I converted to Islam last June. There is no big "date" that I can point back to. I said my shahada myself to God from my bed multiple times before reciting the Arabic with my husband one day.
When I started this blog I had not yet told my family. Those of you who have followed me know that I told them at the end of October. I had been Muslim for 5 months.
Those five months of hiding seemed like an eternity. They literally seemed to stretch forever, every day the question of "when should I tell them?" plaguing my mind.
I thought once I told them I would be more free to openly "practice." But my telling them didn't affect all that much of my actual "Muslim-ness." Living with my husband has helped. I've been praying regularly since moving in. I can now recite the prayers in Arabic w/out the use of my "cheat sheet." I can't believe it has been 8 months now since I've told them. I expected to have grown so much more in the 8 months than I actually have. I quit wearing capris this summer (last summer it was already rare) and have given up short sleeve shirts. When with my husband I am generally in proper hijab, but with my family i still do not wear the scarf and usually have 3/4 sleeves. I feel it draws less attention to me that way.
I long for the day when I can dress one way and only one way regardless of who's around. Insha'Allah that day will come soon.
In regard to dress, my mother just called while I was typing this. My sister's wedding is in October. She picked a bridesmaid dress that I cannot possibly wear. Strapless and short. She won't talk to me about it, so all dress negotiations are done through our mother. Mom just called with an alternative for me to look up on the website. It was floor length with straps, be still sleeveless. I said, it's okay, but can I wear a jacket or at least a shawl. My sister (through my mom) not only said that "no" that was not okay, but also that she wanted me to get it cut to just below knee length.
What is the point of looking for an alternative dress for me if it's still not meeting any of the requirements that my idea of modesty calls for? I'm glad she's at least acknowledged now that I won't be wearing that other dress, but really...we've got a long way to go still. I'm the matron of honor, so really I don't think it would be that odd for me to be wearing a different dress than the other girls. Also, our extended family has seen the way my clothing has changed over the past year, and after my long sleeved wedding gown I don't think anyone would be surprised to see me in a more modest dress. She says it's "her wedding" and she "envisioned" this specific dress and I'm "ruining" her pictures and whatnot. I understand that many brides feel they are in control of every aspect of their weddings, but really, is it more important to have your sister by your side or to have her in such a specific dress. Others, not understanding the call for modesty, may side with her, saying I'M the one who should put my sister first on her wedding day and wear whatever regardless of whether it's a potato sack or a clown costume. I see it differently, though, I see it as putting Allah first, not just an issue of clothing. What do you think?
13 comments:
Ok, I totally understand your sisters point, and at the same...sorry but no. Religion totally tops anyone's wedding. If I was in your situation, I'd say I either get my choice of outfit, or I am not going to be the matron of honor at all. (But in my case, my whole family knows the kind of clothes I wear, so thats why it'd be a lot easier for me).
I'm glad you are loving the life with your husband,alhamdulllah!!! When you brought up your wedding dress i was like omgg because yeah it was BEAUTIFUL!
I'm very sorry to hear that your sister is so unyielding when it comes to honoring your choice of faith.
I agree w/ Alabaster Muslim, you being there showing your support for your sister and her choice in life should be enough for her to respect yours.
May Allah soften her heart.
let's see,choosing between Allah's command or your sister's, how difficult can that be??????
@anon - I completely agree...it is not a difficult choice, which is why I've told her my specifications again and again. What IS difficult, is the fact that she keeps finding alternatives that are "better" but still not hitting the mark.
BRIDES! Why are they so rigid with dress codes?! You know I too had a bit a similar situation with a friends wedding...man are they hard to talk down.
Stay firm, obviously your comfort and your beliefs are more important than your sister's dress code. You could cut the dress to knee length and use leggings underneithe. Im sure you can get a shawl or a cute jacket. Be firm, she loves you. But she is clouded by her "vision" of the perfect day.
God help the brides. God help us who have to deal with them :)
When my brother was married, his wife asked me to be a brides maid. I told her that I would choose my dress or that I couldn't be a bridesmaid and also that I would cover my hair. My mother actually had way more trouble with it than my sister-in-law.
Anway, just show her what you have in mind. Honestly, she is sort of being a brat about it... :-/ Just because you are getting married doesn't mean you get to be super spoiled...
hahaha LK posted something similiar on Ink Blots Blue Abayas about a hens night!
My best friend and I always joke that I won't be allowd to be a bridemaid at our close friends wedding - because she is super fashion conscious and there is no way she would agree with me 'altering' a bridesmaid dress to allow for modesty.
