check
bridal shower planned and paid for. check
bachelorette party planned and paid for. check
son's tuxedo bought and tried on (and found in the lost mail). check
rehearsal and rehearsal dinner (where they served pork and chicken flavored with wine...hence, the plate of mashed potatoes). check
I got home tonight RELIEVED. It's stressful being matron of honor and on top of that worrying about working around my Islam and on top of that having an almost 2 year old son in the wedding, too. I got home and was relieved.
And then I got a text from my sister.
"Don't forget to bring your toast tomorrow."
shit.
It's 11:14. I have to be at the church at 9 tomorrow to start getting ready. And I have. not. written. a. toast.
To be quite honest I totally forget. Insha'Allah, she'll never know...
Dress, shoes, alterations. check
bridal shower planned and paid for. check
bachelorette party planned and paid for. check
son's tuxedo bought and tried on (and found in the lost mail). check
rehearsal and rehearsal dinner (where they served pork and chicken flavored with wine...hence, the plate of mashed potatoes). check
I got home tonight RELIEVED. It's stressful being matron of honor and on top of that worrying about working around my Islam and on top of that having an almost 2 year old son in the wedding, too. I got home and was relieved.
And then I got a text from my sister.
"Don't forget to bring your toast tomorrow."
shit.
It's 11:14. I have to be at the church at 9 tomorrow to start getting ready. And I have. not. written. a. toast.
To be quite honest I totally forget. Insha'Allah, she'll never know...
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Introducing Snazzy Napper!
It's like a niqab...only with the nose visible instead of the eyes. It's also the most ridiculous thing I've ever seen.
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Moving
So, I've finally given in to the fact that we will be moving. My husband is going on to graduate school and he's still on scholarship so...none of the schools here that he was interested in are covered. Right now it looks like as of January 2011 I'll be living 8 hours away from my family, which...sucks. If the other university ever gets back to us, we could end up 4 hours away, instead, but it's seeming more and more unlikely every day.
So, we're going to be 8 hours away in a town where neither of us know anyone. He will lose his job (obviously, you can't commute 8 hours) and I will lose mine. My mom won't be available to babysit, meaning I may not work at all because the cost of daycare would probably cancel out the pay I got from substitute teaching anyway. Daycare is $$$ pricey and subbing doesn't pay all that well. Hopefully hubby can get a job on campus. With his current visa status i think that is the only place he is allowed to work. (we are in the middle of the green card process). So, right now it looks like the only income will be hubby's scholarship living allowance. Which is geared to only one person (since technically he's not supposed to be married to me on scholarship) so we're going to be -tight- on money.
I've been looking at rental properties in the area online and it's been quite depressing. Apparently the cost of living there is a tad higher than here, so for an equivalent apartment it looks like we'll have to pay $50+ dollars more in rent a month than we pay now. We were hoping to rent a house so that we'd have storage and a yard for our son...but while we could probably afford one here, we can't afford one there. :/
My husband hates spending the money I make subbing on "needs." He thinks he should be the sole provider and I respect that, but I think I'm going to try to stop spending my money so frivolously and start saving up for the move. That first month especially is going to cost an arm and a leg...(moving truck/service, security deposit, sometimes two months rent, etc. etc. etc.)
I suppose all we can do presently (aside from saving where we can) is pray and have faith that God will provide.
My family (parents, aunts, cousins...) is freaking out. NO ONE moves away in our family. Seriously. They aren't pleased but my mom struggles to grin and then says "at least it's in the United States." 8 hours really isn't THAT bad. It's only two states over... I'm not sure if I'm trying to convince her, or myself.
So, we're going to be 8 hours away in a town where neither of us know anyone. He will lose his job (obviously, you can't commute 8 hours) and I will lose mine. My mom won't be available to babysit, meaning I may not work at all because the cost of daycare would probably cancel out the pay I got from substitute teaching anyway. Daycare is $$$ pricey and subbing doesn't pay all that well. Hopefully hubby can get a job on campus. With his current visa status i think that is the only place he is allowed to work. (we are in the middle of the green card process). So, right now it looks like the only income will be hubby's scholarship living allowance. Which is geared to only one person (since technically he's not supposed to be married to me on scholarship) so we're going to be -tight- on money.
I've been looking at rental properties in the area online and it's been quite depressing. Apparently the cost of living there is a tad higher than here, so for an equivalent apartment it looks like we'll have to pay $50+ dollars more in rent a month than we pay now. We were hoping to rent a house so that we'd have storage and a yard for our son...but while we could probably afford one here, we can't afford one there. :/
My husband hates spending the money I make subbing on "needs." He thinks he should be the sole provider and I respect that, but I think I'm going to try to stop spending my money so frivolously and start saving up for the move. That first month especially is going to cost an arm and a leg...(moving truck/service, security deposit, sometimes two months rent, etc. etc. etc.)
I suppose all we can do presently (aside from saving where we can) is pray and have faith that God will provide.
My family (parents, aunts, cousins...) is freaking out. NO ONE moves away in our family. Seriously. They aren't pleased but my mom struggles to grin and then says "at least it's in the United States." 8 hours really isn't THAT bad. It's only two states over... I'm not sure if I'm trying to convince her, or myself.
URGENT!
What do you think when you see the following two pictures? (besides, wow, either Nikki's camera is crap or she has no clue how to take a good photo)
Do you think "OMG! What an awesome long-sleeved maxi!" ----or---- "WTF??? Why would someone tuck a kurti into a maxi skirt!?!?!"
I'm looking for something to wear to my sister's rehearsal dinner this Friday and wore my one and only maxi dress to her bachelorette party just last week. All of my maxi skirts are too casual aside from the one seen above and a tweed one. I'll prob just end up wearing the above skirt with a black top...but am I wrong in thinking it looked good with my East Essence kurti tucked in?
Do you think "OMG! What an awesome long-sleeved maxi!" ----or---- "WTF??? Why would someone tuck a kurti into a maxi skirt!?!?!"
I'm looking for something to wear to my sister's rehearsal dinner this Friday and wore my one and only maxi dress to her bachelorette party just last week. All of my maxi skirts are too casual aside from the one seen above and a tweed one. I'll prob just end up wearing the above skirt with a black top...but am I wrong in thinking it looked good with my East Essence kurti tucked in?
Friday, October 1, 2010
The USPS has decided to hate me.
Why? What did I do to deserve the wrath of the United States Postal Service?
I live in an apartment, that's what. And I have a hunch that they strongly dislike apartment dwellers.
I ordered my son's tuxedo for my sister's wedding online. I got an e-mail saying it was shipped. It never arrived. I decided to track it using the number in the e-mail. It said that it had been delivered by UPS to my local post office (USPS) and that the post office would finish the delivery within one extra business day. Well, by the time I had tracked this it had been a whole week. I started to panic, the wedding is next Saturday. My dad called UPS they said they did in fact deliver it to the post office a week ago and that now we needed to contact the original seller because it had been too long. My dad then called JCPenney and they told him that the package had been sent back to them.
1.) I never received a delivery attempt notice from the USPS. They used to leave those little sticky notes on the apartment door to let me know to pick it up or schedule redelivery.
2.) The woman at JCP said there was no notation that even let her know that they ever even TRIED to deliver it. So it could have just been sent straight back.
3.) She reluctantly agreed to ship it expedited at no extra charge, although I'll still be paying standard shipping twice which was $12. So, $24 to get a $60 tuxedo sent.
And now TODAY. I had a package from amazon coming. I got a text saying it was out for delivery today. I heard the USPS man knocking on the apartment door, but I was rocking my son to sleep and was NOT going to ruin it for a package that I can pick up or could be redelivered. Also, I'd have to put on an abaya and hijab and.... hassle.
So, I didn't answer the door. My son fell asleep. I put him to bed. I opened the door to pick up my notice so that I could reschedule delivery and put the instructions LEAVE AT THE DOOR. But guess what...there was no notice to be found. I KNOW they tried, they knocked three times! But people are BUSY and people can't always answer the door...(showers, naps, etc...) So where's my notice? Is this my punishment for too many unanswered deliveries? Now all of my packages just get returned without my knowing?
Grrrrrrrrrrrr.
That is all.
I live in an apartment, that's what. And I have a hunch that they strongly dislike apartment dwellers.
I ordered my son's tuxedo for my sister's wedding online. I got an e-mail saying it was shipped. It never arrived. I decided to track it using the number in the e-mail. It said that it had been delivered by UPS to my local post office (USPS) and that the post office would finish the delivery within one extra business day. Well, by the time I had tracked this it had been a whole week. I started to panic, the wedding is next Saturday. My dad called UPS they said they did in fact deliver it to the post office a week ago and that now we needed to contact the original seller because it had been too long. My dad then called JCPenney and they told him that the package had been sent back to them.
1.) I never received a delivery attempt notice from the USPS. They used to leave those little sticky notes on the apartment door to let me know to pick it up or schedule redelivery.
2.) The woman at JCP said there was no notation that even let her know that they ever even TRIED to deliver it. So it could have just been sent straight back.
3.) She reluctantly agreed to ship it expedited at no extra charge, although I'll still be paying standard shipping twice which was $12. So, $24 to get a $60 tuxedo sent.
And now TODAY. I had a package from amazon coming. I got a text saying it was out for delivery today. I heard the USPS man knocking on the apartment door, but I was rocking my son to sleep and was NOT going to ruin it for a package that I can pick up or could be redelivered. Also, I'd have to put on an abaya and hijab and.... hassle.
So, I didn't answer the door. My son fell asleep. I put him to bed. I opened the door to pick up my notice so that I could reschedule delivery and put the instructions LEAVE AT THE DOOR. But guess what...there was no notice to be found. I KNOW they tried, they knocked three times! But people are BUSY and people can't always answer the door...(showers, naps, etc...) So where's my notice? Is this my punishment for too many unanswered deliveries? Now all of my packages just get returned without my knowing?
