Shockwaves

A boy I went to high school with killed himself at 2:00 this morning.  We weren't good friends, but he was close with some of my close friends.  He left a suicide "status" on facebook via his cell phone, and then ran into the highway in front of an oncoming semi. 

What could be going through your mind to make you do such a thing?

This is a small community, hence the title "shockwaves." Everyone's leaving facebook messages "RIP, you're in a better place...etc."

Too bad I don't believe that's true.

Store

I added a new store at the bottom of my page.  Check it out!  I wanted anyone passing through who may be interested in Islam to see that you can find modest western clothing.  I also wanted to recommend a few books that have really helped me with my conversion to Islam.  I think MisGod'ed and God'ed are must reads for EVERYone.  I hand selected all of the books for sale.  Many of them I own and/or have read.  Some are still just waiting in my shopping cart...but I think they'll be good.  :)

Anyway, it wouldn't fit in the side bar, so it's all the way down at the bottom.  I hate advertising for myself so it will probably never be mentioned again.

Thanks!

HOT

It's definitely 90 degrees farenheit* here today...

and it definitely sucks.


I have to be outside because it's my sister's fiance's graduation party (from 4-9....i might die if we don't leave early).

I don't even wear hijab with my family yet, so I'm wearing a maxi dress with a cropped cardigan that is 3/4 sleeves. Unfortunately, the dress needs a slip and the cardigan is not loose so there's not a lot of air flow.

I can't imagine what today would feel like with a hijab and full length sleeves added to my ensemble. It really is just a nasty nasty humid day. I start sweating immediately upon walking out the door.

I am comforted to realize that even the almost naked girls are hot, as well. On days like this, you're hot no matter what. I think we're just conditioned to think that less clothing means we're more comfortable in the heat.


* 90 degrees F is equivalent to 32.2 degrees celcius.

uh oh

That's my son's favorite phrase, "uh oh!" lol

My big "uh oh," though, is realizing I have lost allll motivation re: finding a job.

I have not applied anywhere. Deadlines have passed. Schools are hiring. Jobs are limited due to state budget cuts.

And frankly, at this point in time I don't care.

Come August when, as a teacher, I should be going to work, I may care...but right now? nope.

Part of it is how I have been socialized to think of "summer vacation" as the time you sit around enjoying the things you couldn't enjoy during the school year (i.e. TV, books, movies, MY SON). Another part is that I do have an 18 month old son, and I WOULD rather spend the day with him than obnoxious fifth graders (not a good substitute day for me today...). The third part is that I'm moving out in two weeks and am presently more concerned with packing my belongings than typing cover letters. And the final part is that...I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. My husband has one more semester of university. Which means we have one more semester of living here locally. THEN, he's going to grad school. Where? He's not yet sure. This poses a huge huge problem, because as a teacher, I'm not going to find a "one semester" job, and it's going to look really awful to future employers if I've broken my first contract mid-year.

We cannnot afford to have an apartment both here and near the campus of the university he chooses. I cannot bear the thought of moving back in with my parents. I love them, don't get me wrong, but once I'm out, I shudder to think of moving back and the arguments that could easily ensue. SO, do I find a job here anyway...and wing it or commute no matter how far away we end up? OR, do I not find a job, and sub for a semester waiting to look until we're situated in our new home in January?

Option two sounded good until I realized that being a substitute teacher sucks. The pay is good, and the fact that you don't have to plan, and that you can leave the problems there at the end of the day is just fabulous. BUT, students DO NOT respect substitute teachers, and I can't imagine being in that position daily (or close to daily) for an ENTIRE semester, or maybe even a whole year. yuck yuck yuck

I don't know what to do. :/

Today

I wore hijab to my son's doctors appointment today. That is a breakthrough for me because I am generally apprehensive about wearing hijab in front of people who knew me or are accustomed to me "pre-hijab". If I could live in a land of strangers I'd pick up hijab full time in a heartbeat. It's just this annoying fear of people's reactions that still holds me back a bit.

I'm getting braver day by day. Insha'Allah I keep moving forward with this!


**BTW, his doctor surely noticed, but didn't comment. The three times I've worn hijab in front of people I knew prior, this is what happened, as well. I can only imagine what might be going through their heads, but at least they don't verbalize any of their thoughts. (of course, if their thoughts were pro-hijab, it would be nice to hear them, lol)


I'm t-i-r-e-d. I hope they don't call me to sub tomorrow because I really need to get a marriage license. I also need to ship something I sold on half.com. I keep selling my possessions because I'm moving from a moderately large house to a two bedroom apartment. Since I've never moved before, I've had 22 years to accumulate a looooot of crap. The problem with selling it on the internet, though, is that things don't sell instantly, and in the meantime, you still have to store it all. *sigh* Once we finally have our yard sale (probably late July early August), whatever's not sold either through the sale or internet is getting boxed up for Goodwill.

