and I know that another's faith does not affect my own, but the whole kimdonesia, vintagegoth thing has left me a bit shaken.
How can you be soooo convinced of something, and then turn your back on it?
As I typed that last sentence, I realized that people could ask the same question of me and my leaving Christianity. I was a Bible School teacher, church camp counselor, etc. etc. Converting to Islam has been very hard for me. The only person really supporting my decision is my husband. I am not a strong Muslim. I still have a lot of doubts. I took my shahada in June, yet i STILL haven't learned how to pray. I make excuses about how busy I am, full time mother and student. But, my priorities are not straight, I spend more time online researching Muslim clothing and typing on this blog than I do reading the Qur'an and learning the prayers and more importantly, praying those prayers.
Makes me scared, much like the vintagegoth, that I am Muslim for the wrong reasons. I am not at the point where I would renounce my shahada. La ilaha illa Allah. I do still have reservations about Muhammad, much to my distress. I believe he's a prophet, but at the same time, I'm uncomfortable with the empasis placed on him in prayers, etc.
I guess my big problem is, WHY AM I DRAGGING MY FEET? Why do I worry more about wearing proper hijab than praying 5 times a day? Is hijab a pillar? NO. Is prayer, ABSOLUTELY. I still have Christian understandings of things, like prayer, I think. I pray (du'a) at night lying in my bed just as I did when I was a Christian. And that's generally the only time I contact God during the day. And I'm generally falling asleep.
I think I've overestimated where I am spiritually. Both when I was a Christian, and now, as a Muslim. I was seen as a 'good Christian girl,' because I went to church every Sunday. I rarely read the Bible, though, and my prayers were sleepy ramblings at bedtime. I'm just as bad at being a Muslim. I rarely read the Qur'an, and my prayers are sleepy ramblings at bedtime. But, just as my church attendance made me feel justified in my 'good' standing in Christianity, my abtaining from pork, alcohol, and modest dress have made me feel justified as a 'decent Muslim.'
I'm tired of being lukewarm. Where is my desire to submit? It's something I wondered while Christian, and it's something I'm still wondering on this new religious path. I want a relationship with God. I want to feel like my prayers are reaching someone. I want to feel, while reading the Qur'an, that I am truly glorifying God by reading his literal words.
Sometimes I fear that I'm not chosen. That I lack the ability to move beyond a logical understanding and belief into a true relationship and desire to please, follow, submit.
This has been a good post for me. It's reassured me that the problem isn't necessarily Islam, it's me and my priorities, because I practiced Christianity similarly. I need to be spritually revived. I want to read the Qur'an because I WANT to, not because I feel I should. I want to pray because I WANT to, not because I'm afraid of disappointing God.
I think a break from blogger and online shopping is necessary at this point. I dropped facebook because of the time it stole from me, but I found other webites to waste my time (and money). God deserves more from me, and so does my son.
I'm going to try my hardest to only log onto blogger once a week when my son is asleep. I am going to give the little free time my son allows me to God, not the internet. Somehow I got messed up, prioritizing, son, homework, me, and then God. That's not right at all. I wish I could put God at the top of the list, but my son has very real needs. It sounds awful saying that, but I don't know how to have it any other way.
Alhumdullilah, I'm still a Muslim.
10 comments:
i think you have pulled the best possible conclusions from this whole situation. We all need to follow the faith that we choose because we love God and want the priorities of our lives to reflect this. If we focus too much on outward piety, our hearts can still feel really empty. Its so easy to do as humans.
We all need to focus on having a relationship with God and the other parts should fall into place.
Introspection is a good thing.
Nikki I completely understand what you mean about prioritizing God. (Maybe not the conversion, but it still kinda seems new to me seeing as how I've worn hijab for 2 years but only started praying for 1)
And the circumstances around my own hijab are very uhh murky.
May God lead us all onto the right path :]
Oh sister, Don't stress yourself! The thing people do is get hung up on feeling like a bad muslim, christian etc. But instead just slowly try to work at your struggles, Allah (SWT) understands! I would say amerce yourself around muslims, but that won't necessarily help. When i was alone and had no one (no muslims) that is when i really started 'getting into' islam. What you said is a good idea, deciding to devote your time to more islamic outlets. But just make sure you are not too hard on yourself! Allah(swt) is the most merciful, the most forgiving.
And Alhamdullilah, you are still a Muslim :D
Salaam alaikum,
Just by writing this post you are showing your sincerity to Islam and your devotion to ALLAH swt. Admitting that you may be falling short in devotion to ALLAH can be very difficult, but it is absolutely essential for one to do if one ever wishes to change. You are being very honest with yourself, which is so important. ALLAH knows your situation and your intentions, and it sounds to me like your intentions are good and sincere; you are really just pressed for time and dealing with a lot of other things right now. Don't feel like you have to be a perfect Muslim all at once, because it's never going to happen. It took Prophet Muhammad (saw) over 20 YEARS to receive the entire Qur'an. It's all about baby steps. As long as your intentions are good, and (as your blog name says) you "strive to be the best you", Insha'Allah everything will work out. ALLAH is always there to help you, and He is the Most Forgiving and the Most Merciful. And you also have the entire ummah here to support you. :)
Love,
Anne
Salaamu Alaikum,
I replied to your comment on my page.
Btw, before you stop writing, please an update on the family situation and your sons health! Only if you want, of course, but since you love me sooo much i know you can't resist an update :D
What a sweet and honest post. :)
wow how inspiring !
I could have written this post myself... It's so hard to be a new Muslim... I also feel like my faith is low compared to where I wish it was... Time is so limited. I also have a sick child. Alhamduliah, she's doing great lately and not requiring much "extra" attention other than the medicines, but it's lots of time to have any child as mothers know!
You are doing the right thing in rearranging your free time. I feel without a computer (and don't have TV either) and it has made me become more interested in Qur'an. Internet can be such a big distraction!
And just on a note of support about what you are feeling about believing Muhammad was a messenger but uncomfortable about emphasis put in prayers, I feel the same way... I think there is too much emphasis put in most aspects of religion... It's important to accept him as a prophet or else you cannot accept the Qur'an, but I think that his main role was that of a messenger. I take inspiration in the good things he did, but I don't necessarily take everything as a rule I must follow.
masha'Allah good post sis, and Im glad it helped clear the air for you. I also find sometimes writing things down gets them sorted in my head or makes me see things as clearly as other people would do my problems. Just remember, baby steps... the Quran was sent down over 23 years to perfect for Muhammed (saws) and the sahaba. Things werent expected over night, people used to turn up to prayers drunk at the beginning.. this is what I always tell people who have problems at the beginning of their new path.
Conversion to Islam is not an overnight process. We first believe, and then we slowly adopt various parts of the religion when we are ready. When I first converted, I was very comforted by the many people telling me to take my time and not to do something until I was sure of it and fully convinced of it. That helped calm my nerves and fears a great deal.
We can always pray to God, at any time and any place, just like what you are doing. The wajib prayers though are not required for God's sake, but for ours. It is a test for us to show our sincerity, to see if we really can put God first in our lives. It can be hard to get into the habit of doing it, but I really like it a lot; it's a chance to check in with God every couple of hours. It helps prevent you from making bad decisions or doing something bad because in the back of your mind, you know you'll be standing in front of God in a few hours and will have to be accountable for it. Plus... if we can spend so much time watching tv, playing around online, talking on the phone, or whatever, how is it that hard to stop a few times a day and give a few minutes to the One whom we owe our entire existence to?
Post a Comment