Grrrrrrrrrrrr.
That is all.
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Fail
We've been trialing foods regularly now and had been having such success that I allowed myself to believe my son was growing out of his FPIES.
Now, 7 months since his last reaction, it happens again. Chicken is apparently a no no.
My son cannot eat rice, oats, squash, green beans, sweet potatoes, and now chicken.
I cried, not because I was scared, his reaction was minor compared to the past, and I feel prepared to handle them now, but because it was like reality slapped me in the face. Here I was imagining retrialing past fails and eating cake on his birthday and here comes FPIES all up in my face like "I'm still he-ere."
:( It's not like he ever had chicken before so the fact that he failed doesn't really change our lives at much/at all. It's just the fact that I dared to think it could all be over soon.
Alhumdullilah he is a happy, healthy boy and this disorder/syndrome will not get the best of us.
Now, 7 months since his last reaction, it happens again. Chicken is apparently a no no.
My son cannot eat rice, oats, squash, green beans, sweet potatoes, and now chicken.
I cried, not because I was scared, his reaction was minor compared to the past, and I feel prepared to handle them now, but because it was like reality slapped me in the face. Here I was imagining retrialing past fails and eating cake on his birthday and here comes FPIES all up in my face like "I'm still he-ere."
:( It's not like he ever had chicken before so the fact that he failed doesn't really change our lives at much/at all. It's just the fact that I dared to think it could all be over soon.
Alhumdullilah he is a happy, healthy boy and this disorder/syndrome will not get the best of us.
Saturday, September 25, 2010
I have a real issue....
with hadith.
I try not to, but I just can't stomach the idea. Coming from a Christian background, the hadith seem even less reliable than the Bible. I'm tired of listening to people tell me how to live a Godly life...God already told me...in the QUR'AN!
This was prompted by Um Abdullah's post on apostasy. I typed a long comment to her there that you can read if you click on the link and go to her comments.
I do not believe apostasy is punishable by death. I do not believe adultery is punishable by death.
I get really frustrated when the Qur'an so CLEARLY states one thing (There is no compulsion in religion) but then people go around killing family members for choosing their own path because some hadith told them to.
I use hadith sparingly, and only for elaboration, not as divine law. I know there are many many Muslims who hold the hadith in a much higher regard than me. If I HAD to do that, though, I wouldn't be Muslim. How could I follow a religion that I blatantly disagreed with on many counts?
If Allah gave us the Qur'an to follow, as a guidance, (which I believe he did), then why would he leave out information that is essential to the faith? The answer is, he wouldn't. Some hadith may help you become a better person/Muslim, but I think everything NEEDED to be a Muslim is already available in the Qur'an.
I'm trying to be as respectful as possible. But it upsets me when I see new Muslims accepting the unacceptable (killing your own children for apostasy) because it's found in the Arab culture (which means it's definitely Islamic! *sarcarsm*) or because it's found in a "authentic" hadith.
The God that I worship ordered a stop to the dreadful practices of burying newborn daughters. The God I worship does not advocate the killing of one's own children in any circumstance.
I try not to, but I just can't stomach the idea. Coming from a Christian background, the hadith seem even less reliable than the Bible. I'm tired of listening to people tell me how to live a Godly life...God already told me...in the QUR'AN!
This was prompted by Um Abdullah's post on apostasy. I typed a long comment to her there that you can read if you click on the link and go to her comments.
I do not believe apostasy is punishable by death. I do not believe adultery is punishable by death.
I get really frustrated when the Qur'an so CLEARLY states one thing (There is no compulsion in religion) but then people go around killing family members for choosing their own path because some hadith told them to.
I use hadith sparingly, and only for elaboration, not as divine law. I know there are many many Muslims who hold the hadith in a much higher regard than me. If I HAD to do that, though, I wouldn't be Muslim. How could I follow a religion that I blatantly disagreed with on many counts?
If Allah gave us the Qur'an to follow, as a guidance, (which I believe he did), then why would he leave out information that is essential to the faith? The answer is, he wouldn't. Some hadith may help you become a better person/Muslim, but I think everything NEEDED to be a Muslim is already available in the Qur'an.
I'm trying to be as respectful as possible. But it upsets me when I see new Muslims accepting the unacceptable (killing your own children for apostasy) because it's found in the Arab culture (which means it's definitely Islamic! *sarcarsm*) or because it's found in a "authentic" hadith.
The God that I worship ordered a stop to the dreadful practices of burying newborn daughters. The God I worship does not advocate the killing of one's own children in any circumstance.
Monday, September 13, 2010
Lack of Posting
So, there's a few things I felt like posting about, but I don't really have the time or energy to do it in depth/make it entertaining like I generally try to. This is going to be a boring, bulleted post, just to keep you updated but to give me time to get some sleep. :)
- Thank you all for the prayers for my father! His eye surgery went well, although he has to take it extremely easy for two weeks so that it can heal well. At the moment he still can't see anything out of that eye. Keep praying, though, because now he's been having very bad pain in his side and chest.
- I've gone back to work. I substituted like four times over two weeks...but now I've taken someone's medical leave so I'm teaching the same first grade class for the next two weeks. Alhumdullilah they are very well behaved! The teacher's very sick, though, so there aren't really sub plans which leaves me putting my acting skills to the test, lol. As long as I pretend that I know what I'm doing the students will never know. They called and asked me because I was licensed, which shows that my college work was good for something, at least. (you do not have to be a college graduate to substitute teach, although you do have to have "some college") Since this medical leave requires more "work" on the part of the sub, because there aren't really laid out plans, they wanted someone with the experience necessary to handle it. I love getting paid for what I did last semester for free...but it's SOOOOOO hard to leave my son again after a long summer together.
- Eid was uneventful and a bit depressing to be honest. Please don't be offended, in my mind I had just hoped for something more spectacular than staying home watching my son while my husband was at work. We rushed gifts after hubby got home in order to get to my SILs for dinner. And then hubby was so tired that we left after only staying for a couple of hours. He took a nap, and then instead of hanging out with me, he went to celebrate with his friends. I KNOW they "know" Eid more than I do, and I KNOW culturally it's normal to just do things with "the guys." But I'm his wife and I know no one else who celebrates Eid and I was kind of counting on him to make the night special.
- Marriage is hard. And would only be made harder if I elaborated on here.
-My son is doing great with his recent food trials! We passed beef! And we've done four days of cow's milk, but it takes awhile for his system to build up resistance so we have to keep going for at least 3 more days to make sure he isn't becoming intolerant.
-My cousin, who I used to be best friends with, but then we fell out a little with the birth of my son/my gradually becoming more and more conservative/her having a large mouth and telling people things about me that're not true...knows. And I am SO RELIEVED. This is not what I expected, lol. I know she "knew" about hijab, because people had seen me and told her,etc. ( She's also the one I lied to about it last fall ) But now she knows I'm Muslim and that with that came my decision to wear the scarf and that my parents know and that I decided last June and that my dad is super unhappy but my mom's not taking it too badly anymore... So, she is kind of a gossip, but I miss her, we used to do everything together (we even dated the same guy at the same time (without knowing it...cheating scumbag) in high school and stayed friends, and actually, a similar thing happened a different time...) but anyway, we were so close that boys were not going to come between us even in cases like stated above, which says a lot about our loyalty to one another. I hated how we suddenly felt a bit like strangers and I couldn't put my finger on when/where exactly it happened. I think keeping Islam from people causes me to turn away from them. Like, if I have to hide this HUGE aspect of my life, I just might as well disappear completely. It's dawned on me that I've shut out tons of friends for this very reason. Instead of being open and honest, I've just completely shut them out, which is only going to hurt their view of Islam now that I'm getting close to telling them.
Anyway (so much for short and sweet)...more and more people were asking my cousin about my religious choices and claiming to have seen me here or there wearing hijab. She was getting confused (rightly so) because she sees me quite regularly and I never have hijab on (because we're generally at family events, hence, the presence of my parents). She is not shy, I promise you, and is in a class with my husband...so she just flat out asked him. I couldn't imagine doing such a thing (I avoid conflict like the plague). He asked why she was asking, she said she had a lot of friends and family who had asked because they thought they saw me, blah di blah. So he told her the truth. And he told her my family knows.
The next day we were together at a family birthday party. We went upstairs and ended up in a semi private location. I thought she wouldn't bring it up, but of course, she is NOT shy, so she said, "Did he tell you he told me?" And I said, "yeah." And the gates were opened. We talked freely, not even caring if our 15 year old cousin (who's room we were in) heard us. (he wouldn't judge me, we've always been close) It felt sooo wonderful to be open and honest for once in the past year+ of my life. And it was on the second day of Eid, too (sept. 11) which made me feel even better about it.
She didn't judge me. She said my choices were my choices. (which means she's not blaming my husband either which is great) She thinks my dad needs to let it go. Overall, she was great. And now that I can truly be myself with her again, I hope to start hanging out more like we used to.
I think, like with her, family and friends are piecing together the puzzle on their own. My disappearance from church services, my change in clothing taste, my strange eating habits during Ramadan, etc. I've quit being super careful on facebook. I join Muslim groups without caring who sees. I left all the Ramadan and Eid messages right on my profile page, etc. I'm tired of hiding. It's only a matter of time until I'm completely free. I can't wait, truly, regardless of the reactions. :)
I guess I had more to say than I thought. I did let it get to late, though...ugh, again. :( Night!!
- Thank you all for the prayers for my father! His eye surgery went well, although he has to take it extremely easy for two weeks so that it can heal well. At the moment he still can't see anything out of that eye. Keep praying, though, because now he's been having very bad pain in his side and chest.
