So, as you all know, I have a husband, and a child.
As you may not know, or may not have realized, our marriage is Islamic only, and is Muta at that.
About 2 1/2 years ago my husband and I entered into a muta marriage. I was a sophomore in college and there was no way my parents would support a legal marriage. Neither of us wanted to live in sin, so muta was our answer. We set the "time" for 3 years, although we both agreed it could be extended.
6 months into the marriage we found out I was pregnant. And 8 months later our beautiful son entered the world.
The pregnancy was a rude awakening to my parents, but they still would not support us living together as husband and wife.
In addition to family pressure, my husband and I both had full scholarships to college that could've been lost due to a legal marriage, and I had insurance to lose as well.
So for 15 months now our son and I have lived at my parents house during the week and my husbands apartment on weekends. It's not exactly been a picnic, but all of us do what we must.
I graduate May 8th of this year. Which means...I lose my insurance...which means, no reason not to get married! Sooo, I've been planning on getting married in June of this year for over a year now.
PLENTY of time to plan a nice wedding.
I, though, did not start planning. until. today.
On June 5th, we'll get married in a private ceremony with only my family in attendance. It will be a legal ceremony with mention of God in only a general sense to keep my Christian family and myself and my husband comfortable.
I ordered my dress today. You can see it here. This company is AMAZING. Jasmine Bridal. I found their website online and it said they could customize any dress to your specifications (for a price, of course). I then looked for a carrier nearby and there was one about an hour away so I went today! I am getting the dress shown if you click on the above link, but with long (not sheer) sleeves, a raised neckline, and a raised back. I am so, so, happy that I could get a modest dress without having to get something very plain. I've always been one to go for sparkles. :) Also for my international readers (Ellen...) there are Jasmine carriers in Australia if you want a traditional white, yet modest dress!
So, today I officially started "planning." I went to the inn to look at the room we are planning to rent for our reception (which will be either later in June, or in August), got price lists for lots of things. Started to look into flowers. Printed cake ideas to give to my aunt (cause she is making my cake!). Goodness....it is all SO much work (and money). Sometimes, it seems pointless because we're technically already married and we DO have a son. But every little girl imagines her wedding, and I don't want to look back later and think, "Gee, if only I'd..."
I am a bit disappointed in myself for not having the courage to wear hijab. Despite this being "my" day, a large part of one's wedding is really for the family. I don't want my wedding day to be filled with controversy as family and friends gossip about my religious preferences. I want my wedding and reception to be about OUR MARRIAGE not about people judging me.
I am fully aware that I shouldn't let what people think bother me so much, when Allah is the one and only true judge and the one I should be striving to please. With that being said, I am 100% human, and at this point I am not comfortable enough or strong enough to put myself "out there" as a Muslim in such a public way. Insha'Allah the time will come for me to gradually make my true beliefs known to family and friends who are important to me. It's so much easier to wear hijab in front of strangers because I couldn't care less about them!
Anyway, ceremony, June 5. Reception, TBA.
THEN, Islamic ceremony probably in D.C. also in the summer.
Crazy, crazy, crazy. So, so, busy. I NEVER want to go into the business of wedding planning.
29 comments:
Thats really strange. Just proves even more why Muta is haram. Have a baby then get married a couple of years later.
We're married in Allah's eyes, so it doesn't matter to me what you find "strange."
Your judgment means nothing to me NOW, and it certainly won't mean a thing in the END.
Awww MashaAllah sis! Don't let anyone get you down, about hijab or about mut'ah.
Thank you for giving me that company! I will definitely check it out. You know, you could always just wear a sheer veil over your hair - blending both things and it doesn't look like a hijab to others ;) You're right though. Small weddings are just family anyway.
CONGRATS!!!! How exciting!!!! And the dress is gorgous I can totally see it with sleeves and a raised neck. Gotta save that one for myself lol
Many blessings I wish you so much happiness!!!
Congrats on the wedding :)
Thank you for speaking about Muta marriage also.. It is so controversial and I think this is a case where it was the best option, and I am happy you were able to have it as an option.
I have two friends who did this exact same thing because they wanted to be legit in the eyes of god, although unable/unwilling to let it be known to anyone else.
They are now "out" to their families and planning their wedding also :)
Congrats again!
I can definitely see why you want to have a nice, yet simple ceremony.
You deserve to have your day!