On a totally different topic Ihave been reading through your blog after the insightful post you left me - very interesting! One thing that struck me on one of your posts was when your son fell of the chnaging table and wasn't hurt (thank God) and your father said you needed to thank "God and Jesus." It seems to me (and correct me if I'm wrong) that American Christians really love to mention jesus, and seperately from God? I mean you always see US christians trotting out the "jesus, my lord and saviour" line: but I wonder how many really understand it? hmmm
My view (as a Christian) is that jesus was a man/had a physical body but Gods spirit. Personally when I pray I don't pray to Jesus, I pray to God. Part of Jesus was God in a sense, so i think we CAN pray to jesus - but what we are actually praying to is God's spirit. If you wanna call it God, or Jesus fine. It's the same thing - but they are not two seperate enitities! Also I think we have to be careful not to pray to Jesus as a man. It seems to me many christians cannot make this distinction. This is why I dislike the trinity theory - i think it confuses many christians, and subconsciously they start to distinguish between God and Jesus so it becomes God AND Jesus - almost two Gods! While Christianity actually teaches there is only one God.
I wonder if this is what your father does? (without knowing it?)
Personally I believe there is ONE God - he is omnipotent, omniscient and omni present - so that means he was able to send His spirit to earth (Jesus) and we also refer ti this as the Holy Spirit - when in reality it is all God. The trinity just gives labels to these 3 expressions of God, but personally I think it may do more harm than good, the way it is so often misunderstood!
I can imagine as a Muslim how infuriating your Dad's comment must have been because even I cringe and I am Christian! There is no "God and Jesus" you can call him God.. or Jesus but it is the same thing, there is only one! :)
If my bridesmaid refused to wear a dress I chose because it wasn't her taste, I wouldn't accept that. And from your sister's perspective, it must be hard to understand that these are principles (modesty) that you hold dear, and not something you can just stop having just for her wedding. Stay strong about it. Remind yourself that it's hard for her to understand, but important to you and stick to what you believe in. If she'd rather not have you as a maid of honor because of a dress and how it would look in pictures, then it's not right. I sucks to upset your sister, especially when it's about something that is all about her, but I think she can do nothing else than figure out that she wants you to be the maid of honor and that it's a sacrifice she has to make for you, even if it's "her day". It'll still be special!
Nikki, your blog's title says it all " striving to the best of me". And you are trying greatly. I am not on your sister's side or yours. And i can not advice you on something that i would carry the fault of my whole life, but can not both of you reach a half way deal. She is the birde so she tend to be over controlling, but you are her sister. Now, don't go with threatening if she won't do this, then you won't attend the wedding??. if she refuse and didn't agree to some of your choices, then you can attend without being the matron of honor.
finally, how about attending with your choice of the length of dress, strapless with shawl and you can drop the shawl when pictures are taken to please her.
don't make it as if it's between following your sister or Allah. It's not.
@Alabaster - I'm glad you liked my wedding dress! I'm so sad that now it just has to get stored in a box until my daughter (that doesn't yet exist) asks to see it and then laughs at how much styles have changed over the years...
Goodness I'm jumping ahead of myself, yes? lol
@ Misschatterbox - My poor father is beating himself up over my conversion. He and my husband work at the same university so they sometimes have lunch together and the topic is usually religion. My dad loves a chance to express his views, but my husband has been asking him some tough questions regarding the relationship between Jesus and God (i.e. trinity and such) and my dad is beating himself for not "knowing enough." Now, my dad is a Sunday school teacher, he "knows" more than many Christians, it's just the trinity is something I've yet to see anyone explain well. AND, I was once the one being asked the questions by my husband. He does not pressure, but I would get so upset because I'd have the Bible open in front of me yet I still couldn't find an answer that would convince him, and eventually, I couldn't even convince myself that the nature of God that my church was teaching matched what Jesus actually preached about God.
I find it interesting that you think American Christians have a different, perhaps more literal, but yet inexplicable, take on the trinity than Christians elsewhere in the world. I wonder why that would be?
@wafa' - thank you for your kind words. My mother finally tired of being the intermediary and dragged us both to the dress shop yesterday. :) My sister tried on the dress the other girls will be wearing while I tried on a number of floor length dresses to find one that would coordinate well. It is definitely a compromise on both our parts, and I know it isn't "proper hijab," but I TRIED, I really tried and I hope that that's what counts in the end. I ended up with a long dress with straps, the v-neck is lower than I'd like but maybe when they alter it (take the straps up) it will end up covering more. It is floor length, but has a slit in the back. I am also wearing a shrug. It's 3/4 sleeves, and sheer... Still, better than nothing. And black sheer so it isn't TOO see through.