- I've gone back to work. I substituted like four times over two weeks...but now I've taken someone's medical leave so I'm teaching the same first grade class for the next two weeks. Alhumdullilah they are very well behaved! The teacher's very sick, though, so there aren't really sub plans which leaves me putting my acting skills to the test, lol. As long as I pretend that I know what I'm doing the students will never know. They called and asked me because I was licensed, which shows that my college work was good for something, at least. (you do not have to be a college graduate to substitute teach, although you do have to have "some college") Since this medical leave requires more "work" on the part of the sub, because there aren't really laid out plans, they wanted someone with the experience necessary to handle it. I love getting paid for what I did last semester for free...but it's SOOOOOO hard to leave my son again after a long summer together.
- Eid was uneventful and a bit depressing to be honest. Please don't be offended, in my mind I had just hoped for something more spectacular than staying home watching my son while my husband was at work. We rushed gifts after hubby got home in order to get to my SILs for dinner. And then hubby was so tired that we left after only staying for a couple of hours. He took a nap, and then instead of hanging out with me, he went to celebrate with his friends. I KNOW they "know" Eid more than I do, and I KNOW culturally it's normal to just do things with "the guys." But I'm his wife and I know no one else who celebrates Eid and I was kind of counting on him to make the night special.
- Marriage is hard. And would only be made harder if I elaborated on here.
-My son is doing great with his recent food trials! We passed beef! And we've done four days of cow's milk, but it takes awhile for his system to build up resistance so we have to keep going for at least 3 more days to make sure he isn't becoming intolerant.
-My cousin, who I used to be best friends with, but then we fell out a little with the birth of my son/my gradually becoming more and more conservative/her having a large mouth and telling people things about me that're not true...knows. And I am SO RELIEVED. This is not what I expected, lol. I know she "knew" about hijab, because people had seen me and told her,etc. ( She's also the one I lied to about it last fall ) But now she knows I'm Muslim and that with that came my decision to wear the scarf and that my parents know and that I decided last June and that my dad is super unhappy but my mom's not taking it too badly anymore... So, she is kind of a gossip, but I miss her, we used to do everything together (we even dated the same guy at the same time (without knowing it...cheating scumbag) in high school and stayed friends, and actually, a similar thing happened a different time...) but anyway, we were so close that boys were not going to come between us even in cases like stated above, which says a lot about our loyalty to one another. I hated how we suddenly felt a bit like strangers and I couldn't put my finger on when/where exactly it happened. I think keeping Islam from people causes me to turn away from them. Like, if I have to hide this HUGE aspect of my life, I just might as well disappear completely. It's dawned on me that I've shut out tons of friends for this very reason. Instead of being open and honest, I've just completely shut them out, which is only going to hurt their view of Islam now that I'm getting close to telling them.
Anyway (so much for short and sweet)...more and more people were asking my cousin about my religious choices and claiming to have seen me here or there wearing hijab. She was getting confused (rightly so) because she sees me quite regularly and I never have hijab on (because we're generally at family events, hence, the presence of my parents). She is not shy, I promise you, and is in a class with my husband...so she just flat out asked him. I couldn't imagine doing such a thing (I avoid conflict like the plague). He asked why she was asking, she said she had a lot of friends and family who had asked because they thought they saw me, blah di blah. So he told her the truth. And he told her my family knows.
The next day we were together at a family birthday party. We went upstairs and ended up in a semi private location. I thought she wouldn't bring it up, but of course, she is NOT shy, so she said, "Did he tell you he told me?" And I said, "yeah." And the gates were opened. We talked freely, not even caring if our 15 year old cousin (who's room we were in) heard us. (he wouldn't judge me, we've always been close) It felt sooo wonderful to be open and honest for once in the past year+ of my life. And it was on the second day of Eid, too (sept. 11) which made me feel even better about it.
She didn't judge me. She said my choices were my choices. (which means she's not blaming my husband either which is great) She thinks my dad needs to let it go. Overall, she was great. And now that I can truly be myself with her again, I hope to start hanging out more like we used to.
I think, like with her, family and friends are piecing together the puzzle on their own. My disappearance from church services, my change in clothing taste, my strange eating habits during Ramadan, etc. I've quit being super careful on facebook. I join Muslim groups without caring who sees. I left all the Ramadan and Eid messages right on my profile page, etc. I'm tired of hiding. It's only a matter of time until I'm completely free. I can't wait, truly, regardless of the reactions. :)
I guess I had more to say than I thought. I did let it get to late, though...ugh, again. :( Night!!
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Prayer Request
Please pray for a speedy/full recovery for my father. He had emergency eye surgery today because his retina detached. Everything went well, but he has to take it very easy for the next two weeks so that it heals correctly and his vision can hopefully return to it's previous state. He has to take two weeks off of work and cannot even read for those two weeks. (I can't imagine having two weeks off but not being able to read...what would you do?)
My eyes are even worse than his, and my optometrist has been checking my eyes for signs of retina detachment since I was probably 17, when they usually don't check until age 50 at least. Maybe you should pray for me too while you're at it... :)
My eyes are even worse than his, and my optometrist has been checking my eyes for signs of retina detachment since I was probably 17, when they usually don't check until age 50 at least. Maybe you should pray for me too while you're at it... :)
I was tagged...
Books I've read recently...
1. The Message: A Translation of the Glorious Qur'an (currently reading)
2. Raising a Bilingual Child - Barbara Zurer Pearson (currently reading)
3. Coffehouse Angel - Suzanne Selfors (currently reading)
4. Don't Judge a Girl By Her Cover - Ally Carter (finished recently)
And I'm in the middle of two more, but I haven't picked them up in a couple of weeks.
Songs or albums I listen to all the time...
1. a variety of Islamic podcasts. I loved the "Inside Islam" series done by Wisconsin Public Radio but I've listened to all but one and they don't do any new broadcasts. : (
2. some nasheeds by Dawud Wharnsby Ali
3. some Sami Yusuf
4. all three of Sherwood's albums
5. a variety of other stuff I've collected over the years. Many of my favorite artists were contemporary Christian artists so I've had to clean out which one's glorify God and which one's focus on the deity of Jesus...
6. public talk radio...meaning, Rush Limbaugh and such. My husband and I listen to it as a type of comedy. The only thing the speakers on this station hate more than Muslims are liberals. It's a bit depressing to realize people actually believe this stuff, but amusing all the same.
7. Jim Brickman
8. anything piano
I love...
1. ALLAH
2.my son
3. my husband
4.the rest of my family
5.reading
6. food
7. languages
Things I've learned this year...
1. Online shopping will be the death of me.
2. Facebook isn't all it's cracked up to be and there are major benefits to privacy.
3. It's the effort and intention that truly matters. (same as Anne)
4. That in the end, any strength I have comes from ALLAH and His Word (same Anne who was the same as Caraboska)
5. I want another child (and my husband doesn't)
6. How to live with FPIES.
7. Graduating from college was a big letdown. Substitute teaching sucks.
New recipes I want to try and make...
kafta kabob
kibbeh
chicken mandi
Favorite online hangouts...
1. Blogs
2. baby center community
3. arabic children's merchandise sites (books, movies, toys in Arabic)
4. youtube
5. amazon
6. clothing websites (islamic and western)
7. facebook
8. yahoo mail
Projects I need to work on...
1. finish reading the Qur'an
2. pray on time
3.increase my Arabic vocabulary
4. start introducing Arabic letters to my son (he plays with them in a puzzle but we haven't worked on recognizing which one's which)
5. finish crocheting the two projects I've started (a cupcake scarf and a baby blanket)
Other people I think should do this:
Anyone who wants to!
1. The Message: A Translation of the Glorious Qur'an (currently reading)
2. Raising a Bilingual Child - Barbara Zurer Pearson (currently reading)
3. Coffehouse Angel - Suzanne Selfors (currently reading)
4. Don't Judge a Girl By Her Cover - Ally Carter (finished recently)
And I'm in the middle of two more, but I haven't picked them up in a couple of weeks.
Songs or albums I listen to all the time...
1. a variety of Islamic podcasts. I loved the "Inside Islam" series done by Wisconsin Public Radio but I've listened to all but one and they don't do any new broadcasts. : (
2. some nasheeds by Dawud Wharnsby Ali
3. some Sami Yusuf
4. all three of Sherwood's albums
5. a variety of other stuff I've collected over the years. Many of my favorite artists were contemporary Christian artists so I've had to clean out which one's glorify God and which one's focus on the deity of Jesus...
6. public talk radio...meaning, Rush Limbaugh and such. My husband and I listen to it as a type of comedy. The only thing the speakers on this station hate more than Muslims are liberals. It's a bit depressing to realize people actually believe this stuff, but amusing all the same.
7. Jim Brickman
8. anything piano
I love...
1. ALLAH
2.my son
3. my husband
4.the rest of my family
5.reading
6. food
7. languages
Things I've learned this year...
1. Online shopping will be the death of me.
2. Facebook isn't all it's cracked up to be and there are major benefits to privacy.
3. It's the effort and intention that truly matters. (same as Anne)
4. That in the end, any strength I have comes from ALLAH and His Word (same Anne who was the same as Caraboska)
5. I want another child (and my husband doesn't)
6. How to live with FPIES.
7. Graduating from college was a big letdown. Substitute teaching sucks.
New recipes I want to try and make...
kafta kabob
kibbeh
chicken mandi
Favorite online hangouts...
1. Blogs
2. baby center community
3. arabic children's merchandise sites (books, movies, toys in Arabic)
4. youtube
5. amazon
6. clothing websites (islamic and western)
7. facebook
8. yahoo mail
Projects I need to work on...
