So my husband and I were having a bit of a tiff. Well, he was upset with me for something, and I was upset with him for being upset with me and not answering my calls, etc. These things happen, and I generally respond badly. He DOES NOT TALK if he is upset. He wants to wait until he calms down to discuss things or to move on and forget it (as in this case it was the best option). I, on the other hand, often sit and fume while he is calming down. Then, when he is ready to talk, I explode, making the whole thing start from the beginning.
Well, I am happy to say that I've been doing better! Maybe it is the fact that my husband is away and I know that were I to blow things up again it'd be that much harder to resolve over the phone, lol, but I'd like to think I'm learning from past mistakes. This time, when my mind was trying to get the best of me, conjuring up potential jabs for our coming (imagined) argument,(I have entire hypothetical conversations in my head...is this a problem?) Anyway, I stopped myself from imagining this argument or remembering past grievances, and instead tried to think of the beginning of our relationship. Our friendship at the university, what it felt like to see him after a whole summer apart, our first "date"... and it worked. It really worked. I felt the hate start to dissipate as I remembered what it felt like to hold his hand for the first time and suddenly feel complete. I remembered the intensity with which he'd look at me when he was speaking about his feelings. I remembered all sorts of wonderful, butterfly in your stomach things, and suddenly I was missing him instead of loathing him. It was great!
I don't know if any of you readers have temper troubles like I do (and boy do I...), but this trick worked for me and insha'Allah I'll have luck with it again in the future. Just thought I'd share!
4 comments:
Happy to read this, cause I have to improve myself too. My husband is the same kind of person, he remains silent when he is upset (for the best really) and goes for a walk or see a friend. As for me I tend to explode (and feel bad afterwards as I know he behaves this way not to hurt me or say things he will regret afterwards)
Good piece of advice Nikki, thanks a mil'.
i love love love this! :-)
it's so funny that you posted this when you did, becuase i just posted a status on facebook about a way saleh and i deal when we have tiffs...if one of us is raising our voice, the other will say (kindly, not in a maddeningly sarcastic way), "you're getting fussy..." this makes us stop and think about if we really have a genuine complaint, or if we're just being babies about something. saleh started it (he didn't know the word "fussy" before he came to the states, but he picked it up from an episode of "the office"...i love how he picks up english words from random sources, but that's a whole other story), but now we both do it. we still have disagreements, of course, but we've gotten a lot better at figuring out which ones are worth the argument and which are just us being...well, fussy! :-)
I understand SO WELL where you're coming from. Anger is my most difficult emotion and I find it hard to control...
It's great you are getting better at dealing with your's and not letting it affect your relationship as much. It's really hard to find the right way because issues do need to be dealt with and not totally forgotten, but it's best when they're not dealt with in anger. My husband is exactly the same as you in wanting to wait to deal with things all the time, but I HATE that and it adds to my anger! Because I am either angry or I forget and get angry about it later! lol
I have an anger management issue too :)
Sometimes I get so mad I throw things around or slam doors and my husband just LAUGHS. And guess what,that makes me even MORE angry!
But on most occasions it makes me laugh too and I forget why I was upset in the first place(usually something stupid)
I rarely get mad at him, but I get frustrated of some situations in Saudi or just how things are and then how he deals with everything so calmly somehow makes me want to vent even more.
I need to learn to control my explosions better astaghferallah!
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