I can't take clutter.


Ha. If you could see my room as I write this you would be dying laughing. I say I can't take clutter yet the floor in my room is not even visible. This is the work of my 25 year old slob of a sister. As I mentioned previously, she's getting married in October. I hope she cares for her new house better than she cares for our room!

Anyway, I'm rambling because I'm too tired to get up and do the dishes. Maybe just a short nap...

Noorart

Noorart is having a huge online sale to make room for new inventory. I got a whole Arabic curriculum (6 levels, 1 textbook per level) for my son to support his bilingualism for FREE. Yes, shipping was kind of costly for 6 textbooks ($15) but still, the books were FREE because they're old editions. Everyone knows they change like one paragraph or the preface or something and call it a "new" edition just to make more money, though. So I'm sure they won't be obsolete because they're from *gasp!* 2007, lol.

I also bought some cute children's books on grandparents overseas for my son since he's yet to actually meet his father's parents. They are coming this summer insha'Allah to stay with us for about 2 months. I can't wait for my husbands mother to finally get to hold her grandbaby (who is a toddler now, but still cuddly :)

It's 1 in the morning and I could be called at 7 in the morning to substitute teach. I hope not. :/

Goodnight!

Catch Up

Cecilia over at My Life My Story tagged me awhile back. I will finally complete this tag by telling you 7 things about myself. Hopefully I can catch you all up on what's been going on with me, as well!


1. I am officially a college graduate. I should be positively thrilled, but instead I'm a bit let down. Sitting at graduation between one girl I became friends with the day of the ceremony (we talked before but nothing much) and a girl that I went on a service trip with (who I find incredibly annoying), I realized that I have very few friends from college. I met my husband in college, of course, but he doesn't graduate until next semester. I have two real friends I met in college aside from my husband. One is a girl I met in freshmen biology, but she still has a year to go due to choosing her major late, and one my sister's fiance. My only other friends are from high school, or cousins who attend the same university (two of my cousins graduated with me on saturday).

All around me I saw people celebrating, getting pictures together, making after ceremony plans... and I felt like an outsider. The only pictures I have are with my parents, husband, sister, son, grandma, and one with my cousin and sister's fiance'. I barely even spoke to either of them at college, and they're the only ones dressed in those ridiculous caps and gowns that got their picture taken with me. I realize I did this to myself. I did not lead the normal "college lifestyle" to begin with. After having a baby, I became even more withdrawn from the social scene, missing even halal events in order to be home with him. Prior to his birth, I was so consumed with my husband that I didn't care to attend any extracurriculars. Now I wonder about my choices. There is not one person for me to miss. I cried after I got home from graduation. Not because I was emotional about graduating, but because here I was/am graduated summa cum laude with a B.S. in Elementary Education with minors in both reading and English as a New Language...the highest honors possible, one of 12 out of 1400 to receive special recognition for having a 4.0 at graduation...and I had not one stinking friend to share it with.


2. I am officially unemployed. Prior to graduating I was content marking "student" in the occupation box on forms. Now what? I need to start applying for teaching positions. I've been done for a week now, though, and haven't made a move to begin. To be honest, I don't think I want a job. I'd rather stay home with my son until he's old enough for school himself. We could live on my husband's salary alone, but very very frugally. I'd really like to have some money to call my own, yet I have no motivation to a) find a job and b) actually go to that job and work. In addition to needing/wanting a bit more money, I also need health insurance because mine goes bye-bye as soon as we're legally married.


3. I need some money of my own for three specific reasons, the first being that our legal marriage ceremony is JUNE 5!!!! As in, like 27 days! You say, why is this a big deal, since you're already married religiously, and even have a son together...? It's a big deal because now my parents will acknowledge our marriage, and let me move in with my husband. Along with the freedom to move out, comes my own cell phone bill, car insurance bill, etc. etc. etc. Which is why some xtra cash would be nice.

4. I also need money because my SISTER is getting married in October! I am supposed to be Maid/Matron of Honor which means I will have a lot of financial responsibilities. I will have to buy a dress (which she will choose...I already anticipate great arguments about this, she hates my modest dress...if she chooses strapless I will demand a bolero or cardigan to cover my arms, if she chooses short I will demand to wear full length...sure it's "her day" but I'm not sacrificing my modesty so that her wedding album won't be tainted with someone wearing a modified bridesmaids dress (in addition, insha'Allah I will be wearing hijab by october...that won't go over well I'm sure). I also have to throw her a shower and bachelorette party, both which will cost a fairly pretty penny.