1. finish reading the Qur'an
2. pray on time
3.increase my Arabic vocabulary
4. start introducing Arabic letters to my son (he plays with them in a puzzle but we haven't worked on recognizing which one's which)
5. finish crocheting the two projects I've started (a cupcake scarf and a baby blanket)
Other people I think should do this:
Anyone who wants to!
Saturday, August 28, 2010
FPIES Update
My son has "passed" his ground beef trial! With corn, beef, and lamb (along with his previous fruits and few vegetables) his diet is getting to be pretty well rounded!
I'm going to have to face off with dairy soon, but that's too terrifying to think about right now.
Sometimes being an FPIES mom makes you feel crazy. When they do good, you think you imagined it, and when they do bad, you wonder why no one else believes you. (that it was caused by food)
I feel like a double minority, lol. I'm an American Muslim (which is apparently not a good thing to be right now with this ridiculous mosque controversy) and I'm the mother of a child with FPIES (which is equivalent to being crazy in the eyes of many medical professionals and family members). I feel so strongly about both causes that I just want to like proclaim the truth of Islam from all social networking sites, lol, and post FPIES information all over the internet so that it is more well known and diagnosed more often. I think their belief that it is rare is a load of crap. I see all of the mother's I talk to online that deal with it every day and I just know that we're a small handful of the people really dealing with this syndrome. I get so gung ho about FPIES awareness sometimes that I'm ready to go Jehovah's Witness style door to door spreading the news. (no offense to any JW, I think it's cool that they get out and share, at least that leaves less room for completely baseless stereotypes to be formed. My husband actually likes it when they visit, lol, good interfaith dialogue.)
That's it, I'll hand out FPIES articles door to door while wearing hijab and spreading dawah! Two birds with one stone?
Or I'll hide behind my computer and try to change the world from the couch in my pajamas.
I'm going to have to face off with dairy soon, but that's too terrifying to think about right now.
Sometimes being an FPIES mom makes you feel crazy. When they do good, you think you imagined it, and when they do bad, you wonder why no one else believes you. (that it was caused by food)
I feel like a double minority, lol. I'm an American Muslim (which is apparently not a good thing to be right now with this ridiculous mosque controversy) and I'm the mother of a child with FPIES (which is equivalent to being crazy in the eyes of many medical professionals and family members). I feel so strongly about both causes that I just want to like proclaim the truth of Islam from all social networking sites, lol, and post FPIES information all over the internet so that it is more well known and diagnosed more often. I think their belief that it is rare is a load of crap. I see all of the mother's I talk to online that deal with it every day and I just know that we're a small handful of the people really dealing with this syndrome. I get so gung ho about FPIES awareness sometimes that I'm ready to go Jehovah's Witness style door to door spreading the news. (no offense to any JW, I think it's cool that they get out and share, at least that leaves less room for completely baseless stereotypes to be formed. My husband actually likes it when they visit, lol, good interfaith dialogue.)
That's it, I'll hand out FPIES articles door to door while wearing hijab and spreading dawah! Two birds with one stone?
Or I'll hide behind my computer and try to change the world from the couch in my pajamas.
Going Around Like the Plague
So, I know you've seen it on other blogs.... but I couldn't resist sharing my own answers. :)
Bold if true:
I am a cuddler.
I am a morning person.
I am an only child.
I am currently in my pajamas.
I am currently pregnant.
I am currently single.
I am currently suffering from a broken heart.
I am left handed.
I am married.
I am addicted to my myspace.
I am online 24/7, even as an away message.
I am a little shy around the opposite gender at first.
I bite my nails.
I can be paranoid at times.
I don’t like anyone.
I enjoy country music.
I enjoy jazz music.
I enjoy smoothies. (I had one today!)
I enjoy talking on the phone.
I have a car.
I have a cell phone.
I have/had a hard time paying attention at school. (yet I somehow got great grades between all my doodling...)
I have a hidden talent
I have a lot to learn
I have a pet.
I have a tendency to fall for the “wrong” guy/girl (or at least I did in high school...my husband actually fell into that category as well because he was Muslim, heh)
I have all my grandparents
I have at least one brother
I have been to another country
I have been told that I am smart
I have been told that I have an unusual sense of humor
I have OR HAD broken a bone
I have Caller I.D. on my phone.
I have changed a diaper (more like a million diapers)
I have changed a lot over the past year.
I have done something illegal.
I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color
I have had major/minor surgery.
I have killed another person (really?)
I have had my hair cut within the last week.
I have mood swings (terrible at times)
I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life
I have rejected someone before.
I have seen The Lord of the Rings trilogy. (and surprisingly enjoyed it)
I have seen the television show The O.C.
I like Shakespeare.
I like the taste of blood.
I love to cook.
I like to sing.
I love Michael Jackson
I love sleeping.
I love to play computer games. (It's been awhile but I get totally hooked on Roller Coaster Tycoon)I love to shop. (notice the emphasis)
I miss someone right now.
I own 100 CDs or more
I own and use a library card
I read books for pleasure in my spare time. (LOVE reading)
I sleep a lot during the day. (because my son doesn't let me at night)
I strongly dislike math
I watch soap operas on a regular basis.
I will try almost anything once.
I work at a job that I enjoy.
I would classify myself as ghetto.
I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free
I am currently wearing socks.
I am tired.
I love to paint/draw/sketch/sculpt.
I have had/have a broken heart
Smoked cigarettes
Rode every ride at an amusement park. (every roller coaster at least...we were totally on a mission)
Collected something really stupid. (pencils, erasers...yeah. Also cabbage patch kids, and now I collect Miss Piggy/Muppets stuff so...I'm sure many would consider it stupid but obviously I enjoy it)
Gone to a rock concert.
Helped someone.
Gone fishing.
Watched four movies in one night. (slumber parties, yeah?)
Gone long periods of time with out sleep.
Lied to someone.
Been dumped.
Failed a class.
Taken a college level course.
Been in a car accident.
Been in a tornado.
Watched someone die.
Been to a funeral.
Burned yourself. (accidentally)
Ran a marathon.
Your parents got divorced.
Cried yourself to sleep.
Spent over $200 in one day.
flown on a plane
Cheated on someone.
Been cheated on.
Written a 10 page letter.
Gone skiing.
Been sailing.
Cut yourself. (on accident)
Had a best friend.
Lost someone you loved.
Shoplifted something.
Been to jail.
Had detention.
Skipped school.
Got in trouble for something you didn’t do.
Stolen books from the library.
Dropped out of school.
Been in a mental hospital.
Watched the “Harry Potter” movies.
Had an online diary. (kinda)
Fired a gun. yeah it knocked me on my butt!
Gambled in a casino.
Had a yard sale. (LOVE 'EM!)
Been in a school play.
Been fired from a job.
Taken a lie detector test.
Swam with dolphins.
Gone to sea world.
Attempted suicide.
Voted for Pop Idol. (only if this includes American Idol...I'm not sure what pop idol is?)
Written poetry.
Read more than 20 books a year.
Gone to Europe.
Loved someone you couldn’t have.
Had surgery.
Had stitches.
Taken a taxi.
Seen the Washington Monument.
Had more than 5 IM’s/online conversations going at once. (back in middle school, oh yeah)
Had a drug or alcohol problem.
Been in a fist fight. (almost! and I'm like, the weakest person ever so it wouldn't have gone well)
Suffered any form of abuse.
Had a hamster.
Petted a wild animal.
Used a credit card.
Gone surfing in California.
Dyed your hair.
Got a tattoo.
Had something pierced.
Got straight A’s.
Your parents sent you to a shrink.
Been handcuffed
Known someone with HIV or AIDS.
Taken pictures with a webcam.
Started a fire.
Had a party while your parents weren’t home.
Gotten caught having a party while they were gone.
Bold if true:
I am a cuddler.
I am a morning person.
I am an only child.
I am currently in my pajamas.
I am currently pregnant.
I am currently single.
I am currently suffering from a broken heart.
I am left handed.
I am married.
I am addicted to my myspace.
I am online 24/7, even as an away message.
I am a little shy around the opposite gender at first.
I bite my nails.
I can be paranoid at times.
I don’t like anyone.
I enjoy country music.
I enjoy jazz music.
I enjoy smoothies. (I had one today!)
I enjoy talking on the phone.
I have a car.
I have a cell phone.
I have/had a hard time paying attention at school. (yet I somehow got great grades between all my doodling...)
I have a hidden talent
I have a lot to learn
I have a pet.
I have a tendency to fall for the “wrong” guy/girl (or at least I did in high school...my husband actually fell into that category as well because he was Muslim, heh)
I have all my grandparents
I have at least one brother
I have been to another country
I have been told that I am smart
I have been told that I have an unusual sense of humor
I have OR HAD broken a bone
I have Caller I.D. on my phone.
I have changed a diaper (more like a million diapers)
I have changed a lot over the past year.
I have done something illegal.
I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color
I have had major/minor surgery.
I have killed another person (really?)
I have had my hair cut within the last week.
I have mood swings (terrible at times)
I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life
I have rejected someone before.
I have seen The Lord of the Rings trilogy. (and surprisingly enjoyed it)
I have seen the television show The O.C.
I like Shakespeare.
I like the taste of blood.
I love to cook.
I like to sing.
I love Michael Jackson
I love sleeping.
I love to play computer games. (It's been awhile but I get totally hooked on Roller Coaster Tycoon)I love to shop. (notice the emphasis)
I miss someone right now.
I own 100 CDs or more
I own and use a library card
I read books for pleasure in my spare time. (LOVE reading)
I sleep a lot during the day. (because my son doesn't let me at night)
I strongly dislike math
I watch soap operas on a regular basis.
I will try almost anything once.
I work at a job that I enjoy.
I would classify myself as ghetto.
I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free
I am currently wearing socks.
I am tired.
