Noorart is having a huge online sale to make room for new inventory. I got a whole Arabic curriculum (6 levels, 1 textbook per level) for my son to support his bilingualism for FREE. Yes, shipping was kind of costly for 6 textbooks ($15) but still, the books were FREE because they're old editions. Everyone knows they change like one paragraph or the preface or something and call it a "new" edition just to make more money, though. So I'm sure they won't be obsolete because they're from *gasp!* 2007, lol.
I also bought some cute children's books on grandparents overseas for my son since he's yet to actually meet his father's parents. They are coming this summer insha'Allah to stay with us for about 2 months. I can't wait for my husbands mother to finally get to hold her grandbaby (who is a toddler now, but still cuddly :)
It's 1 in the morning and I could be called at 7 in the morning to substitute teach. I hope not. :/
Goodnight!
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Catch Up
Cecilia over at My Life My Story tagged me awhile back. I will finally complete this tag by telling you 7 things about myself. Hopefully I can catch you all up on what's been going on with me, as well!
1. I am officially a college graduate. I should be positively thrilled, but instead I'm a bit let down. Sitting at graduation between one girl I became friends with the day of the ceremony (we talked before but nothing much) and a girl that I went on a service trip with (who I find incredibly annoying), I realized that I have very few friends from college. I met my husband in college, of course, but he doesn't graduate until next semester. I have two real friends I met in college aside from my husband. One is a girl I met in freshmen biology, but she still has a year to go due to choosing her major late, and one my sister's fiance. My only other friends are from high school, or cousins who attend the same university (two of my cousins graduated with me on saturday).
All around me I saw people celebrating, getting pictures together, making after ceremony plans... and I felt like an outsider. The only pictures I have are with my parents, husband, sister, son, grandma, and one with my cousin and sister's fiance'. I barely even spoke to either of them at college, and they're the only ones dressed in those ridiculous caps and gowns that got their picture taken with me. I realize I did this to myself. I did not lead the normal "college lifestyle" to begin with. After having a baby, I became even more withdrawn from the social scene, missing even halal events in order to be home with him. Prior to his birth, I was so consumed with my husband that I didn't care to attend any extracurriculars. Now I wonder about my choices. There is not one person for me to miss. I cried after I got home from graduation. Not because I was emotional about graduating, but because here I was/am graduated summa cum laude with a B.S. in Elementary Education with minors in both reading and English as a New Language...the highest honors possible, one of 12 out of 1400 to receive special recognition for having a 4.0 at graduation...and I had not one stinking friend to share it with.
2. I am officially unemployed. Prior to graduating I was content marking "student" in the occupation box on forms. Now what? I need to start applying for teaching positions. I've been done for a week now, though, and haven't made a move to begin. To be honest, I don't think I want a job. I'd rather stay home with my son until he's old enough for school himself. We could live on my husband's salary alone, but very very frugally. I'd really like to have some money to call my own, yet I have no motivation to a) find a job and b) actually go to that job and work. In addition to needing/wanting a bit more money, I also need health insurance because mine goes bye-bye as soon as we're legally married.
3. I need some money of my own for three specific reasons, the first being that our legal marriage ceremony is JUNE 5!!!! As in, like 27 days! You say, why is this a big deal, since you're already married religiously, and even have a son together...? It's a big deal because now my parents will acknowledge our marriage, and let me move in with my husband. Along with the freedom to move out, comes my own cell phone bill, car insurance bill, etc. etc. etc. Which is why some xtra cash would be nice.
4. I also need money because my SISTER is getting married in October! I am supposed to be Maid/Matron of Honor which means I will have a lot of financial responsibilities. I will have to buy a dress (which she will choose...I already anticipate great arguments about this, she hates my modest dress...if she chooses strapless I will demand a bolero or cardigan to cover my arms, if she chooses short I will demand to wear full length...sure it's "her day" but I'm not sacrificing my modesty so that her wedding album won't be tainted with someone wearing a modified bridesmaids dress (in addition, insha'Allah I will be wearing hijab by october...that won't go over well I'm sure). I also have to throw her a shower and bachelorette party, both which will cost a fairly pretty penny.
