I'm still here. I hadn't even checked blogger for over a week it seems. It's hard to catch up with everyone after taking a break...
I'm enjoying our new home much more than I thought I would. 4 and a half hours doesn't seem so far. I'm currently at my parents house. We're "home" again, this time for immigration business. I actually wasn't ready to come back home to visit this weekend. It's a feeling I didn't think I'd have. I apparently like the additional independence that comes with living further away. We talk to my parents on skype basically every night, but I don't mind not being at every single event that I was previously expected to go to. Yes, family events can be fun, but yes, I need time to nurture my own small family of my husband, son, and self. The move has really helped our marriage. With my family and his friends hours away we have more time to focus on one another. We had gotten into a routine where we almost ignored one another, and it took a serious change of scenery for us to start to change that.
I felt a great peace when I was praying/making du'a last night. It was the first time in a long time that I've felt almost a literal embrace from God. I'm at peace with myself and Islam and hope to make some serious strides forward.
I've become a bit of a hermit, and sadly, I don't mind. In our new house I have a card table to do puzzles, a piano, a son, a husband, and one graduate class. That is enough to keep me occupied. I didn't leave the house for almost a week. Even now that I'm home, I posted on facebook about it/telling friends in case they wanted to get together. Only one friend replied, which is expected because the others are also out of town or we've fallen out of touch...but even that one friend, used to be the best of the best, I didn't respond. I didn't really want to get together.
It's weird. Because I'm not depressed, I'm not withdrawing to go sulk...I just kind of like my comfortable little routine.
We'll see. I know I need friends in our new town. Story Time at the library next Wednesday is supposed to get me an "in" with some moms...I hope my hijab doesn't turn them off. Despite the excellent company of my piano, I could use some girly companionship and my son could definitely use a playmate.
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Total Chaos
We moved our stuff out of our apartment 12/29/10. We lived in our brother-in-law's apartment until 1-8-10. We lived in our new Kentucky home until 1-10-10. And now I'm living back at my parents until 1-19-10.
My son is totally confused about where we live. I am tired of living out of a suitcase. I never imagined it would be close to a month after beginning to move before we were actually able to settle in. We were starting to settle, but my dad called on the 10th with the shocking (and heartbreaking) news that my uncle had died of a heart attack. So, my husband, God bless him, drove me four hours super late at night so that I could be with my family as we mourn. He drove the four hours back the following day for school. He tried his best to make it back for the funeral but it just didn't work out.
How is it one day you're alive and well, and the next day you're not? I think of my uncle at Christmas and on New Year's Eve, how full of life and whitty/racist remarks he was...and then I think of him at the funeral home. There in body, but not really there at all. Not really there at all.
May Allah have mercy on his soul. He certainly didn't consider himself a religious man, but he was a kind soul who did more for others than he ever did for himself. I don't know where he is now, but I pray he's at peace.
My son is totally confused about where we live. I am tired of living out of a suitcase. I never imagined it would be close to a month after beginning to move before we were actually able to settle in. We were starting to settle, but my dad called on the 10th with the shocking (and heartbreaking) news that my uncle had died of a heart attack. So, my husband, God bless him, drove me four hours super late at night so that I could be with my family as we mourn. He drove the four hours back the following day for school. He tried his best to make it back for the funeral but it just didn't work out.
How is it one day you're alive and well, and the next day you're not? I think of my uncle at Christmas and on New Year's Eve, how full of life and whitty/racist remarks he was...and then I think of him at the funeral home. There in body, but not really there at all. Not really there at all.
May Allah have mercy on his soul. He certainly didn't consider himself a religious man, but he was a kind soul who did more for others than he ever did for himself. I don't know where he is now, but I pray he's at peace.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Still not where I wanted to be...
It seems I'm always looking to future events and telling myself, I'll wear hijab after that, insha'Allah, after that, no, after that. (graduation, my wedding, my sister's wedding, for example).