I love to paint/draw/sketch/sculpt.
I have had/have a broken heart
Smoked cigarettes
Rode every ride at an amusement park. (every roller coaster at least...we were totally on a mission)
Collected something really stupid. (pencils, erasers...yeah. Also cabbage patch kids, and now I collect Miss Piggy/Muppets stuff so...I'm sure many would consider it stupid but obviously I enjoy it)
Gone to a rock concert.
Helped someone.
Gone fishing.
Watched four movies in one night. (slumber parties, yeah?)
Gone long periods of time with out sleep.
Lied to someone.
Been dumped.
Failed a class.
Taken a college level course.
Been in a car accident.
Been in a tornado.
Watched someone die.
Been to a funeral.
Burned yourself. (accidentally)
Ran a marathon.
Your parents got divorced.
Cried yourself to sleep.
Spent over $200 in one day.
flown on a plane
Cheated on someone.
Been cheated on.
Written a 10 page letter.
Gone skiing.
Been sailing.
Cut yourself. (on accident)
Had a best friend.
Lost someone you loved.
Shoplifted something.
Been to jail.
Had detention.
Skipped school.
Got in trouble for something you didn’t do.
Stolen books from the library.
Dropped out of school.
Been in a mental hospital.
Watched the “Harry Potter” movies.
Had an online diary. (kinda)
Fired a gun. yeah it knocked me on my butt!
Gambled in a casino.
Had a yard sale. (LOVE 'EM!)
Been in a school play.
Been fired from a job.
Taken a lie detector test.
Swam with dolphins.
Gone to sea world.
Attempted suicide.
Voted for Pop Idol. (only if this includes American Idol...I'm not sure what pop idol is?)
Written poetry.
Read more than 20 books a year.
Gone to Europe.
Loved someone you couldn’t have.
Had surgery.
Had stitches.
Taken a taxi.
Seen the Washington Monument.
Had more than 5 IM’s/online conversations going at once. (back in middle school, oh yeah)
Had a drug or alcohol problem.
Been in a fist fight. (almost! and I'm like, the weakest person ever so it wouldn't have gone well)
Suffered any form of abuse.
Had a hamster.
Petted a wild animal.
Used a credit card.
Gone surfing in California.
Dyed your hair.
Got a tattoo.
Had something pierced.
Got straight A’s.
Your parents sent you to a shrink.
Been handcuffed
Known someone with HIV or AIDS.
Taken pictures with a webcam.
Started a fire.
Had a party while your parents weren’t home.
Gotten caught having a party while they were gone.
Friday, August 27, 2010
It's been a sorry two days...
So yesterday I had a BIG mishap with the deep fryer... I ended up with a greasy, smelly, messy kitchen, some melted containers, and NO FRENCH FRIES to go with our iftar cheeseburgers.
Today I woke up to the mess, still waiting to be cleaned up. Which was enough to make me grouchy anyway. Well, to make my day brighter my son locked himself in his bedroom. Yeeeeah. We're in a second floor apartment building. Meaning, a) I totally can't climb in the window (believe me, I would have tried) and b) we don't own the little stick keys that come with the door knobs for situations like this.
I call my husband, he's in class. I call my mom, she tells me to get a metal hanger and fashion a key myself. She also recommends calling my dad. I call my dad, who tells me he'll come straight from work and recommends calling the apartment office.
I call the office. And the woman is ridiculous. "I'm in apartment 2*** and my son has locked himself in his room." "Oh" "I was wondering if you had the keys that come with the doorknobs..." "...yeeeah, we do. Could you walk over and get one?"
WHAT!?!? Can I WALK OVER AND GET ONE!? "That would leave my son here alone................." "Yeah."
Uh-huh. Helpful.
"Who am I talking to, this is K**'s wife, Nikki, right?" (it's dawning on her that our son is not even two years old and she's asked me to leave him locked in his room alone while I walk to the office and back which will take at least 15 minutes if not more)
"Well, I'm in such pain today." (uh, okay, sorry bout that but my 1 YEAR OLD SON IS LOCKED IN HIS BEDROOM) "I guess I'll send the maintenance man over."'
You guess? Grrr. By this time I had fashioned a key of sorts out of a wire hanger that I managed to straighten out without any tools (because, of course, none to be found) I'm messing with this thing when the maintenance man shows up...WITHOUT A KEY.
He tries my hanger contraption, as well, and it doesn't work. He says "well, I guess I'll have to walk back and get the key out of my tool chest."
Great.
Time passes, I try the hanger again and again, my son cries and cries...the maintenance man reappears...WITHOUT A KEY. So, there are hundreds of these doorknobs in this apartment complex, yet, there seems to be not one key for any of them. He apologizes, and thank goodness, is able to use a screwdriver to let my son, who by this point is hysterical, out.
On top of all of the door drama, my dad arrives while the maintenance man is at my apartment. This means...
I have on a hijab. I told him I was Muslim last October. And he knows I wear hijab when I'm not around him. BUT, he's never SEEN it on me before. I opened the door and you could literally see his repulsion. (that's a word, right?) After the maintenance man left I took it off, for there was no reason to keep it on, and my dad went OFF. "That's so stupid, and unnecessary, and etc. etc. etc....I'm NOT going to put up with it!"
"Well, you'll eventually have to choose between putting up with it and being around me then, because it's going to happen." (in reference to wearing the scarf more openly)
He moped around my apartment for far too long. He was holding back tears and conversation was soooo strained. As he was leaving, he of course got his two cents in about the oppression of Islam and the wonders of love in Christianity. He told me he would keep praying for me and I told him there was no harm in prayer.
I hate hurting him again. and again. and again. But it's like we'll have a short period where he can briefly forget that he thinks I'm damned but then I go and rip off the bandaid again.
How do I continue to stay true to myself but help him to stop hurting so much?
Today I woke up to the mess, still waiting to be cleaned up. Which was enough to make me grouchy anyway. Well, to make my day brighter my son locked himself in his bedroom. Yeeeeah. We're in a second floor apartment building. Meaning, a) I totally can't climb in the window (believe me, I would have tried) and b) we don't own the little stick keys that come with the door knobs for situations like this.
I call my husband, he's in class. I call my mom, she tells me to get a metal hanger and fashion a key myself. She also recommends calling my dad. I call my dad, who tells me he'll come straight from work and recommends calling the apartment office.
I call the office. And the woman is ridiculous. "I'm in apartment 2*** and my son has locked himself in his room." "Oh" "I was wondering if you had the keys that come with the doorknobs..." "...yeeeah, we do. Could you walk over and get one?"
WHAT!?!? Can I WALK OVER AND GET ONE!? "That would leave my son here alone................." "Yeah."
Uh-huh. Helpful.
"Who am I talking to, this is K**'s wife, Nikki, right?" (it's dawning on her that our son is not even two years old and she's asked me to leave him locked in his room alone while I walk to the office and back which will take at least 15 minutes if not more)
"Well, I'm in such pain today." (uh, okay, sorry bout that but my 1 YEAR OLD SON IS LOCKED IN HIS BEDROOM) "I guess I'll send the maintenance man over."'
You guess? Grrr. By this time I had fashioned a key of sorts out of a wire hanger that I managed to straighten out without any tools (because, of course, none to be found) I'm messing with this thing when the maintenance man shows up...WITHOUT A KEY.
He tries my hanger contraption, as well, and it doesn't work. He says "well, I guess I'll have to walk back and get the key out of my tool chest."
Great.
Time passes, I try the hanger again and again, my son cries and cries...the maintenance man reappears...WITHOUT A KEY. So, there are hundreds of these doorknobs in this apartment complex, yet, there seems to be not one key for any of them. He apologizes, and thank goodness, is able to use a screwdriver to let my son, who by this point is hysterical, out.
On top of all of the door drama, my dad arrives while the maintenance man is at my apartment. This means...
I have on a hijab. I told him I was Muslim last October. And he knows I wear hijab when I'm not around him. BUT, he's never SEEN it on me before. I opened the door and you could literally see his repulsion. (that's a word, right?) After the maintenance man left I took it off, for there was no reason to keep it on, and my dad went OFF. "That's so stupid, and unnecessary, and etc. etc. etc....I'm NOT going to put up with it!"
"Well, you'll eventually have to choose between putting up with it and being around me then, because it's going to happen." (in reference to wearing the scarf more openly)
He moped around my apartment for far too long. He was holding back tears and conversation was soooo strained. As he was leaving, he of course got his two cents in about the oppression of Islam and the wonders of love in Christianity. He told me he would keep praying for me and I told him there was no harm in prayer.
I hate hurting him again. and again. and again. But it's like we'll have a short period where he can briefly forget that he thinks I'm damned but then I go and rip off the bandaid again.
How do I continue to stay true to myself but help him to stop hurting so much?
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Random Thoughts on a Wednesday Morning
1.) So Eid may fall on Sept. 11 depending on the sighting of the moon and such. There's been a bit of news coverage here about increased security measures on the part of Muslims since they anticipate some opposition to celebrating on this particular date.
This is just ridiculous. I don't know any American's who go out of their way on Sept. 11 to "remember" what happened. They go to work and school just like any other day. They may watch a short news special after getting home from work but that's it. That's it.
We can't celebrate Eid, because this day is forever "sacred." I don't want to downplay the lives lost, but there are lives lost every. single. day. and life goes on for the rest of us. In my non-Muslim family, I have actually been invited to two events on September 11.
One is a birthday party for my cousin who's turning 15. OMG! Celebrating on 9/11! What horrible people! Terrorists! Anti-American, blah di blah di blah!
Wait, no? It's okay? Ooohh. They're not Muslim. They can do whatever they want whenever they want (and wherever they want in regards to church building).