5. The third reason I need money is for my son's formula. My husband can and does pay for it, but we are still not buying TOO much because I'm still breastfeeding. When that stops, the price will go up, up, up. My son's food issues are still not resolved. He's still living off of breastmilk, neocate ($140 USD a case (4 cans)), fruit, and potatoes. We hope to trial fish soon so that he has a meat source. Every new food we introduce has to be "trialed" for seven days before introducing anything else new or not cleared since his hospitalization in October. I am 110% certain of my personal diagnosis of my son with FPIES (food protein induced entercolitis syndrome), I have basically succeeded in also convincing his GI of this. Problem, GI now claims that that is not his department, and is done with us and referring us to an allergist. I will have to start at square one with the allergist, telling our tale from August 2009 to present. FPIES can be life threatening if treatment is not administered in the case of shock (which my son was in in October when we went to the hospital), which is why I want an official diagnosis a) so that I can bring a letter to the ER in the case of a future (God forbid) reaction explaining his condition and the appropriate treatment (so far the ER has failed us repeatedly) and b) so that I can bring a letter to future child care providers (if we no longer live close enough to my mom) explaining the seriousness of his disorder so that they can take me seriously when I tell them a stray cheerio on the floor can and will put my son in the hospital if eaten.
I am so passionate about this and extremely frustrated with the doctors and hospitals we've dealt with thus far. The first ER visit diagnosed it as "the flu," the second ER visit told us they were stumped, and sent us home without even administering the IV fluids that we came for even though he was dehydrated. The doctors we visited in between tested everything under the sun, yet won't cooperate when I've been waving the answer in front of them for the past 8 months. They are finally starting to listen now that I've printed an 8 page article from the American Academy of pediatrics detailing a study on FPIES, and written a letter detailing why my son fits this to a T. He is honestly a textbook case, yet they are too arrogant to admit that they failed to listen to me prior to the article.
-breathe-
If you want to learn more about FPIES or what I'm going through, you can watch this heartbreaking video of a rice trial of a little boy with the same intolerance. My son cannot eat sweet potatoes, green beans, rice, or oats. All other foods have the potential of causing reactions, which is why we have to try one food at a time for seven days (reactions build up with exposure)
6. I like to wear hijab. My family does not like me to wear hijab. My husband is starting to pressure me to wear hijab.
It's a good thing I like it and believe it to be a command from Allah or I'd be a bit put off at some of my husband's comments. He seems to think that since I'm moving in with him, I can just snap my fingers and wear it everywhere now. I wish it was that easy...but I'm still trying to be sensitive to my parents feelings, and they recently thanked me for not wearing it home (they know i wear it out w/out them), and I just don't want to strain things again like they were when I first told them of my choice to convert. It's so difficult, because my husband is embarrassed to be seen with me 'without' it, and my parents are embarrassed to be seen with me 'with' it, not only because it makes them uncomfortable, but because it brings a lot of questions, pity, and accusations on them, as well.
My husband was upset at graduation because many of his friends were there and not only was I there in the flesh (or in the robe?) not wearing hijab, but also, my picture was in the program for all to see sans hijab. I was uncomfortable seeing his friends because they have not seen me w/out hijab for months, some maybe even at all. Who knows, maybe my husband was even questioned, pitied, and accused by some of his male friends.
I know what the right thing to do is. I know that I can not make everyone happy, and that I'm hurting myself by being pulled in both directions. I know that what is most important, even above making myself happy, is making Allah happy. Insha'Allah I can pick up hijab fully, quickly, gracefully, and without causing much of an uproar in my family and community.
Two of my cousin's friends saw me in hijab at the store in April. Before even thinking about it I waved and said hi. My husband, quite astonished that I did not try to make myself unseen as I usually do, asked "won't they tell?" I said, of course they will, but my parents already know and they're the ones I was trying to protect, so so be it. They did tell. And the cousin they told is the town gossip, so she told at least three (maybe more) of my other cousins, who in turn e-mailed my sister's fiance, who it turn told my parents who in turn told me that my cousins were planning on staging an intervention. An intervention to save me from oppression and hellfire is what I'm assuming was in the works...but they must've all chickened out for I've been around them all again and again without any word of the matter. I even wore a maxi dress and cardigan to my cousin's bachelorette party w/out comment. (everyone else wore knee length or shorter)
Once I do actually wear it IN FRONT of them I think they'll attempt to "unbrainwash" me, but until there's an actual face to hijab moment I think they'll remain quiet.
7. Today was my second (or third?) mother's day depending on whether you count pregnancy as motherhood or not. My son is 1 1/2 so he's not exactly buying his own gifts for me yet. Hubby did get flowers and chocolates for our son to give me, though. The hanging begonia will look beautiful on the apartment balcony. I CAN'T WAIT TO MOVE!
As you can see...by the time I got to number seven, I was all typed out. I hope that's a sufficient enough post for all of you who may have wondered where I disappeared to. :)
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Modesty
For awhile I was leaning more towards the modesty is relative argument, but after thinking more about the issue, I now believe that rules regarding modesty should be universal.
