Still not where I wanted to be...

It seems I'm always looking to future events and telling myself, I'll wear hijab after that, insha'Allah, after that, no, after that.  (graduation, my wedding, my sister's wedding, for example).

But new "events" that would put my hijab on public display just keep popping up.  Making me use the same phrase in my  head again and again, yet no longer believing it.  I'm tired of wearing hijab "part-time."  I want to actually embrace it as a part of my faith.  But fear of judgment and people's reaction to me (disowning, simple discomfort that could isolate me more than I already am, etc.) holds me in the same place I was at a year ago.  Where is the progress?  I have made small strides, but I'm still disappointed in myself.

My sister's wedding was really holding me back.  It was hard enough to get her to let me choose an alternative dress and wear a 3/4 sleeve cardigan, if I had asked to wear a headscarf there would've been huge arguments, etc. and we didn't need that at the time.

Now my cousin/best friend has asked me to be in her wedding.  And the fear starts again.  What dress will she choose?  How will I tell her that I need to modify it?  Will I be wearing a headscarf by August?  She is my BEST FRIEND (and has been for the past 23 years...and yes, we're both 23), but she doesn't know of my conversion.  She is a totally different person than my sister, though, and I know if I asked for a modest dress she'd be all sure!  Wear what you want!  Where my sister had this "perfect" wedding vision, my cousin said the most expensive thing she wants in her wedding is the mixed nuts.  No, really, she said that.  So I know she'd be accommodating if I'd just ask, but I'm afraid.  She lives 4 hours north of our hometown, and i'm moving 4 hours south...so there are more than 8 hours in between us and I will probably see her at most, 3 times before the wedding this August.  There were so many times I wanted to tell her about me and Islam when she was home visiting, I don't want to do it through e-mail/facebook and I especially don't want to do it on the phone (I hate talking on the phone...).  I'm running out of options, though.  And the longer I don't tell her, the more likely a dress dilemma becomes.  Also, hiding it from her has put a bit of strain on our relationship.  I'm sure she's noticed, but not commented, that I just seem a bit distant, like I'm holding back and am more reserved.  Which, I am, because I'm keeping a HUGE part of my life from her.

Will there be a point in my life that I can quit worrying about "coming out," if you will.  I thought telling my parents would start the ball rolling for the rest of the family to find out.  BUT, my parents are guarding this secret like none other (they're embarrassed and also afraid of judgment) and since telling them almost nothing has happend with the rest of the family.

I can't take the standstill, anymore!

In addition to my cousin's wedding, my high school reunion is to be this year.  First I was looking forward to it, there are a lot of people I truly miss.  BUT, I'm not the same person I was in high school.  And although I didn't drink in high school, I often hung out with them when they did and know well enough that our reunion will turn into a total drunk fest.  First off, it's only been 5 years, we're all 23/24 and most are still totally immature.  Secondly, our class president, who's in charge of planning it, is a total party girl and anything she plans is not going to be high class.  So now, I went from looking forward to it to dreading it, within about two day's time.  My husband hates to be around alcohol, anyway (which, I do to, but am more used to it's presence), so getting him to go w/me will be a chore.  I'll obviously be dressed modestly, whether or not I decide to go full headscarf, and will stick out like a sore thumb, especially if it's in the summer.  I do want to wear hijab to, well, kill about 112 bird with one scarf, so to speak.  But, is a gathering that will most likely contain alcohol the proper place to say, Hey, I'm a Muslim!  Not really because alcohol is haram, they all know from high school that I don't drink anyway, but because they'll be drunk and more likely to make really lame jokes about my serious decision to be Muslim.  I consider(ed) them my friends in high school, went to their parties and watched them drink themselves stupid, yet, they always mocked my devotion to Christianity a bit.  Now I'll be even more religious and conservative in their eyes and frankly, I'm tired of being the brunt of their jokes yet know I'll be putting myself up for more of the same.

Gah.  It's like high school all over again!  A part of me thinks I miss these people, but do I really?  What are real friends?  We had some fun together, but did they really respect me and my decision to go against the crowd, or were they mocking me more often than not?  I remember one occasion where I really felt accepted, was when it came out that I had lost my virginity before our friend Justin (by a few months).  He almost died when he found out that the goody-two-shoes of the group had "gotten laid" (to use our crude speech) before him.  I remember being proud of that fact, even though I knew I shouldn't.  Even though I knew I was manipulated, lied to, and used.  Even though I'm still just shy of calling it rape.  I still basked in that feeling of belonging, of surprising them with my dirty little secret.

This post took a wrong turn.  :/  I make myself sick.  Maybe I should forgo the reunion and just meet up with some close friends.