I was also invited to a bridal shower on that day. I'm not trying to point fingers at them for celebrating on this day. I think it's perfectly acceptable. What I'm trying to point out is, it's natural to plan your life how you see fit. If a wedding is coming up, a shower will be held on 9/11 without question. If it's someone's birthday, the day of their birth does not change due to 9/11. SO, if it's EID, it's going to be EID and will be celebrated as such regardless of any calendar date!
The double standards in this country are making me sick.
2) Totally and completely unrelated. I don't have much of a problem controlling my urges to eat during Ramadan, EXCEPT for when I'm baking and/or making a dessert! I generally make desserts with great anticipation of licking the brownie bowl, or eating the cake batter off the beaters, or eating like 10 cookies worth of cookie dough before actually baking any....
Now I make the batter. Put it in the pan. And place it in the oven. *sigh* I miss my raw desserts.
This is just ridiculous. I don't know any American's who go out of their way on Sept. 11 to "remember" what happened. They go to work and school just like any other day. They may watch a short news special after getting home from work but that's it. That's it.
We can't celebrate Eid, because this day is forever "sacred." I don't want to downplay the lives lost, but there are lives lost every. single. day. and life goes on for the rest of us. In my non-Muslim family, I have actually been invited to two events on September 11.
One is a birthday party for my cousin who's turning 15. OMG! Celebrating on 9/11! What horrible people! Terrorists! Anti-American, blah di blah di blah!
Wait, no? It's okay? Ooohh. They're not Muslim. They can do whatever they want whenever they want (and wherever they want in regards to church building).
I was also invited to a bridal shower on that day. I'm not trying to point fingers at them for celebrating on this day. I think it's perfectly acceptable. What I'm trying to point out is, it's natural to plan your life how you see fit. If a wedding is coming up, a shower will be held on 9/11 without question. If it's someone's birthday, the day of their birth does not change due to 9/11. SO, if it's EID, it's going to be EID and will be celebrated as such regardless of any calendar date!
The double standards in this country are making me sick.
2) Totally and completely unrelated. I don't have much of a problem controlling my urges to eat during Ramadan, EXCEPT for when I'm baking and/or making a dessert! I generally make desserts with great anticipation of licking the brownie bowl, or eating the cake batter off the beaters, or eating like 10 cookies worth of cookie dough before actually baking any....
Now I make the batter. Put it in the pan. And place it in the oven. *sigh* I miss my raw desserts.
Friday, August 20, 2010
and it's Ramadan of all months
So, I may or may not have posted previously about photos of me off of facebook being used for slander.
But, yes, years ago, when still Christian, I had all sorts of photos up on facebook, some of me in bikinis, some of me with boys, and on and on. My husband and I were already together at this point, but, being a western Christian not real into modesty, I didn't see any reason to "clean up" my photos.
Some Saudi "friends" took these photos to spread crap around the kingdom about me and my husband and our relationship.
This is part of the reason my facebook was deactivated until just recently.
So, as those of you following know, my husband and I had a legal wedding ceremony in June. We hired a photographer. Our photographer posts her photos in an online password protected gallery so that you can purchase them at your leisure.
SO, we were shocked to be told today, that some (unnamed, I think they're protecting him) man from and still living in Saudi Arabia had access to these photos and was spreading slander about us and our relationship.
1) I am not wearing hijab in any of the photos, so to have them circling around KSA is not a good thing.
2) We are kissing in one of the photos, like, a "you may now kiss the bride" kiss. My husband would NEVER kiss me on the lips in front of anyone, even his parents, even just a peck. It's culture, so this is a big deal to them. So this photo is being used maliciously. The un-named man showed it to my husband's father taunting him "THIS, is your SON." Which I translate to mean... "see what an immoral, worthless beast you've raised."
We were stumped as to how he gained access to these photos. But then some more information leaked, he googled OUR NAMES. This man. took the time. to. GOOGLE. our. names. Do you see something wrong here? Apparently, our photographer has a wordpress blog, and when you google our names her post of a summary of our photos comes up (it's not all the photos, thank goodness, not that their scandalous by my standards). I had never even seen this website. I have never even thought to google our names. Yet some random Saudi man is super interested in our personal lives?
I. am. p*****. His intentions were obviously just to make trouble. Who DOES that? Especially during Ramadan? You think he'd have better things to worry about than ruining someone else's reputation or status.
I e-mailed the photographer apologetically asking her to password protect or delete any posts with photos of us. It's her business, so I feel a bit guilty. I don't want her to think I'm ashamed of the work she did for us.
UGH. I'm trying to calm down but I just can't wrap my head around what kind of person would do this to us.
But, yes, years ago, when still Christian, I had all sorts of photos up on facebook, some of me in bikinis, some of me with boys, and on and on. My husband and I were already together at this point, but, being a western Christian not real into modesty, I didn't see any reason to "clean up" my photos.
Some Saudi "friends" took these photos to spread crap around the kingdom about me and my husband and our relationship.
This is part of the reason my facebook was deactivated until just recently.
So, as those of you following know, my husband and I had a legal wedding ceremony in June. We hired a photographer. Our photographer posts her photos in an online password protected gallery so that you can purchase them at your leisure.
SO, we were shocked to be told today, that some (unnamed, I think they're protecting him) man from and still living in Saudi Arabia had access to these photos and was spreading slander about us and our relationship.
1) I am not wearing hijab in any of the photos, so to have them circling around KSA is not a good thing.
2) We are kissing in one of the photos, like, a "you may now kiss the bride" kiss. My husband would NEVER kiss me on the lips in front of anyone, even his parents, even just a peck. It's culture, so this is a big deal to them. So this photo is being used maliciously. The un-named man showed it to my husband's father taunting him "THIS, is your SON." Which I translate to mean... "see what an immoral, worthless beast you've raised."
We were stumped as to how he gained access to these photos. But then some more information leaked, he googled OUR NAMES. This man. took the time. to. GOOGLE. our. names. Do you see something wrong here? Apparently, our photographer has a wordpress blog, and when you google our names her post of a summary of our photos comes up (it's not all the photos, thank goodness, not that their scandalous by my standards). I had never even seen this website. I have never even thought to google our names. Yet some random Saudi man is super interested in our personal lives?
I. am. p*****. His intentions were obviously just to make trouble. Who DOES that? Especially during Ramadan? You think he'd have better things to worry about than ruining someone else's reputation or status.
I e-mailed the photographer apologetically asking her to password protect or delete any posts with photos of us. It's her business, so I feel a bit guilty. I don't want her to think I'm ashamed of the work she did for us.
UGH. I'm trying to calm down but I just can't wrap my head around what kind of person would do this to us.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Disappointed
I did break down and break my fast early today, around 3, so that I could take Tylenol. It seems like such a waste for two little pills... Day 3 of my monstrous cold. I can handle the runny nose, I can even handle the drainage down my throat, but my EARS. I never get "sick" in my ears so I'm not used to this and am NOT handling it well. It felt like someone stuck a knife in my eardrum and left it there. I sat on the couch saying I can wait this out, I can wait this out, I can wait this out...and next thing I know I'm at the cabinet pulling down the Tylenol bottle. I know it's alright not to fast if you're sick, but I'm still a bit disappointed in myself. Ramadan is about more than not eating, though, it's about focusing on bettering yourself and your relationship with Allah and I could do none of the above with that piercing pain in my ear. Insha'Allah tomorrow will be better for me and I will not accumulate any more days to make up.
Thanks for the birthday wishes! I think last year on my birthday I posted that I had mastitis, lol. It's a bit of tradition for me to be sick on special occasions and such.
Thanks for the birthday wishes! I think last year on my birthday I posted that I had mastitis, lol. It's a bit of tradition for me to be sick on special occasions and such.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
It's My Birthday
I'm 23 today. I think me and hubby are going to the movies. If I feel well enough. This cold is kicking my butt. I'm fasting because I'm able, but do you think not drinking will make it last even longer? Also, not taking any decongestant during the day kind of stinks. My ears are pounding so hard that every noise my husband, son, or guinea pig makes make me flinch and cover my ears. My ears HURT. Shoot...I bet the movie theater speakers will be more than I can handle. Hmmm?
Yes, I'm whining. But it's my birthday. It's allowed, right?
Yes, I'm whining. But it's my birthday. It's allowed, right?
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
I'm sick, but still fasting. My son has been sick since last Tuesday, so of course, just as he's getting over it and getting VERY active again, I catch it and get very very sluggish. Last night I doubted my ability to fast today but, mash'Allah it was fairly easy. I think the cold has diminished my appetite making me not very hungry anyway. Having a sore throat w/out any water isn't a lot of fun, though.
I had a WONDERFUL hijab experience today. I took my son to the doctor today (of course, now that he's better) and really struggled with whether or not to wear hijab. He's been seeing the same pediatrician since birth, so for about two years now. You go to the doctor so often with your infant that everyone at that office is very familiar with me and my family. His doctor is THE SWEETEST WOMAN EVER, so I don't know why I was scared of her reaction. I know she's very religious (Christian) so I guess maybe I thought she'd be kind of like my family and feel "betrayed" by my choice. Oh, my goodness...she just proved even more how sweet she is. I've had other doctors notice my hijab with their eyes then quickly avert their gaze and go back to business. Not Dr. Lily, God bless her, she just gushed over my beautiful scarf and how much she liked it and how I looked so pretty and... if it was appropriate to hug your child's pediatrician I may have hugged her right there, lol. It's SO nice to be reassured when taking this step. I like to wear hijab, and I know it is a command from Allah, but that doesn't mean I'm always secure with how I look in hijab. To have her not only treat me as she always has, but to even tell me that I looked pretty....Alhumdullilah, it made me want to wear hijab full time even more.
