---rough post. little time. orignially written as a comment to Ellen.---
It's INCREDIBLY uncomfortable. All of the things I didn't realize until conversion. At first I truly thought I could go and worship God in my own way...but out of 6 songs, maybe one, MAYBE one, mentioned God alone. Also, communion...I still take it and feel sick every time. Instead of praying the blessing prayer, I pray that God will forgive me and know that I am taking it as I would any old grape juice and bread.
My preacher's really conservative and preaches a strict, narrow path to heaven that I can't agree with at all. If he would preach more about Jesus' teachings on love and charity and less about how those who "deny the cross" are hell-bound...maybe I could take something useful from a sermon or two.
I went this morning and felt like I stood out. First, all of the girls/women anywhere near my age had on cute springy/summery -short- dresses with no sleeves, etc. I was dressed more like the 40+ set in my white maxi skirt and long sleeve teal top. Second, I feel it is quite apparent that I don't generally sing the songs, and that I leave out certain words of some songs EVERY WEEK (For instance, I'll sing "Praise Father" but leave out "son and holy ghost" and then I'll chime in again on "Amen.") I used to take great pride in my singing voice at church (need a lesson in humility, eh?) and everyone could see my joy when singing (what I thought) were God's praises. Now I'm silent for most of the service. Silent through the worship of Jesus, and silent through the sermon condemning me to Hell.
Despite all of this, I still consider it "my church." I grew up there. The people there are my family (literally for a good chunk of them). I don't know how to leave. It's not just my parents keeping me there. It's my Sunday school teachers from when I was younger, it's my cousins, my grandmas. I attended or taught Bible school there every summer since I was born.
Ugh. It's a big deal for me. I hate going. And I hate that I hate something I use to love. I'm not handling this well.
7 comments:
I think you're handling it better than I did, considering you're still going each week. I came to it in the same way that you did - optimistic and thinking that it would be easy to apply my own beliefs to the service. But, like you, I found that it was so, so hard to just concentrate on God at church... and again, like you, it has made me resent the church that I had loved with all my heart. I guess something that made it easier for me though is that my old priest had retired - it's easier for me to just say that I dislike it now because he's not there... when in reality I think I just can't take the whole thing anymore :(
im sorry to hear youre having problems with this sis.. insha'Allah it will get easier as time goes by. Do you see any of the people outside the church? maybe it would be easier to leave if you knew that you would still see them occassionally.. and if this fills you with dread maybe you will realise that they just arent worth it. Allahu alim :D
Maybe when you marry, you can just stop going. It will be easier then, I'd think. Especially if y'all move ..I can't remember if that were an option for you or not.
*hugs* its rough but it can be done.
Wow I can't imagine how it feels to change your beliefs, yet still be a part of the church that you actually grew up in. I can't imagine going back to one of the conservative Baptist churches I attended as a kid. I would just be cringing every few seconds ;-)
This is just something you'll have to deal with for a season, and then you'll move on to the next challenges in life!
God bless!
why do you go, what an hypocrite!!!
You are an adult, you say you are muslim!!!! And you say you are married, so why this charade!!!!
Stand up for your beliefs, it makes me sick ,people like you, fakes!!!!!
Amelia
wOW, DON'T EVEN listen to what the Amelia chick is saying, wth??
You are doing good sis, mashallah. You are suppose to keep up your family ties and please your parents, and at the moment you are living with them so this is something you have to do. Eventually you'll stop going, and you are skipping all of the bidaah, and this is YOUR life so do what you think is best with Allah swt in mind.
Plus, Amelia, if you are reading this, her family knows she is muslim SO THERE IS NO CHARADE! She has not been muslim for too long and her family has not known for long at ALL that she is muslim..she is in the vERY beginning of things and she is working through separating herself from certain things and finding a middle ground. Don't be so harsh in your judgment, just like you would not want Allah swt to be harsh when judging YOU.
Post a Comment