Just because wearing a one piece bathing suit on the beach is regarded as modest, doesn't mean it is. If it is wrong to walk around in your underwear, then is it not wrong to walk around in a bikini? Being modest in the west means something different to everyone. My sister thinks she is modest in her short, short dresses as long as she has a cami underneath to cover her cleavage. I on the other hand, don't feel modest unless nothing but my feet and wrists/hands, face (and hair, but I'm trying to change that) are showing. Then there are those in between, considered modest by the general public, who wear knee length shorts and skirts and short sleeve tops. There's a whole spectrum to modesty and to say that it's relative, I've come to decide, means to throw out all guidelines from God and come up with what you think is better.
The perception of what is modest has changed in the west over the last 100+ years, but that doesn't mean it SHOULD have. That does not mean God approves of the shift towards shorter skirts and lower tops. When my aunt was in high school, girls HAD to wear skirts and could not wear pants. Now, girls are almost wearing, well, nothing. There was a day when even western women would die at the thought of showing even the slightest bit of their ankle...is it really so liberating to only die at the thought of showing one's crotch?
I'm all for pants, don't get me wrong, but it's like once the feminists got the ball rolling, they forgot to stop the ball from falling off the edge of a cliff.
While outside in the 85+ degree heat, in April mind you...summer's going to suck, I thought, gee I wish I could wear short sleeves. I admit, I glanced around, saw no one in sight, pushed my sleeves up and pulled my maxi skirt to my knees. I didn't feel immodest. Because I've been raised to think that this behavior is okay. I'm not going to lie...I hate wearing long sleeves in the summer. The pants and long skirts don't bother me so much, because I can see the logic in covering our legs, but the sleeves just aren't clicking. I wore short sleeves today in front of my aunt's husband and did not feel ashamed. I've been raised with him as my "uncle," and it's weird to suddenly think that I have to fully cover in front of him.
To base my perception of modesty on what I feel is comfortable or fun would be to ignore God's commands and replace them with my own, though. So I'm constantly trying to improve my dress, and even more importantly, my attitude toward said dress.
I feel in reality there is little difference in this, a girl (like myself) raised to believe immodesty is modest enough, and a child raised to think drinking alcohol is acceptable, as is getting drunk at parties.
If modesty is relative...is drinking now, too? Where do we draw the line? It's the norm to pray once or twice a day here, or even not at all. So is prayer relative...do we not pray five times, but just three as a kind of happy middle? More prayer than the norm, but not so much as to completely stand out?
Even I realize my examples may be a bit over the top. Nobody argues about prayer or alcohol relativity. But that's just it. Why? Why can we tweak the rules in some areas but not others?
I think we can not tweak any of the rules. Alcohol is not okay in moderation. Lowering your moral standards in regards to dress or any other behavior is not okay just because the culture claims it is.
I think that the abaya and niqab are cultural, and that there are other ways of being modest. I believe the amount of coverage necessary is universal, though. So whether you cover with a maxi dress and cardigan, an abaya, or an empty potato sack, I suggest we all strive to start covering what Allah/God commanded of us, regardless of when the commandment was received.
Just because wearing a one piece bathing suit on the beach is regarded as modest, doesn't mean it is. If it is wrong to walk around in your underwear, then is it not wrong to walk around in a bikini? Being modest in the west means something different to everyone. My sister thinks she is modest in her short, short dresses as long as she has a cami underneath to cover her cleavage. I on the other hand, don't feel modest unless nothing but my feet and wrists/hands, face (and hair, but I'm trying to change that) are showing. Then there are those in between, considered modest by the general public, who wear knee length shorts and skirts and short sleeve tops. There's a whole spectrum to modesty and to say that it's relative, I've come to decide, means to throw out all guidelines from God and come up with what you think is better.
The perception of what is modest has changed in the west over the last 100+ years, but that doesn't mean it SHOULD have. That does not mean God approves of the shift towards shorter skirts and lower tops. When my aunt was in high school, girls HAD to wear skirts and could not wear pants. Now, girls are almost wearing, well, nothing. There was a day when even western women would die at the thought of showing even the slightest bit of their ankle...is it really so liberating to only die at the thought of showing one's crotch?
I'm all for pants, don't get me wrong, but it's like once the feminists got the ball rolling, they forgot to stop the ball from falling off the edge of a cliff.