Also, in the waiting room this woman was talking to me and my son as though we had been friends for years. I noticed some others in the waiting room a little surprised by her openness with me, a "Muslim", but I was truly thankful for this random woman who choose to look beyond the scarf and see a human being/a mother. We talked about children, baggy pants, and our families. It's so nice to not be ignored. When wearing hijab being ignored is better than being harassed, but being accepted is absolutely wonderful.
I had a WONDERFUL hijab experience today. I took my son to the doctor today (of course, now that he's better) and really struggled with whether or not to wear hijab. He's been seeing the same pediatrician since birth, so for about two years now. You go to the doctor so often with your infant that everyone at that office is very familiar with me and my family. His doctor is THE SWEETEST WOMAN EVER, so I don't know why I was scared of her reaction. I know she's very religious (Christian) so I guess maybe I thought she'd be kind of like my family and feel "betrayed" by my choice. Oh, my goodness...she just proved even more how sweet she is. I've had other doctors notice my hijab with their eyes then quickly avert their gaze and go back to business. Not Dr. Lily, God bless her, she just gushed over my beautiful scarf and how much she liked it and how I looked so pretty and... if it was appropriate to hug your child's pediatrician I may have hugged her right there, lol. It's SO nice to be reassured when taking this step. I like to wear hijab, and I know it is a command from Allah, but that doesn't mean I'm always secure with how I look in hijab. To have her not only treat me as she always has, but to even tell me that I looked pretty....Alhumdullilah, it made me want to wear hijab full time even more.
Also, in the waiting room this woman was talking to me and my son as though we had been friends for years. I noticed some others in the waiting room a little surprised by her openness with me, a "Muslim", but I was truly thankful for this random woman who choose to look beyond the scarf and see a human being/a mother. We talked about children, baggy pants, and our families. It's so nice to not be ignored. When wearing hijab being ignored is better than being harassed, but being accepted is absolutely wonderful.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
I've almost made it...
through my first day of fasting this Ramadan! Alhumdullilah!
First off, a belated Ramadan Mubarak to all my lovely fasting friends!
Mash'Allah, this year fasting has not been the tremendous hardship that it was last year for me, even though it is earlier in the summer (i.e. looonger). I woke myself up at 5 in the morning so that I could eat prior to fajr at 5:40. My husband does not get up and eat suhoor...I didn't last year and barely made it through the day so I'm going to try to consistently get up and at least drink a whole bottle of water. I'm still breastfeeding 5-7 times during the day and 1-2 times at night so dehydration is a real possibility for me.
Anyway, I ate my suhoor of 3 slices of leftover pizza, and a loooot of water. I went back to bed until 9-ish. Took a nap with my son from 12-2, and have been up PRODUCTIVELY ever since! Last year I truly only had the energy to lay around, and felt faint quite often, I'm only now feeling a bit lightheaded and iftar is in 15 minutes at 9:00 p.m.
Alhumdullilah things are going better for me this year. I hope my milk supply stays up and I can continue to fast all of Ramadan!
First off, a belated Ramadan Mubarak to all my lovely fasting friends!
Mash'Allah, this year fasting has not been the tremendous hardship that it was last year for me, even though it is earlier in the summer (i.e. looonger). I woke myself up at 5 in the morning so that I could eat prior to fajr at 5:40. My husband does not get up and eat suhoor...I didn't last year and barely made it through the day so I'm going to try to consistently get up and at least drink a whole bottle of water. I'm still breastfeeding 5-7 times during the day and 1-2 times at night so dehydration is a real possibility for me.
Anyway, I ate my suhoor of 3 slices of leftover pizza, and a loooot of water. I went back to bed until 9-ish. Took a nap with my son from 12-2, and have been up PRODUCTIVELY ever since! Last year I truly only had the energy to lay around, and felt faint quite often, I'm only now feeling a bit lightheaded and iftar is in 15 minutes at 9:00 p.m.
Alhumdullilah things are going better for me this year. I hope my milk supply stays up and I can continue to fast all of Ramadan!
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Presently...
lost in a sea of ayatollahs/marja's(marajii).
I'm trying to find my real "place" within Islam and it's not that easy. I expected a list of like 5 ayatollahs that people follow, kind of like the four schools of thought in sunni Islam. Nope, I got a list of 69...and those are just the ones that are still living.
My husband follows Shirazi, although there are even multiple Shirazi's and I'm so confused by Arabic names that I only know it's the right one by recognizing the layout of his website. If they ever redesign I'll think it's a different guy!
Too be honest, Shirazi's a little strict for my liking. Like, about things like Chess...
When choosing your marja or madhab, do you have to agree with everything? I feel like that's almost impossible. But then I've been told you can't really pick and choose from all of them, you pick one and stick to it.
It's confusing, because say I claimed to "follow" (I dislike that term) Shirazi...but yet I continue to play musical instruments, chess, and shake men's hands in formal situations. There are religious leaders who permit these things within religious guidelines. Shirazi is not one of them. Just because I claim to be a follower of his jurisprudence, if I commit these "sins" (according to him) yet in actuality they aren't sins according to God, will it end up being a sin anyway because I was told it was but did it anyway? I mean, it seems like restricting yourself so much to just one train of thought kind of limits you. People are people, which means they are flawed. These people are ABSOLUTELY more knowledgable than me and I'm so thankful they do the hard searching for answers so that my life can be easier. With that being said, I don't believe any one of them is going to be 100% on ever ruling. How do you address this issue in your own life?
This stuff gets me confused. I want Islam to be easy, like it's supposed to be. Five pillars. That's all. Advice is MORE than welcome.
I'm trying to find my real "place" within Islam and it's not that easy. I expected a list of like 5 ayatollahs that people follow, kind of like the four schools of thought in sunni Islam. Nope, I got a list of 69...and those are just the ones that are still living.
My husband follows Shirazi, although there are even multiple Shirazi's and I'm so confused by Arabic names that I only know it's the right one by recognizing the layout of his website. If they ever redesign I'll think it's a different guy!
Too be honest, Shirazi's a little strict for my liking. Like, about things like Chess...
When choosing your marja or madhab, do you have to agree with everything? I feel like that's almost impossible. But then I've been told you can't really pick and choose from all of them, you pick one and stick to it.
It's confusing, because say I claimed to "follow" (I dislike that term) Shirazi...but yet I continue to play musical instruments, chess, and shake men's hands in formal situations. There are religious leaders who permit these things within religious guidelines. Shirazi is not one of them. Just because I claim to be a follower of his jurisprudence, if I commit these "sins" (according to him) yet in actuality they aren't sins according to God, will it end up being a sin anyway because I was told it was but did it anyway? I mean, it seems like restricting yourself so much to just one train of thought kind of limits you. People are people, which means they are flawed. These people are ABSOLUTELY more knowledgable than me and I'm so thankful they do the hard searching for answers so that my life can be easier. With that being said, I don't believe any one of them is going to be 100% on ever ruling. How do you address this issue in your own life?
This stuff gets me confused. I want Islam to be easy, like it's supposed to be. Five pillars. That's all. Advice is MORE than welcome.
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Female Headcovering Study
Just something interesting to read. As a whole, I didn't find any of their perceptions shocking.
http://www.wunrn.com/news/2008/03_08/03_03_08/030308_female.htm
http://www.wunrn.com/news/2008/03_08/03_03_08/030308_female.htm
Costochondritis
Dreadful condition. When the doctor diagnosed me (over a year ago) he said, oh it shouldn't take more than 10 days to clear up. Hmph. It's still here. And at it's worst this week.
So, if you're totally confused. Costochondritis is inflammation of the cartilage connecting your ribcage to your sternum. It's painful. I went to the doctor because it felt like I was having a heart attack multiple nights in a row. On and off for over a year now it comes back. This week it's mainly breathing that I'm having trouble with. When I prostrate in prayer I feel like my chest is crushing in on itself and I come up out of breath. When I just carried my 27 lb. son up the apartment steps (asleep so totally dead weight) I thought I might collapse while trying to find my key.
Don't take breathing for granted. In a week or two it will clear up without me noticing (insha'Allah). I'll totally forget about it and the pain. And then it'll come back again. And when it's back (like now) I start to wonder if it ever went away in the first place or if I just wasn't "looking for it" like I am now.
I'm crazy. And in pain. I bet that stupid air mattress is making it worse.
(FIL has the real bed for 1 more week)
And if you're totally curious. Things with my father in law are going well. If you asked me after that first week, I would've sounded much more cynical, hence, the lack of posts. I don't like to type things I'll regret. He's a really nice guy and a WONDERFUL grandfather.
Parenting advice is just sometimes unwelcome, you know?
So, if you're totally confused. Costochondritis is inflammation of the cartilage connecting your ribcage to your sternum. It's painful. I went to the doctor because it felt like I was having a heart attack multiple nights in a row. On and off for over a year now it comes back. This week it's mainly breathing that I'm having trouble with. When I prostrate in prayer I feel like my chest is crushing in on itself and I come up out of breath. When I just carried my 27 lb. son up the apartment steps (asleep so totally dead weight) I thought I might collapse while trying to find my key.
Don't take breathing for granted. In a week or two it will clear up without me noticing (insha'Allah). I'll totally forget about it and the pain. And then it'll come back again. And when it's back (like now) I start to wonder if it ever went away in the first place or if I just wasn't "looking for it" like I am now.
I'm crazy. And in pain. I bet that stupid air mattress is making it worse.
(FIL has the real bed for 1 more week)
And if you're totally curious. Things with my father in law are going well. If you asked me after that first week, I would've sounded much more cynical, hence, the lack of posts. I don't like to type things I'll regret. He's a really nice guy and a WONDERFUL grandfather.
Parenting advice is just sometimes unwelcome, you know?