I absolutely love your dress. I also kept things pretty simple and that's what I would recommend. I did a sheer red veil with an ivory dress that had red trim.
im so excited for you...
can u'stand your situation thou..
may everything goes as plan,insya allah.
How sad that your family comes before Allah....
Salaamu Alaikum!!
I am only Islamically married also (though not through muta). Soon we will become legally married Inshallah, but it'll just be signing of the papers and thats it since we already had our wedding and we've been married for a year, lol.
But I am SO excited for you!!! Take tons of pictures!! :D
Btw, I finally went to the doctors and saw that poster i was telling you about...check out 'GERD' for your son if you have not already. It stands for something but i'm not sure what.
Im not trying to attack you but if your going to talk about islam then exclude the temporary marriage thing because it gives the wrong impression to those looking for the right path. and Ellen. Stop encouraging her. al hamdulilah shes getting married the proper way now but just to get things straight there is Absolutley NO such thing as a temporary marriage in Islam.
Dont belive me. Belive the Quran.
If my judgement means nothing to you now then it shouldnt. But Allah's judgement should.
I agree with ellen
wear a heavier veil than the light net! the reason a veil was part of traditional christian wedding attire is due to the fact a woman should cover your head when praying and in church, as a sign of respect etc. hence why woman have a tradition to wear hats at weddings!!!
you are already married in the eyes of Allah (swt) it would be legal in sharia and its only because you didnt sign the legal register (which in the UK isnt always done in a church ceremony!!!! sometimes the couple have to go to the registry office to register!)
To Sara: When has it been your place to judge? Im sure that the Qur'an states that only Allah (swt) can judge on what is right and wrong. It least they have tried to show Allah (swt) that they do not want to live in sin and they made an effort to show that. Doesnt Allah (SWT) judge us by intention as well as our deeds?
x elizabeth x
Its not my place to judge her but its my place to tell her that In islam there is no validility in temporary marriage. So if we start practicing temporary marriage then say oh well the intention is good then what next? Halal Boyfriends?
pfft.
Sara
Get over yourself. PEACE
OOoooo how exciting ... and I'm glad you're able to find a decent dress, I would say 99% of the ones I see are low-cut and pretty revealing. I've been told if you're ready to wear hijab, then no one will be able to talk you out of it. You'll know. ;)
How exciting that you will be having your marriage ceremony and making it legal!
I believe in having an Islamic marriage in the eyes of God. A pretty important part of marriage is to be public but I don't think the word "marriage" is important. Your relationship was exclusive, stable, public, and you'd made a committment in the eyes of God, so I don't see how anyone could even try to argue that it was not right. The word "temporary" might be hard to expect, but you obviously do not have a temporary, disposable relationship going on!
Sara, your first commentor, makes these types of comments on my blog too. You're right to be confident in what you're doing and to not let these things affect you!
Congratulations again for your "engagement" :p Let us know how the plans roll out.
Dress is beautiful, by the way!!
As a muslim, you really think it is right to fraud to obtain money by hiding your so called marriage??
i wanna come :D lol
and the dress is pretty! but i'm not a big fan of long sleeves, since you don't mind it add them :)
i'm just going to wear a satin shirt under my dress... which i need to find soon, any idea where i could get one (shirt not dress)? i need to get that baby altered/bustled (is that the right word?) i'm assuming you'll need to do that too, so don't wait. i actually should get mine don't now :S hoping to have my reception in oct, and for his family in aug isA.
I don't believe it's fraud. If the United States chooses not to recognize religious unions as marriage, then that's that. To stay on my father's insurance I had to remain his financial dependent. And I have. I live with him, he buys my food, shampoo, heat, electricity, etc. My father is one of the most moral people you'll ever meet and he HATES me even staying one night with my husband because he fears then we're lying about my dependent status. We aren't lying. I am dependent. Therefore, no fraud.
Also, I think our health care system is seriously flawed when one DOES have to postpone a legal marriage in order to receive affordable health care. Why should money be so intertwined with marital status?
I know of a couple married almost 50 years that got divorced in order to afford a life saving operation. They still lived together as husband and wife, and I'm sure it broke their hearts to be "legally divorced" after so many years together. But honestly, wouldn't you rather have your spouse be alive than legally considered your spouse? Do you consider that fraud? I'm sure in the legal sense it is. But morally, I choose to believe their actions were justified.
@ Muslim and Proud - I don't really know where to find a satin shirt. I'm assuming you mean something plain, white, shiny and high necked? If those are the only criteria you want met, perhaps a white long sleeved leotard would work. My one fear would be that it would look more "cheap" than your dress (because of course your dress looks fantastic!).