5. The third reason I need money is for my son's formula. My husband can and does pay for it, but we are still not buying TOO much because I'm still breastfeeding. When that stops, the price will go up, up, up. My son's food issues are still not resolved. He's still living off of breastmilk, neocate ($140 USD a case (4 cans)), fruit, and potatoes. We hope to trial fish soon so that he has a meat source. Every new food we introduce has to be "trialed" for seven days before introducing anything else new or not cleared since his hospitalization in October. I am 110% certain of my personal diagnosis of my son with FPIES (food protein induced entercolitis syndrome), I have basically succeeded in also convincing his GI of this. Problem, GI now claims that that is not his department, and is done with us and referring us to an allergist. I will have to start at square one with the allergist, telling our tale from August 2009 to present. FPIES can be life threatening if treatment is not administered in the case of shock (which my son was in in October when we went to the hospital), which is why I want an official diagnosis a) so that I can bring a letter to the ER in the case of a future (God forbid) reaction explaining his condition and the appropriate treatment (so far the ER has failed us repeatedly) and b) so that I can bring a letter to future child care providers (if we no longer live close enough to my mom) explaining the seriousness of his disorder so that they can take me seriously when I tell them a stray cheerio on the floor can and will put my son in the hospital if eaten.

I am so passionate about this and extremely frustrated with the doctors and hospitals we've dealt with thus far. The first ER visit diagnosed it as "the flu," the second ER visit told us they were stumped, and sent us home without even administering the IV fluids that we came for even though he was dehydrated. The doctors we visited in between tested everything under the sun, yet won't cooperate when I've been waving the answer in front of them for the past 8 months. They are finally starting to listen now that I've printed an 8 page article from the American Academy of pediatrics detailing a study on FPIES, and written a letter detailing why my son fits this to a T. He is honestly a textbook case, yet they are too arrogant to admit that they failed to listen to me prior to the article.


-breathe-

If you want to learn more about FPIES or what I'm going through, you can watch this heartbreaking video of a rice trial of a little boy with the same intolerance. My son cannot eat sweet potatoes, green beans, rice, or oats. All other foods have the potential of causing reactions, which is why we have to try one food at a time for seven days (reactions build up with exposure)


6. I like to wear hijab. My family does not like me to wear hijab. My husband is starting to pressure me to wear hijab.

It's a good thing I like it and believe it to be a command from Allah or I'd be a bit put off at some of my husband's comments. He seems to think that since I'm moving in with him, I can just snap my fingers and wear it everywhere now. I wish it was that easy...but I'm still trying to be sensitive to my parents feelings, and they recently thanked me for not wearing it home (they know i wear it out w/out them), and I just don't want to strain things again like they were when I first told them of my choice to convert. It's so difficult, because my husband is embarrassed to be seen with me 'without' it, and my parents are embarrassed to be seen with me 'with' it, not only because it makes them uncomfortable, but because it brings a lot of questions, pity, and accusations on them, as well.

My husband was upset at graduation because many of his friends were there and not only was I there in the flesh (or in the robe?) not wearing hijab, but also, my picture was in the program for all to see sans hijab. I was uncomfortable seeing his friends because they have not seen me w/out hijab for months, some maybe even at all. Who knows, maybe my husband was even questioned, pitied, and accused by some of his male friends.

I know what the right thing to do is. I know that I can not make everyone happy, and that I'm hurting myself by being pulled in both directions. I know that what is most important, even above making myself happy, is making Allah happy. Insha'Allah I can pick up hijab fully, quickly, gracefully, and without causing much of an uproar in my family and community.

Two of my cousin's friends saw me in hijab at the store in April. Before even thinking about it I waved and said hi. My husband, quite astonished that I did not try to make myself unseen as I usually do, asked "won't they tell?" I said, of course they will, but my parents already know and they're the ones I was trying to protect, so so be it. They did tell. And the cousin they told is the town gossip, so she told at least three (maybe more) of my other cousins, who in turn e-mailed my sister's fiance, who it turn told my parents who in turn told me that my cousins were planning on staging an intervention. An intervention to save me from oppression and hellfire is what I'm assuming was in the works...but they must've all chickened out for I've been around them all again and again without any word of the matter. I even wore a maxi dress and cardigan to my cousin's bachelorette party w/out comment. (everyone else wore knee length or shorter)

Once I do actually wear it IN FRONT of them I think they'll attempt to "unbrainwash" me, but until there's an actual face to hijab moment I think they'll remain quiet.

7. Today was my second (or third?) mother's day depending on whether you count pregnancy as motherhood or not. My son is 1 1/2 so he's not exactly buying his own gifts for me yet. Hubby did get flowers and chocolates for our son to give me, though. The hanging begonia will look beautiful on the apartment balcony. I CAN'T WAIT TO MOVE!

As you can see...by the time I got to number seven, I was all typed out. I hope that's a sufficient enough post for all of you who may have wondered where I disappeared to. :)