for killing my father.
Not literally, I suppose, but emotionally. Last night things got a bit heated and he was calling me a 'liar' and a 'deceiver' and I told him I only lie to him to protect him. Of course, that brought great suspicion and "protect me from what?" I eventually just said, "Dad, I'm Muslim." Everyone else in my family was in bed, dad runs away from me pulling at his hair and cussing (I'm not aware that I've ever heard him cuss before in my 22 yrs of life). I chase him and brace myself for the discussion that I've known was going to come along sometime.
"No daughter of mine is going to be Muslim."
"You're going to Hell."
"You're an American."
"I should have sent you to a Christian school."
"Water can be solid, liquid, or gas, but it's all water." (the trinity for those of you not familiar)
"I should have never let you date (husband). You wouldn't have gotten messed up with Islam if it wasn't for him."
"I will never accept this. I will always pray for you and (husband) and (son). I'm not gonna just let you raise (your son) Muslim."
I hurt so bad. Emotionally and physically. I mean, I physically feel I might vomit occasionally. I know my dad does, too. Those statements above...they were not typed to poke fun at my dad. Neither of us is laughing. I just wanted to let you get an understanding of the response I'm up against. My dad looks at me and tears up one second, the next he's poking his finger in my face telling me I've "denied Jesus and he's not going to accept it." He loves me, and he's torn between anger and grief. I love him and I'm honestly not angry with his response (aside from his not allowing me to parent my child the way I deem appropriate). I'm all grief. I don't regret my conversion, because I've finally put God first in my life, but I do regret the pain I've brought to my father, and ultimately my family.
My mom doesn't know yet. She's real excited about some stuff we have planned for Sunday and neither dad nor I wanted to ruin it for her. I guess I'll probably need to tell her Monday then. She can tell something's totally off with my dad, and I know they'll need each other through this time. She'll react worse. She practically acted worse when I lied to her in high school about an event involving a pickup truck, four police vehicles, and a shot gun. (story for another day?) I lied about my involvement in said incident and she bawled she was so disappointed in me. "I thought I raised you Christian!"
Oooh, things are going to get so much worse before they ever have a chance of getting better.
I think my dad summed it up nicely when he said "Remember when you told me you were pregnant? I was so mad at you. But this is 100 times worse, and I will never get over it."
Prayer for us all would be nice. My son's appointment was today. That's for a separate post, but right now... I just need to lie down.
13 comments:
I know this is so difficult for your family, but I know your love is so strong and one day you all will be fine. At least you can't say your father doesn't love or care about you. Hugs!
OMG nikki,
I just want to say that, even though you finally told him through anger, I am so so proud of you! Mashallah, May Allah (swt) reward you!
You have some hard times ahead of you, thats no lie. And you have to tell your mother, the sooner the better! I understand your wait for monday though.
Your dad is reacting this way now beacause you finally told him, but I think that he has known all along. And now you are really going to have to watch your parents with your son, they will teach him christian ideals, especially now that they know you will not teach him.
Inshallah soon things will be better! It will take time, let the initial shock wear off and then inshallah eventually he'll be able to think of things more rationally (though he might not ever like it).
Sister, as soon as everyone knows you should try to wear hijab. (that was random but i just thought of it).
All of this is your personal Jihad, and I will pray you come through strong! With many rewards, and inshallah everyone becomes muslim :D Ameen.
as always, keep updating!
aww i'm sorry habibti. my dad likes to ask questions about islam like "Why aren't you allowed to do this?" then completely ignor the reasons i give by saying "but it also has benifits"
i honestly don't know what he really thinks because he doesn't talk about stuff that bugs him.
As-salam Alaikum sister!
My story is very similar to yours, and I learn so much from your posts. I wanted you to know that through everything, Allah will never give you more than you can handle!
I took my Shahada friday, and sunday evening my stepfather was in a motorcycle accident that left him in a coma. My entire family (super conservative Christians) is here and everything is "Praise Jesus" and "thank Jesus, our Lord." Today my mom found me reading a book on Islam and she told me that she didn't want me to think of converting, that God told her Jesus was Lord and the true way. I just told her "It'll all be ok, mom. Everything will work out." It's so hard to tell your family when you know that they will not uplift you in your faith, but only try to drag you down!
