These are not my friends, but my friends and I did take a number of similar pictures 'back in the day.' When was 'the day,' you ask? High School, I guess. In high school I had friends to share my life with.
Presently, the vast majority of my 'friends' haven't even seen my son yet...and he's 8 months old. Those that have seen him, have only seen him once or twice; it's ridiculous. Do I blame them? Not entirely. I've always been different from them...I was the "Christian" of the group. The religious one who wouldn't 'party' in the traditional drinking/clubbing sense. This has always set me apart, but as I got involved with my (now) husband, I became even more conservative, thus, even more set apart. (also, they've become even more....immoral? sex, drugs, and alcohol in abundance it seems...one of my best friends (from high school, we've grown distant over 3 years of college) didn't even TELL me that she almost died of alcohol poisoning at a party one night. I guess they don't share their lives with me because they feel I'll judge. I've made my share of mistakes in life, though, so I've learned not to judge others. I think the Bible says something to the effect of 'who are you to point out a speck of dust in someone else's eye when there is a plank in your own.' I know the Qur'an should be my main point of reference now, but I am more familiar with the Bible, and even if it has been changed, there are still some good lessons to be learned from the teachings of Jesus.
Back to my topic...I miss having friends. I would love a good close-knit group of girlfriends that I could just call up when hubby's busy and chat away about life, love, family, and faith. I don't have that, though. I had two groups of friends in high school...the non-religious group that is now more off course than ever, and the conservative Christian group. This group was small, lol, because my high school is primarily atheist. The three friends of mine that have maintained ties (fairly well) with me since high school are from this group, though. That was always a blessing, but now...
Since I've converted to Islam I feel so uncomfortable around everyone. Like I'm living a lie every minute I converse with them and don't tell them about this wonderful discovery that affects every aspect of my life. A week or so ago we went shopping for one of their birthdays...I bought a purple hijab (i.e. scarf). They thought it was funny, because they don't realise I wear hijab when able, that I would waste my money on a scarf that I would surely never wear. (i'm famous for my lack of accesorizing, so my purchasing a scarf was quite out of character to them) At the store I was dying to try the scarf on to see if it was wide enough and not see through. But I couldn't, because it would give me away.
A different friend came over the other day. I hadn't seen her since January. She is not religious. We caught up with each other, and I mentioned how I had been going to church less. This is because I'm now uncomfortable with all of the focus on Jesus...but I didn't tell her this. I'm scared that she got the idea that I've become disillusioned with church because my parents made me go every Sunday for so many years. I think she's happy with the idea that I'm losing religion. Oh but she's so wrong! I didn't lose my religion, I just completed it. And I respect my parents for raising me to be a moral, church going, God fearing girl. I had the perfect opportunity to tell her...but I knew our relationship would never be the same, so I choked.
I want to shout it to the world...I AM MUSLIM AND PROUD. but instead I deny deny deny through my silence, and for that I am sorry. And for that I hope God can forgive me.
I don't want anyone to read this and get the idea that I regret the changes I made first for my husband, but ultimately for my faith now that I am Muslim. My faith in God comes first and my husband is an incredible best friend! I just wish that my other friends would mesh better with my new lifestyle...or maybe what I should really wish for is new friends? I feel like hubby has tons of friends while I'm left with a handful that are only available when convenient. And my handful can't even relate to me anymore because I am 1) a mother and 2) a Muslim...I have become something totally foreign and unknown.
Ugh. I sound so pitiful. I'm really not drowning in self-pity. I just get lonely at times. Why can't you beautiful ladies live next door and not half-way 'round the world?
5 comments:
Ah! I really understand where you are coming from. You don't sound pitiful at all - its hard to find good people. On gradutation, all of my university friends decided to keep the student vibe alive by living in a shared house for the next two years, spending their days and nights drunk and high and not taking life seriously at all. We lost touch: I wasn't into that scene. I made friends through work and finding flatmates: and I have maye 2 or 3 real diamond friends which is all you really need.
Oh yes, it just seems that some people grow up faster than others. I settled down and had my son 'young' (21) so I lost relatablitiy with a lot of my single (or dating), free from responsibility peers.
I can identify with your situation a lot. I still have 3 close friends from H.S., but really only 2 of them are that close because the other is was raised conservative but recently started partying (she's 24). The others have more in common with me as far as morals go. 1 of them is married and the other would love to be, but hasn't met the right guy yet.
I think you need good friends who are Muslim, or at least have a positive image of Islam. You would also benefit from having friends with kids your own age. I am also struggling with that right now b/c we just moved to Portland and I don't know many people here yet. Fortunately, my best friend and her husband are moving here in a couple weeks!
Oh yeah, and quality is more important than quantity with friends, but you probably already know that ;)
I understand how your feeling, I am feeling that way also at this point in my life. I don't really have any friends anymore, you know like a close girlfriend who you share everything with.. I enjoy life, and although this is a sore spot for me, I know I will meet another great person if it is meant for me.. :)
Good luck on your journeys :)
Ah, I feel for you. I have been feeling lonely lately. I wonder if you and your son could join a community mommy group. My sister is in one and it's made up of allllll sorts of moms. Maybe there will be some Muslim moms whom you can be friends with.
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