But new "events" that would put my hijab on public display just keep popping up. Making me use the same phrase in my head again and again, yet no longer believing it. I'm tired of wearing hijab "part-time." I want to actually embrace it as a part of my faith. But fear of judgment and people's reaction to me (disowning, simple discomfort that could isolate me more than I already am, etc.) holds me in the same place I was at a year ago. Where is the progress? I have made small strides, but I'm still disappointed in myself.
My sister's wedding was really holding me back. It was hard enough to get her to let me choose an alternative dress and wear a 3/4 sleeve cardigan, if I had asked to wear a headscarf there would've been huge arguments, etc. and we didn't need that at the time.
Now my cousin/best friend has asked me to be in her wedding. And the fear starts again. What dress will she choose? How will I tell her that I need to modify it? Will I be wearing a headscarf by August? She is my BEST FRIEND (and has been for the past 23 years...and yes, we're both 23), but she doesn't know of my conversion. She is a totally different person than my sister, though, and I know if I asked for a modest dress she'd be all sure! Wear what you want! Where my sister had this "perfect" wedding vision, my cousin said the most expensive thing she wants in her wedding is the mixed nuts. No, really, she said that. So I know she'd be accommodating if I'd just ask, but I'm afraid. She lives 4 hours north of our hometown, and i'm moving 4 hours south...so there are more than 8 hours in between us and I will probably see her at most, 3 times before the wedding this August. There were so many times I wanted to tell her about me and Islam when she was home visiting, I don't want to do it through e-mail/facebook and I especially don't want to do it on the phone (I hate talking on the phone...). I'm running out of options, though. And the longer I don't tell her, the more likely a dress dilemma becomes. Also, hiding it from her has put a bit of strain on our relationship. I'm sure she's noticed, but not commented, that I just seem a bit distant, like I'm holding back and am more reserved. Which, I am, because I'm keeping a HUGE part of my life from her.
Will there be a point in my life that I can quit worrying about "coming out," if you will. I thought telling my parents would start the ball rolling for the rest of the family to find out. BUT, my parents are guarding this secret like none other (they're embarrassed and also afraid of judgment) and since telling them almost nothing has happend with the rest of the family.
I can't take the standstill, anymore!
In addition to my cousin's wedding, my high school reunion is to be this year. First I was looking forward to it, there are a lot of people I truly miss. BUT, I'm not the same person I was in high school. And although I didn't drink in high school, I often hung out with them when they did and know well enough that our reunion will turn into a total drunk fest. First off, it's only been 5 years, we're all 23/24 and most are still totally immature. Secondly, our class president, who's in charge of planning it, is a total party girl and anything she plans is not going to be high class. So now, I went from looking forward to it to dreading it, within about two day's time. My husband hates to be around alcohol, anyway (which, I do to, but am more used to it's presence), so getting him to go w/me will be a chore. I'll obviously be dressed modestly, whether or not I decide to go full headscarf, and will stick out like a sore thumb, especially if it's in the summer. I do want to wear hijab to, well, kill about 112 bird with one scarf, so to speak. But, is a gathering that will most likely contain alcohol the proper place to say, Hey, I'm a Muslim! Not really because alcohol is haram, they all know from high school that I don't drink anyway, but because they'll be drunk and more likely to make really lame jokes about my serious decision to be Muslim. I consider(ed) them my friends in high school, went to their parties and watched them drink themselves stupid, yet, they always mocked my devotion to Christianity a bit. Now I'll be even more religious and conservative in their eyes and frankly, I'm tired of being the brunt of their jokes yet know I'll be putting myself up for more of the same.
Gah. It's like high school all over again! A part of me thinks I miss these people, but do I really? What are real friends? We had some fun together, but did they really respect me and my decision to go against the crowd, or were they mocking me more often than not? I remember one occasion where I really felt accepted, was when it came out that I had lost my virginity before our friend Justin (by a few months). He almost died when he found out that the goody-two-shoes of the group had "gotten laid" (to use our crude speech) before him. I remember being proud of that fact, even though I knew I shouldn't. Even though I knew I was manipulated, lied to, and used. Even though I'm still just shy of calling it rape. I still basked in that feeling of belonging, of surprising them with my dirty little secret.