Here is a site with just some examples: http://www.dancewearsolutions.com/dancewear/leotards/long_sleeve/viewall.aspx?gclid=CNXfsvWBj6ACFRLxDAod0DEbfA
I took dance lessons from the time I was 6 until I was 18 so I own a number of these sorts of things. No white, though.(Although I do have that ugly robot silver one shown). With it being a leotard, you do have the issue of tightness, but you don't have the issue of it riding up under your dress.
If I see anything better I'll let you know.
masAllah, congrats!! Very happy for you :) I'm began my relationship with muta w/ my husband as well, and while we were islamically married by an imam awhile ago, we still havent gotten legally married as it will take away my financial aid. anyway sorry, just wanted to let you know there are others out there like you and not yelling haram!!! i LOVE that dress, masAllah :) you'll look beautiful
what you are saying is that your father was supporting you ,so it means that your husband wasn't meeting his islamic obligations as a husband.There's so many things wrong in this.So it's marriage for sex purpose only.. temporary marriage for sex = prostitution.
I think it is wrong to steal, even if you don't agree with the country's system,
In islam we are taught to obey the laws of the country we reside in.
I pay taxes that you benefited from while lying, no wonder muslims get a bad name...
That is such a lovely dress :)
Good luck with the planning!
re: anonymous - and I don't pay taxes? I've paid taxes for the past 7 years thank you very much. What of your tax dollars paid for my education? I'm on an academic scholarship, not financial aid.
My husband may not have been supporting me for these 2 years but he HAS fully supported our son financially. My parents have not helped with our son's expenses at all. He has met all of the obligations I expected of him. Also, how can you compare a 2+ year, exclusive relationship to prostitution? I could see you comparing it to cohabitation/long term relationship w/out marriage...but NOT to prostitution. That doesn't even make sense.
I do know people who use muta w/girls for one night only. That IS wrong and comparable to prostitution.
and your husband does not have to fully support you until you've had the reception. i know many girls who still lived at home after the contract and were supported by parents until they have the reception. and since it wasn't legal you weren't doing anything wrong. no fraud.
now i claimed married on fafsa and am going to get a grant, if i hadn't had my marriage legalized then THAT would be fraud.
muslim&proud,you say "and your husband does not have to fully support you until you've had the reception" that means no sexual contact either...
I think the likelyhood of his ever taking you to Saudi and marrying you, making you part of his real family are very slim. And be very careful, he may take your son. If he does that you will never get him back.
re: the most recent anon -
1.) I don't want to be "taken to Saudi." I wish to remain here in the U.S. But if you're referring to registering the marriage with his country, he fully intends to do so, although we are aware that it will be difficult, time consuming, and probably require wasta.
2) You talk as though his "real" family does not know of my existence. (first, I believe a person's family to be their spouse and any children, but anyway...) His parents talk to us at least twice a week via skype. His father calls me periodically just to check and see how things are going. His mother had an abaya made just for me (took my measurements and all that jazz) His sister (plus her husband and daughter) live next door and we have dinner with them -at least- weekly, oftentimes more.
ALSO, his mother, other sister, and father are coming to visit this summer. They will be living with us, in OUR apartment for two months. Sounds like a FAMILY to me.
I'm not some dirty little secret. Our relationship is quite public. And stop with the "oh he might take your son!" crap. Watch "Not without my daughter" much?
Congrats on the upcoming ceremony! @Sarah: How is having a child within a religious marriage wrong? If you have an issue with mutah, then you also have an issue with the companions who practiced mutah in the time of the Prophet. And how is Sunni-approved 'misyar' (or any of the other numerous forms of temporary marriage in Sunni Islam) any different?
@Nikki: by the way, I'm sure you may know this already, but a Saudi student getting legally married while still a student results in an automatic denial for marriage permission (since it violates the terms of his scholarship). You wouldn't be allowed in KSA (except for Hajj), and you wouldn't be allowed to be with him either (unless you want to risk the muttawa chasing you down).
mysiar is not a temporary marriage,it's a marriage where the bride agrees to give away some of her rights,like being supported and/or living with the husband.It's usually a second marriage, or a marriage where a widow doesn't want to loose her freedom etc.
Do your research sakina08, it's not like Mutah ,Mutah was later made haram, like several things,e.i alcohol
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