is getting a bit more interesting. So 2 years of longing to wear hijab, but being shamed into not wearing it around my parents has got me to this point. The point of no return (insha'Allah!). The time has come when my two worlds are colliding. The in-laws are in the United States. And my parents want to meet them. Including my two brother-in-laws, one of which as never seen me w/out hijab (the other one has only because we knew each other prior to my conversion).
When my dad found out only the parental-in-laws were coming to this meet and greet, he wondered why the additional 5 family members were staying behind. I hedged around the question as much as I could before finally saying, "because my BIL's never see my without a scarf on." The loudest silence ever came through my phone receiver. He did not say, "oh, well then, wear a scarf, we'd love to meet them!" No, instead, when he finally found his voice (fought back the tears...) he said, "Well, then we'll start with this then."
I thought surely when I got home it would come up again. I hoped that this would be the point where I truly became a FULL time hijabi. But it came up only briefly. And was then dropped rather quickly when he saw the problem was ME, not them (the in-laws).
I can only hope that his feeling of 'duty' in meeting the rest of the family will cause the issue to rear it's controversial head again and again. We both could really use the shove. I've said it before, but the pressure is forever mounting. It's incredibly frustrating to feel you have to hide this huge part of yourself. Or worse, have people know that make you feel ashamed to practice openly.
Insha'Allah, insha'Allah the time is fast approaching. Keep me in your prayers!
In other news...I changed my facebook religion from "There is no God, but God" to "Muslim." I'm sick and tired of tiptoeing to not offend anyone. I know I launched a 'coming out campaign' awhile back, but it came to a bit of a standstill after I told my close friends, brother, and cousin. Insha'Allah Allah is working out the perfect timing and insha'Allah that time is soon!
4 comments:
Best wishes dear. Its a really hard thing when your parents oppose your beliefs.
I keep you in my prayers and I hope soon you'll be able to live your religion openly with all. It is always difficult for families to understand because it is a change they are not prepared for, but surely with time they will.
May God bless you for trying hard. Take care.
Salam sister,
Just wanted to say, i used to lead this "double life" you can say for at least 1.5 years. I was a muslim wearing long khimar and then on the other hand working as a receptionist wearing trendy clothes and no hijab.
It was the worst time of my life as i was doing many things i didn't want to do, yet i was the one continuing to let these things happen.
You and of course Allah are the only ones in control of your life direction and where u want it to go, with few exceptions.
You almost there..so close mashallah.
Just remember how far u have come and what u are fighting for and its all worth it inshallah.
Remember in like 2 years time from now u will think back and wonder why u were worrying so much because inshallah by then ure family will know what ure all about and u will be living the life u want to live.
P.s. im one of them silent readers so i have read all ure posts and love ure blog altho never posted.
_LaVitaBella
oh sweetheart I really felt for you, reading this post!
I can only imagine how hard itmust be caught-in-between. I read through some of your old posts to make sure I remembered correctly - you told your parents you're Muslim right?
As regards wearing hijab - I know it must be hard for them to accept - it's an outward visible sign of Islam, but really compared to the change in your relgious beliefs it's such a small thing in comparison. If it helps you can tell headcovering is pre-Islamic and was worn by Christian women many years before Islam. And many Christian women cover today, some wearing hijab - you can point them to my blog!
I know my situation is not the same because I am Christian - but within the Christian community and my wider circle of non-christian friends/family/colleagues etc it was very hard for them to come to erms with Christian covering. My family was uncomfortable for ages. One of the biggest reasons I think was that I was acutely self-conscious and aware of their reaction - and people pick up on that. I used to cover around some people and not others too - and when they met it was tricky! But one day I met a friend in the city who I hadn't seen since I started covering, and I completely forgot I was wearing a headscarf. It was only afterward that I realised by being comfortable
myself my friend had also accepted the situation with ease.
I know it won't be that easy with your parents.. but maybe it's worth just saying "Look I don't want to have to hide or fake it around you guys. You should know I wear a headscarf normally and I'm not going to hide it around you." And then just be yourself - it will take time. BUt eventually their focus will be you, not what you're wearing. Maybe even wear it at home sometimes even though you're not require to wear around them Islamically. If they ask why are you wearing that, just say you caan't be bothered takign it off and putting it on again.
I don't want to over-simplify. I realise it's easier said than done, and the whole situatio is painful.
I'll pray for you today sister and for your families love for you to outshine their difficulties with your decision.
Much love!
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