This post took a wrong turn. :/ I make myself sick. Maybe I should forgo the reunion and just meet up with some close friends.
But new "events" that would put my hijab on public display just keep popping up. Making me use the same phrase in my head again and again, yet no longer believing it. I'm tired of wearing hijab "part-time." I want to actually embrace it as a part of my faith. But fear of judgment and people's reaction to me (disowning, simple discomfort that could isolate me more than I already am, etc.) holds me in the same place I was at a year ago. Where is the progress? I have made small strides, but I'm still disappointed in myself.
My sister's wedding was really holding me back. It was hard enough to get her to let me choose an alternative dress and wear a 3/4 sleeve cardigan, if I had asked to wear a headscarf there would've been huge arguments, etc. and we didn't need that at the time.
Now my cousin/best friend has asked me to be in her wedding. And the fear starts again. What dress will she choose? How will I tell her that I need to modify it? Will I be wearing a headscarf by August? She is my BEST FRIEND (and has been for the past 23 years...and yes, we're both 23), but she doesn't know of my conversion. She is a totally different person than my sister, though, and I know if I asked for a modest dress she'd be all sure! Wear what you want! Where my sister had this "perfect" wedding vision, my cousin said the most expensive thing she wants in her wedding is the mixed nuts. No, really, she said that. So I know she'd be accommodating if I'd just ask, but I'm afraid. She lives 4 hours north of our hometown, and i'm moving 4 hours south...so there are more than 8 hours in between us and I will probably see her at most, 3 times before the wedding this August. There were so many times I wanted to tell her about me and Islam when she was home visiting, I don't want to do it through e-mail/facebook and I especially don't want to do it on the phone (I hate talking on the phone...). I'm running out of options, though. And the longer I don't tell her, the more likely a dress dilemma becomes. Also, hiding it from her has put a bit of strain on our relationship. I'm sure she's noticed, but not commented, that I just seem a bit distant, like I'm holding back and am more reserved. Which, I am, because I'm keeping a HUGE part of my life from her.
Will there be a point in my life that I can quit worrying about "coming out," if you will. I thought telling my parents would start the ball rolling for the rest of the family to find out. BUT, my parents are guarding this secret like none other (they're embarrassed and also afraid of judgment) and since telling them almost nothing has happend with the rest of the family.
I can't take the standstill, anymore!
In addition to my cousin's wedding, my high school reunion is to be this year. First I was looking forward to it, there are a lot of people I truly miss. BUT, I'm not the same person I was in high school. And although I didn't drink in high school, I often hung out with them when they did and know well enough that our reunion will turn into a total drunk fest. First off, it's only been 5 years, we're all 23/24 and most are still totally immature. Secondly, our class president, who's in charge of planning it, is a total party girl and anything she plans is not going to be high class. So now, I went from looking forward to it to dreading it, within about two day's time. My husband hates to be around alcohol, anyway (which, I do to, but am more used to it's presence), so getting him to go w/me will be a chore. I'll obviously be dressed modestly, whether or not I decide to go full headscarf, and will stick out like a sore thumb, especially if it's in the summer. I do want to wear hijab to, well, kill about 112 bird with one scarf, so to speak. But, is a gathering that will most likely contain alcohol the proper place to say, Hey, I'm a Muslim! Not really because alcohol is haram, they all know from high school that I don't drink anyway, but because they'll be drunk and more likely to make really lame jokes about my serious decision to be Muslim. I consider(ed) them my friends in high school, went to their parties and watched them drink themselves stupid, yet, they always mocked my devotion to Christianity a bit. Now I'll be even more religious and conservative in their eyes and frankly, I'm tired of being the brunt of their jokes yet know I'll be putting myself up for more of the same.
Gah. It's like high school all over again! A part of me thinks I miss these people, but do I really? What are real friends? We had some fun together, but did they really respect me and my decision to go against the crowd, or were they mocking me more often than not? I remember one occasion where I really felt accepted, was when it came out that I had lost my virginity before our friend Justin (by a few months). He almost died when he found out that the goody-two-shoes of the group had "gotten laid" (to use our crude speech) before him. I remember being proud of that fact, even though I knew I shouldn't. Even though I knew I was manipulated, lied to, and used. Even though I'm still just shy of calling it rape. I still basked in that feeling of belonging, of surprising them with my dirty little secret.