While outside in the 85+ degree heat, in April mind you...summer's going to suck, I thought, gee I wish I could wear short sleeves. I admit, I glanced around, saw no one in sight, pushed my sleeves up and pulled my maxi skirt to my knees. I didn't feel immodest. Because I've been raised to think that this behavior is okay. I'm not going to lie...I hate wearing long sleeves in the summer. The pants and long skirts don't bother me so much, because I can see the logic in covering our legs, but the sleeves just aren't clicking. I wore short sleeves today in front of my aunt's husband and did not feel ashamed. I've been raised with him as my "uncle," and it's weird to suddenly think that I have to fully cover in front of him.
To base my perception of modesty on what I feel is comfortable or fun would be to ignore God's commands and replace them with my own, though. So I'm constantly trying to improve my dress, and even more importantly, my attitude toward said dress.
I feel in reality there is little difference in this, a girl (like myself) raised to believe immodesty is modest enough, and a child raised to think drinking alcohol is acceptable, as is getting drunk at parties.
If modesty is relative...is drinking now, too? Where do we draw the line? It's the norm to pray once or twice a day here, or even not at all. So is prayer relative...do we not pray five times, but just three as a kind of happy middle? More prayer than the norm, but not so much as to completely stand out?
Even I realize my examples may be a bit over the top. Nobody argues about prayer or alcohol relativity. But that's just it. Why? Why can we tweak the rules in some areas but not others?
I think we can not tweak any of the rules. Alcohol is not okay in moderation. Lowering your moral standards in regards to dress or any other behavior is not okay just because the culture claims it is.
I think that the abaya and niqab are cultural, and that there are other ways of being modest. I believe the amount of coverage necessary is universal, though. So whether you cover with a maxi dress and cardigan, an abaya, or an empty potato sack, I suggest we all strive to start covering what Allah/God commanded of us, regardless of when the commandment was received.
Monday, April 5, 2010
Listen to This!
I don't agree with all of the "sheika's" teachings...but this was a beautiful program with such a strong message of tolerance and love. I would especially recommend it to reverts from a Christian background or those of you on the line between Christianity and Islam.
Here is the link where you can listen to it: http://insideislam.wisc.edu/chronological-listing.htm#Saldana . I downloaded the whole inside Islam podcast on my ipod ages ago.
Enjoy!
Here is the link where you can listen to it: http://insideislam.wisc.edu/chronological-listing.htm#Saldana . I downloaded the whole inside Islam podcast on my ipod ages ago.
Enjoy!
Dear Anonymous,
Contrary to popular belief, no, I do not actually care what you think about me, my life choices, or how I practice my faith.
Thank you for showing the intolerant, judgmental side of religion that we all know and love so well, though. It's good to have mixed reviews.
Becoming Muslim does not happen overnight. I studied for a long time before taking my shahada, but that does not mean I went from practicing Christian to perfect Muslim overnight.
At the moment I still mix pieces of both together quite often. I don't plan on doing this forever, nor do I try to justify my actions. If you had read carefully, you would have seen in my post on church how the practices that I used to love now sicken me.
I do not pretend to be a perfect Muslim. I knew what taking my shahada that that was only the beginning of the journey, not the end. Yes, there are others who postpone the shahada until they are "better prepared" than me. Ready to pray, ready to cover, and ready to severe ties with the church that raised them. I am not ready for all of those things. I'm working on them, of course!, but I'm not "there." I truly believe that it would be more sinful for me to not take my shahada and deny that I am Muslim even to myself rather than take my shahada knowing full well that I have a long way to go.
Am I a hypocrite? Of course. I truly believe we all are at times...that's what it means to be human. Am I a Christian for Christians and a Muslim for Muslims? No. I'm a Muslim at all times, although sometimes I don't publicly proclaim it from the rooftops (or the top of my head, haha). To be Muslim is to submit to God. It is a decision that must work from the inside and then move outwards.
I have never pretended to be at the end of my religious journey. You can judge me at my present stage as much as you'd like. That does not make you God. That does not mean you know my intentions or my heart.
How's it feel to be perfect? You must know... I think it'd be mighty lonely up on that pedestal.
Thank you for showing the intolerant, judgmental side of religion that we all know and love so well, though. It's good to have mixed reviews.
Becoming Muslim does not happen overnight. I studied for a long time before taking my shahada, but that does not mean I went from practicing Christian to perfect Muslim overnight.
At the moment I still mix pieces of both together quite often. I don't plan on doing this forever, nor do I try to justify my actions. If you had read carefully, you would have seen in my post on church how the practices that I used to love now sicken me.