Inshallah everything will work out with your father! I can't lie and tell you he will come around soon, because only he can control that, but Inshallah he will see that he has an amazing daughter/son in law/grandson and that their happiness means more than his traditions! Just smother him in love and show him the kindness that we are taught by Allah (SWT). I am praying for you sister, and thank Allah (SWT) that you no longer have to hide who you really are anymore :)
Mashallah sis, really. I wanted to write a whole lot of stuff about how strong you are and how wonderful what you did was but I think that you will see that for yourself. InshaAllah all the pain that your father feels will go away with time. We learn by example: inshAllah he will see the effect that Islam has on you. It might take years but, like AlabasterMuslim said, that's your jihad.
I don't know if you've read this book (you probably have!) but I think it summerises how God can be of help to us:
"The Greatest Right of God: Then the greatest right of God incumbent upon you is that you worship Him without associating anything with Him. When you do that with sincerity, He has made it binding upon Himself to give you sifficiency in the affairs of this world and the next and to keep for you whatever of them that you like."
- Imam Sajjad (a.s.)
Wow, I wish I could give you a hug. What a terrible day. Your dad is going through his worst grief now, but I think he will eventually realize that he can't change you or your family by arguing and realize that your relationship is more important. Praying for you in this rough time.
Masha'Allah for telling him, even though it was such a trying experience. Insha'Allah with time he might begin to accept it or at least not be so angry/hurt.
Well, good for you for having the courage to say it to your Dad. I bet that was hard, but you seemed fed up and at your wits end, so good for you!
Now it is time to talk and allow him to try being rational. Right now he is irrational. He must have many prejudices and stereotypes about Muslims. He said "Your American" as if there are no Muslim Americans out there. He definitely needs to be educated.
Just because your Muslim does not mean you need to adopt Middle Eastern culture or clothing. You can still be an American culture wise, and a good Muslim.
This part might be hard but you have to be firm with him now. This is your son, and he is going to be a Muslim. This is your chosen religion and you are a grown woman able to make your own decisions.
They might eventually lose you if they cannot come to terms with this. It is a big deal that they accept you for who you are.
I would think about saying all of this if I were you. It sounds to me like many arguments are to come. Best to prepare.
Big Hugs
As Salaamu Alaikum:
My dad never got over it. He died upset with me. It was so difficult standing up to him; in a gentle way of course. In all of my years, I had NEVER disobeyed my father. I thought the ground was going to open up and swallow me.
Congrats to Sister Nikki.
All I can say is Subhanallah. I am so proud of you that you had the strength to tell your father. And I am so, so sorry that he is so upset. I still do not have the courage to tell my parents that I am Muslim for fear of exactly what is happening to you. As painful (and I know it is very painful) as this whole thing is, never forget that ALLAH (swt) is Al-Waliyy, the Protecting Friend, and Al-Wadud, the Loving. Seek refuge in Him through dhikr and du'a, and He will never abandon you. And don't be afraid to cry and ask for extra support from your husband and friends at this time. Insha'Allah I will keep you in my du'as now and always. Your sister in Massachusetts supports you every step of the way.
Assalaamu alaikum wa rahmatullah wa barakatu.
insha´allah! it will work out for the best! But I am so sorry you have to go through this...
oh sis i wish i had seen ur blog earlier.
would have been really good.
i got so mcuh trouble cuz of the family. dont let them confuse u in to taking ur hijab off.
RUbber
@ EVERYONE - thank you all sooo so much for your support and prayers during this time. It's nice to have someone in my corner. :) Also, to those who've commented about similar experiences in their past or coming in the future, thank you for sharing your own story with me. I love hearing about others' experiences and I also hope I can give another sister encouragement if she hasn't completed the step of telling her family. Things were/are bad. But just like Safiyyah, I thought the ground might open up and swallow me, yet I'm still standing and things are already not so dramatic anymore. Insha'Allah my parents hearts will be softened and they will eventually be able to accept my chosen path to God.
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