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Wonderful Summer Blazer
So, the picture totally doesn't do it justice, but I bought this Miley Cyrus (yes, Miley Cyrus) blazer in both black and white from Wal-Mart yesterday. They were $14.99 a piece and are a jersey knit which is absolutely wonderful for summer, although the black I probably won't wear much till fall.
Last summer I did a lot of "under layering," i.e. a tight-ish shirt underneath a short sleeved shirt. This summer I'm trying to stay cooler and have found that either just wide sleeved long sleeve cotton tunics (like the ones from East Essence, I have 3) or a short sleeved or tank top shirt underneath a cotton cardigan keep you much cooler than the tight "Egyptian" layered look. I'll save those looks for fall, as well. The 90+ degree heat is just too stifling. I bought a medium, so 1 size larger than I would normally buy so that I could button it loosely. It is also long enough that it just covers my rear. Some may feel comfortable with it only over a skirt, but I think I will wear it with dress pants to teach.
In other completely unrelated news, my son is here eating CORN CHEX. I am so excited! We are on day 6 of our corn trial which is his first grain, since rice and oats both make him violently ill. Corn opens up SO MANY more possibilities and I am so excited that he has almost "passed." They even sell corn pasta online, so I could make him macaroni! (with tomato sauce, he can't have dairy yet). Hoorah! Also, he has passed lamb and 4 days of fish(tilapia). We aren't totally out of the woods yet but things are really looking up. :)
Last summer I did a lot of "under layering," i.e. a tight-ish shirt underneath a short sleeved shirt. This summer I'm trying to stay cooler and have found that either just wide sleeved long sleeve cotton tunics (like the ones from East Essence, I have 3) or a short sleeved or tank top shirt underneath a cotton cardigan keep you much cooler than the tight "Egyptian" layered look. I'll save those looks for fall, as well. The 90+ degree heat is just too stifling. I bought a medium, so 1 size larger than I would normally buy so that I could button it loosely. It is also long enough that it just covers my rear. Some may feel comfortable with it only over a skirt, but I think I will wear it with dress pants to teach.
In other completely unrelated news, my son is here eating CORN CHEX. I am so excited! We are on day 6 of our corn trial which is his first grain, since rice and oats both make him violently ill. Corn opens up SO MANY more possibilities and I am so excited that he has almost "passed." They even sell corn pasta online, so I could make him macaroni! (with tomato sauce, he can't have dairy yet). Hoorah! Also, he has passed lamb and 4 days of fish(tilapia). We aren't totally out of the woods yet but things are really looking up. :)
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Heat Wave
Yesterday was considered a "holiday" since the 4th of July fell on Sunday, so hubby didn't have to work. We went out of town to eat at our favorite Turkish restaurant and go to a lake. Mash'Allah, after eating we were driving toward the lake when we received a phone call. It was my BIL, (husband's sister's husband, get it?) telling us he and his family were right behind us on the road headed for the same place.
It was an unexpected, yet nice, surprise. As I mentioned in a previous post, my SIL is currently stuck in the kingdom until Thursday, insha'Allah she gets here safely. I wish she had been with us too, but my BIL's parents are visiting from KSA as well as his sister. It was my first time meeting her and she was very very nice mash'Allah. Unfortunately I can't really pronounce her name, but...maybe in time.
It was SO hot and everyone at the beach was wearing not much of anything, of course. I chose to wear an abaya (which I don't usually do) due to the heat hoping that it would keep me cooler by allowing more air flow. It was black (it's my only one, my MIL sent it from KSA) but yet it did keep me fairly cool. My BIL's sister, poor thing, of course was not wearing an abaya, because she has to wear one every day back home and was probably enjoying having the freedom to choose her clothing. That's all well and good, but you have to choose very wisely in the summer. She had on a black long sleeved undershirt (so the sleeves were fairly tight, i.e. HOT) a white short sleeved shirtdress, and black jeans, black hijab, and black shoes. I might wear this combination in the summer only if I know I'm going straight from air conditioning to air conditioning, not on an outdoor outing, though. We went out on a boat and I thought the breeze made it feel quite comfortable. She got used to it once we started moving but initially she was fanning herself saying "sun, sun" in Arabic (shams, shams).
This abayat outing has made me want to own a couple more, in lighter colors. If even the black one offered more relief from the heat than my maxi skirts or tunics and jeans, then I can only imagine the comfort a khaki colored one would offer.
Unfortunately (or fortunately depending on how you're looking at it) I did break down and buy two maxi skirts from Old Navy. I'm feeling a bit guilty and don't really want to put out the money for an abaya right now. There's four at East Essence (all inexpensive) that I'd love to have, but I'll probably, insha'Allah, wait until I feel a bit better about my finances.
I've always enjoyed shopping, but since I've been dressing modestly it's become a bigger problem, I think. I think this is because when I see something hijab friendly I feel I am so lucky to find such an item that I MUST BUY IT. Where, when I dressed like the masses, there wasn't such an urgency because I could find clothes anywhere at anytime for any occasion. Now I can't just go to the mall expecting to find something nice to wear to this or that, so I try and be "prepared" for future invitations.
I'm ridiculous.
Anybody else loving abayas this summer?
It was an unexpected, yet nice, surprise. As I mentioned in a previous post, my SIL is currently stuck in the kingdom until Thursday, insha'Allah she gets here safely. I wish she had been with us too, but my BIL's parents are visiting from KSA as well as his sister. It was my first time meeting her and she was very very nice mash'Allah. Unfortunately I can't really pronounce her name, but...maybe in time.
It was SO hot and everyone at the beach was wearing not much of anything, of course. I chose to wear an abaya (which I don't usually do) due to the heat hoping that it would keep me cooler by allowing more air flow. It was black (it's my only one, my MIL sent it from KSA) but yet it did keep me fairly cool. My BIL's sister, poor thing, of course was not wearing an abaya, because she has to wear one every day back home and was probably enjoying having the freedom to choose her clothing. That's all well and good, but you have to choose very wisely in the summer. She had on a black long sleeved undershirt (so the sleeves were fairly tight, i.e. HOT) a white short sleeved shirtdress, and black jeans, black hijab, and black shoes. I might wear this combination in the summer only if I know I'm going straight from air conditioning to air conditioning, not on an outdoor outing, though. We went out on a boat and I thought the breeze made it feel quite comfortable. She got used to it once we started moving but initially she was fanning herself saying "sun, sun" in Arabic (shams, shams).
This abayat outing has made me want to own a couple more, in lighter colors. If even the black one offered more relief from the heat than my maxi skirts or tunics and jeans, then I can only imagine the comfort a khaki colored one would offer.
Unfortunately (or fortunately depending on how you're looking at it) I did break down and buy two maxi skirts from Old Navy. I'm feeling a bit guilty and don't really want to put out the money for an abaya right now. There's four at East Essence (all inexpensive) that I'd love to have, but I'll probably, insha'Allah, wait until I feel a bit better about my finances.
I've always enjoyed shopping, but since I've been dressing modestly it's become a bigger problem, I think. I think this is because when I see something hijab friendly I feel I am so lucky to find such an item that I MUST BUY IT. Where, when I dressed like the masses, there wasn't such an urgency because I could find clothes anywhere at anytime for any occasion. Now I can't just go to the mall expecting to find something nice to wear to this or that, so I try and be "prepared" for future invitations.
I'm ridiculous.
Anybody else loving abayas this summer?
Sunday, July 4, 2010
Independence Day
Okay, I know many of my readers are not American, but for those of you who are, Happy Fourth of July!
I was festive as usual in a white maxi skirt, navy blue 3/4 sleeve t-shirt, navy blue underscarf, and red and white patterned shayla/hijab.
I've worn red, white, and blue on the fourth of July since I was little...and it's a hard habit to break. :)
I took off the hijab at my grandma's house, only to find, that my cousin was wearing the same outfit as me. She had on a white maxi skirt, a navy blue tank top, and a red and white patterned scarf around her neck. Even our shoes were similar (gladiator sandals) which was just weird. Fun, but weird.
My hometown (in which I no longer live) always hosts fireworks right behind my parents' house so we went down and watched them with the whole family. I saw an old friend and he asked me what I was up to, I had a bag of popcorn in my hand so I replied "Eatin' popcorn, standing here, being American." It was just one of the random things I say throughout my time in public, yet I kept thinking back to it. I never really think about being American, like I think about being Muslim, or even like I think of being Italian. It's just so "ordinary" to me, that I take it for granted.
I really am proud to be an American... like all those lame songs say. Huh. Who knew?
------------------------
In other news, my FIL and SIL are now scheduled to arrive Thursday the 8th insha'Allah. I'm excited but nervous all at the same time.
I was festive as usual in a white maxi skirt, navy blue 3/4 sleeve t-shirt, navy blue underscarf, and red and white patterned shayla/hijab.
I've worn red, white, and blue on the fourth of July since I was little...and it's a hard habit to break. :)
I took off the hijab at my grandma's house, only to find, that my cousin was wearing the same outfit as me. She had on a white maxi skirt, a navy blue tank top, and a red and white patterned scarf around her neck. Even our shoes were similar (gladiator sandals) which was just weird. Fun, but weird.
My hometown (in which I no longer live) always hosts fireworks right behind my parents' house so we went down and watched them with the whole family. I saw an old friend and he asked me what I was up to, I had a bag of popcorn in my hand so I replied "Eatin' popcorn, standing here, being American." It was just one of the random things I say throughout my time in public, yet I kept thinking back to it. I never really think about being American, like I think about being Muslim, or even like I think of being Italian. It's just so "ordinary" to me, that I take it for granted.
I really am proud to be an American... like all those lame songs say. Huh. Who knew?
------------------------
In other news, my FIL and SIL are now scheduled to arrive Thursday the 8th insha'Allah. I'm excited but nervous all at the same time.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)