I do not pretend to be a perfect Muslim. I knew what taking my shahada that that was only the beginning of the journey, not the end. Yes, there are others who postpone the shahada until they are "better prepared" than me. Ready to pray, ready to cover, and ready to severe ties with the church that raised them. I am not ready for all of those things. I'm working on them, of course!, but I'm not "there." I truly believe that it would be more sinful for me to not take my shahada and deny that I am Muslim even to myself rather than take my shahada knowing full well that I have a long way to go.
Am I a hypocrite? Of course. I truly believe we all are at times...that's what it means to be human. Am I a Christian for Christians and a Muslim for Muslims? No. I'm a Muslim at all times, although sometimes I don't publicly proclaim it from the rooftops (or the top of my head, haha). To be Muslim is to submit to God. It is a decision that must work from the inside and then move outwards.
I have never pretended to be at the end of my religious journey. You can judge me at my present stage as much as you'd like. That does not make you God. That does not mean you know my intentions or my heart.
How's it feel to be perfect? You must know... I think it'd be mighty lonely up on that pedestal.
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Hijab Development
More to follow. I've still got homework and it's 12:50. But I think I'm "getting there."
Reflections on Church
---rough post. little time. orignially written as a comment to Ellen.---
It's INCREDIBLY uncomfortable. All of the things I didn't realize until conversion. At first I truly thought I could go and worship God in my own way...but out of 6 songs, maybe one, MAYBE one, mentioned God alone. Also, communion...I still take it and feel sick every time. Instead of praying the blessing prayer, I pray that God will forgive me and know that I am taking it as I would any old grape juice and bread.
My preacher's really conservative and preaches a strict, narrow path to heaven that I can't agree with at all. If he would preach more about Jesus' teachings on love and charity and less about how those who "deny the cross" are hell-bound...maybe I could take something useful from a sermon or two.
I went this morning and felt like I stood out. First, all of the girls/women anywhere near my age had on cute springy/summery -short- dresses with no sleeves, etc. I was dressed more like the 40+ set in my white maxi skirt and long sleeve teal top. Second, I feel it is quite apparent that I don't generally sing the songs, and that I leave out certain words of some songs EVERY WEEK (For instance, I'll sing "Praise Father" but leave out "son and holy ghost" and then I'll chime in again on "Amen.") I used to take great pride in my singing voice at church (need a lesson in humility, eh?) and everyone could see my joy when singing (what I thought) were God's praises. Now I'm silent for most of the service. Silent through the worship of Jesus, and silent through the sermon condemning me to Hell.
Despite all of this, I still consider it "my church." I grew up there. The people there are my family (literally for a good chunk of them). I don't know how to leave. It's not just my parents keeping me there. It's my Sunday school teachers from when I was younger, it's my cousins, my grandmas. I attended or taught Bible school there every summer since I was born.
Ugh. It's a big deal for me. I hate going. And I hate that I hate something I use to love. I'm not handling this well.
It's INCREDIBLY uncomfortable. All of the things I didn't realize until conversion. At first I truly thought I could go and worship God in my own way...but out of 6 songs, maybe one, MAYBE one, mentioned God alone. Also, communion...I still take it and feel sick every time. Instead of praying the blessing prayer, I pray that God will forgive me and know that I am taking it as I would any old grape juice and bread.
My preacher's really conservative and preaches a strict, narrow path to heaven that I can't agree with at all. If he would preach more about Jesus' teachings on love and charity and less about how those who "deny the cross" are hell-bound...maybe I could take something useful from a sermon or two.
I went this morning and felt like I stood out. First, all of the girls/women anywhere near my age had on cute springy/summery -short- dresses with no sleeves, etc. I was dressed more like the 40+ set in my white maxi skirt and long sleeve teal top. Second, I feel it is quite apparent that I don't generally sing the songs, and that I leave out certain words of some songs EVERY WEEK (For instance, I'll sing "Praise Father" but leave out "son and holy ghost" and then I'll chime in again on "Amen.") I used to take great pride in my singing voice at church (need a lesson in humility, eh?) and everyone could see my joy when singing (what I thought) were God's praises. Now I'm silent for most of the service. Silent through the worship of Jesus, and silent through the sermon condemning me to Hell.
Despite all of this, I still consider it "my church." I grew up there. The people there are my family (literally for a good chunk of them). I don't know how to leave. It's not just my parents keeping me there. It's my Sunday school teachers from when I was younger, it's my cousins, my grandmas. I attended or taught Bible school there every summer since I was born.
Ugh. It's a big deal for me. I hate going. And I hate that I hate something I use to love. I'm not handling this well.
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