This post took a wrong turn. :/ I make myself sick. Maybe I should forgo the reunion and just meet up with some close friends.
Friday, December 17, 2010
Quick Update
I was accepted within one day and I've already registered for classes. It seems going to grad school at the same university you did your undergrad at with an academic scholarship and a 4.0 makes the whole admittance thing fairly easy.
I've already registered for classes and owe over $2,000. Insha'Allah it will be worth it. Alhumdullilah, I completed my undergrad on scholarship and actually had so much left over (I had many...)that I think I can cover the entire cost of this program. Alhumdullilah, alhumdullilah, Allah provides.
I've already registered for classes and owe over $2,000. Insha'Allah it will be worth it. Alhumdullilah, I completed my undergrad on scholarship and actually had so much left over (I had many...)that I think I can cover the entire cost of this program. Alhumdullilah, alhumdullilah, Allah provides.
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Since when have I thought things through...
During a sudden spell of insanity...I applied for graduate school.
Huh. Didn't see that one coming.
Huh. Didn't see that one coming.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Still getting ready to move...
So we rented a cute little duplex. Mailed the signed lease and security deposit today. Dumped the movers. Found Jameel (the guinea pig) a new home. And packed a few boxes.
What I'm really saying, is we aren't ready at all, and the duplex is ready for us Dec. 27. YIKES!
The moving company gave us a $1900 quote. I guess since we're on the second floor and we're moving 4 hours away...but still, we aren't moving ANY appliances at all, not even a microwave, so you think it would have been a little more reasonable. I told them thanks but no thanks. We'll get some friends to help us for free and load up a Uhaul for $300. Sure we'll have gas costs on top of that, and my husband will be terribly grouchy, but we'll have saved over a thousand dollars, lol.
I'm nervous and excited all at the same time. I'm already missing my family because I'm basically snowed in here just living 30 minutes away. Imagine 4 hours....yuck, yuck.
In other news...it's FREEZING. At 10 o'clock this morning my husband was getting ready to go to work and told me to check the temp. I told him, "why bother, it's glacial..." And true to my word, it was a whopping 3 degrees Fahrenheit. 3 degrees at 10 a.m. Sucks, it does. We have ice on the inside of our windows, lol.
I'm glad I don't live in Alaska. I couldn't stand winter for that long.
What I'm really saying, is we aren't ready at all, and the duplex is ready for us Dec. 27. YIKES!
The moving company gave us a $1900 quote. I guess since we're on the second floor and we're moving 4 hours away...but still, we aren't moving ANY appliances at all, not even a microwave, so you think it would have been a little more reasonable. I told them thanks but no thanks. We'll get some friends to help us for free and load up a Uhaul for $300. Sure we'll have gas costs on top of that, and my husband will be terribly grouchy, but we'll have saved over a thousand dollars, lol.
I'm nervous and excited all at the same time. I'm already missing my family because I'm basically snowed in here just living 30 minutes away. Imagine 4 hours....yuck, yuck.
In other news...it's FREEZING. At 10 o'clock this morning my husband was getting ready to go to work and told me to check the temp. I told him, "why bother, it's glacial..." And true to my word, it was a whopping 3 degrees Fahrenheit. 3 degrees at 10 a.m. Sucks, it does. We have ice on the inside of our windows, lol.
I'm glad I don't live in Alaska. I couldn't stand winter for that long.
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Group Project - You should take a peak
http://jkklgroup10.wordpress.com/
One of my (non Muslim) friends from university did a group project for her graduate studies and this blog is the end result(or, continuous result?).
I know she and the group would be thrilled to know that their work was being read by Muslims, and especially Muslims outside our small geographical area.
One of my (non Muslim) friends from university did a group project for her graduate studies and this blog is the end result(or, continuous result?).
I know she and the group would be thrilled to know that their work was being read by Muslims, and especially Muslims outside our small geographical area.
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