In the end. Neither of us is super happy, and neither of us is devastated. I think that means we did it right. :)
Nikki is your sister religious? because if she is then she should understand that God (and his commands) come FIRST. We have to put God first, even above family.
I feel bad for your dad - my fiancees husband was crying when he told him.. I guess one of the first reactions is to blame themselves. However there is no way we can guarantee our cildren will follow our religion or even believe in God! We have to accept at some point that our children will have to make that choice for themself. Secondly, while it is important to be 'informed' and knowledgable this is not enough when it comes to faith. After all some of the best Muslim, Christian and Atheist scholars are all educated. They have read the same books and studied the same texts. They are all intelligent. And yet presented with the same evidence they come to different conclusions. I hooe your Dad can realise that and ease up on himself - chances are if he was the most erudite, educated academic in the world it still would not change your mind.
As for the American Christian thing, (and it is just a general observation) I don't think it's a different take exactly.. i think every nation views God/religion through different 'cultural glasses' - asian christians and western christians practice christianity differently in the same way indonesian muslims and arab muslims practice islam differently. it just seems that in the US (possibly due to the strong evangelical movement?)their cultural view emphasises jesus. I also think that evangelical movements can sometimes be 'lazy' when ti comes to explaining things - so they take shortcuts which lead to misunderstanding.
My approach to the trinity is sort of back to front. Having stripped my faith down to the point where I didn't know what I believed I slowly rebuilt it - but not according to what I 'had' to believe.
I didn't decide to become a Christian - I thought ok let's see what I do believe.
So I studied. I concluded the bible had not been changed.
Next point: I concluded (from the Bible and historical evidence) that jesus was crucified. That he rose again. I concluded that his spirit was from God and existed before all creation. So part of him was God. And I believe all things are possible with God.
So this is as far as I go. Is that the same as the trinity? I don't know - but I don't feel the need to label it or make it conform to a metaphor that has been used to explain it. 'Coz that's all the trinity is - a metaphor/explanation. The problem is that when concepts like eternity, an uncreated God, 'the trinity' etc which are all impossible for the human mind to grasp (because they all extend beyond what we know to be scientifically 'possible') we grasp on the metaphor used to explain them and then settle with that.
Or so i see it :)
@ Misschatterbox - my sister is religious, in the don't drink, don't fornicate, don't swear, go to church every Sunday kind of manner. Yet she dresses as though she never stepped in a church in her life. I guess modesty is not something our church ever "pushed." They would mention it, but it was just that, the word "modesty." No actual guidelines to go by or examples of what not to wear. My parents also, are both Sunday school teachers, taught us right from wrong, etc. but always went by society's definition of modesty. Shorts that aren't SO short that they look like underwear, tanks that don't show too much cleavage, and "modest" bikinis. (which I've now come to realize don't exist, lol)
I was forced to take a swimming suit or two back in my youth once my mom saw them at home, lol. But other than that, there wasn't a lot of enforcement. As we got older (16/17+) verbal warnings turned into "glances" to let us know they weren't pleased, but they'd let us choose for ourselves. It's funny that now I get these same displeased glances for dressing "too" modestly, or not wearing enough make up, etc.
I feel bad for both of my parents. My mom thought, at least initially, that she had failed as a parent/Christian due to my conversion.
I too think the evidence points to Jesus being crucified. My husband got mad saying I was disagreeing with the Qur'an, but I think I can take the verse that says "they" didn't kill him to mean, a) it was God's will so "they" didn't kill him and b) he was raised (at least in spirit) so again, not technically killed.
I know that's not the normal Muslim belief. But again, it's all about deciding what you PERSONALLY believe, not blindly adopting every thing any particular religion or sect tells you to.
Nikki, I enjoyed yours and Miss Chatterbox's conversation. :)
It's always interesting to hear what others outside of the US think of US Christians. I agree that "God and Jesus" is rather misleading though I'm sure your dad stressed the Jesus part because he wanted you to associate God with Jesus and not Allah.
I enjoyed Miss Chatterbox's thoughts on the Trinity. She's right in that it is just man's attempt to explain something that man cannot fully understand - God.
Good conversation.
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