a bit worse than I had anticipated. I'm pretty sure if it wasn't for my son, I would have been kicked out of the house last night.
"You're not my daughter." (mom)
"You're not my sister." (sister, obviously)
"You were my best friend and now you don't even exist." (mom)
"I've failed at my one duty in this life. I might as well blow my brains out." (mom)
We got in such a heated argument about how my son would be raised that coming home from teaching today I was half afraid that I'd come home to find my son kidnapped. It was an irrational fear, but things are really not going well right now.
My dad is begging me to continue going to church with them. I've been adamant that I am past the questioning stage, so why would I continue to go. It would only be for 'appearances' and it would be a lie. Our church is small, and very close knit. The majority of people in attendance are related to me in one way or another. My absence will not go unnoticed. They will mourn me and my son, and pity my parents. I do feel bad for my parents, because I know what's coming. But my continuing to pretend does not change the reality.
Hijab came up again. I finally just said, I've already been wearing it on weekends. "Why!?!" "I told you, I've been a Muslim since June, it's something I feel I should do."
Parental response..."You disgust me." "Who's going to hire you with that Muslim rag on your head?"
sister, 25 years old, crying in her bed overhearing quietly responds "no one."
My brother doesn't know. He's 16, though, and fairly laid back, so while he won't understand, I don't think he'll take it personally like the rest of them.
My mom has already taken care of Christmas. I will not be getting any gifts this year, it seems. I told her, "I already bought your gift." "Take it back." "I'm still going to give it to you, and I still love you."
She wouldn't tell me she loved me. She said she didn't feel any love. This morning she did reluctantly say it before i left, although now that it's just us and the baby at home we're kind of tiptoeing around each other.
I miss my best friends. (mom, sister) I hope all the anger and grief (and preaching) can get out now. I would love to eventually reach the point where we can agree to disagree.
Life as I knew it is over. I certainly hope it doesn't stay in this current state forever, though.
20 comments:
oh hunny HUGS! May Allah swt soften their hearts towards you AMEEN. May he make your transition easier on you and your family ameen. May he protect you from bad duas ameen.
This is hard but stay strong they love you and it may take some time (or a lot of time) they will come around. Your mom first and everyone else will follow later.
hows your baby's health? May Allah swt give him complete shifaa ameen.
*hugs* I'm sorry dear I don't know what to say. You are a very brave woman. May God protect you.
Amazing. You were able to respond in love even after all that. You are really strong Nikki and I think that your example of love will speak volumes to your family.
This is heartbreaking, I am so sorry. You are being unbelievably gracious though, I really admire that. It's as if you are the parent breaking some bad news to the child. I really hope your parents come around and repair the hurt they must have caused you by saying these things. Religion is a personal decision. It might be natural for them to be upset but they are acting as if you have done something wrong against them. You haven't - it's your life and you have a right to live it honestly.
Take care and I hope this stage passes quickly!
Im so sorry to hear its turned out like this.
I pray that things will turn out ok for you.
If they believe in God then they should know that God chooses our path for us. Maybe this was meant to teach them a lesson in unconditional love.
Besides, you both pray to the same God, and you both believe in Jesus, just not the trinity and of course Jesus was a man.
Even Christians seem to be swaying toward the fact that Jesus was a prophet and not God or God's "son."
Their reaction is so strong. I am always surprised that the most religious are also the least tolerant. I think most of it has to do with prejudice. I wonder if you converted to Judaism if the reaction would be the same?
Good for you for getting it all out there. We have you in our prayers and hope you can remain strong through all of this.
Plus, if a religious Muslim family was told their daughter wanted to stop wearing hijab and become Chritian, trust me, it would be just as bad... Hang in there.. This is the case for all really religous people, unfortunately.
God bless you for crossing the social and religous boundaries and following what is right for you.
sister, 25 years old, crying in her bed overhearing quietly responds "no one."
lol
this is clear emotional blackmail sis...it is so melodramatic, it makes me laugh my head off. i hope u dont take that to ur heart.
Rubber
Stay strong Nikki, you & your family have my prayers. <3
This hits incredibly close to home for me since I am pretty sure this is how my parents will react when I tell them. My heart aches for you, and I wish that I could hug you and tell you that I am always here for you and your family. I truly admire you for being so brave to tell them and to respond to their actions with grace and love, the way Muslims should always act. No matter what, ALLAH is always with you, and Insha'Allah you will be rewarded greatly for your sabr and kindness towards your parents regardless of their actions. You are truly following the ways of our beloved prophets by responding to hardship with kindness and truth (something Ibrahim, Musa, and Muhammad {peace be upon them all} all did). I will continue to make du'a for you and your family always.
I'm sorry your family is going through such an ordeal right now. Give them time and things will be better.
salaamu alaikum sister!
Stay strong! May Allah bless you a million times over, and guide your family to Islam! Ameen!
http://inkblotsblueabayas.blogspot.com/2009/10/supplication-when-faced-with-worrisome.html
I find this prayer helpful in times of great distress. Be strong.
@ everyone - again, thank you all so much. You are really being too kind in praising my ability to respond in love. I'd like to think that I responded in a way that reflects well on the spirit of Islam, yet, I know at times last night I lost my temper and wasn't entirely respectful. I'm trying my best, though, just as we all do. :)
@ LK - that prayer was lovely and extremely helpful! thanks!
Dude, I am heartbroken for you. I wish there was some way I could help. InshaAllah it will only get better for you from here...sometimes you have to rip off the Band-Aid to let the wound get oxygen before it can begin to heal...
Best wishes :)
wow.. sweet sister!!!
I do not know where to start!
as a domestic violence victim advocate... what i see is pure domestic abuse. DV isnt always physical abuse but most DV is verbal and emotional abuse.
I have been watching your posts... not commenting, but i wanted to finally step in and say something.
between what your father and mother said... that is exactly emotional abuse. i can not belive a mother would tell her daughter she might as well blow her.. omg I can not even say it!
Anyways, moving on... as a muslim and dv advocate i have conflicting feelings... but my gut tells me that time heals all.
give your family some time to adjust, then when things calm down in a few weeks take them aside and tell them everything.When you lost their faith, started quesitoning faith etc... how you found islam, what you thought about it at first, how it has changed you, what it means to be muslim etc. then come clean about your husband!
I know it is so very hard as a daughter to want our parents to be pleased with us.
Let me tell you about my family. I was raised Roman Catholic but there was always something that just didnt make sense to me. So, I started learning about every religion from wicca to hindu and everything in between. Just when I found Islam, before I accepted it, I met my husband.
My parents knew nothing about it.. and I lied and told them I was going to this strange country for something related to work... when i returned i mentioned i had met some one. a year later i started talking abotu islam after I heard my grandmother make a horrible comment. after I started to educate I ended up coming clean about everything.. my family hit the roof too! infact when my husband finally came home, my grandmother flat out told me i brought a terrorist home! ugh.. pure ignorance!
anyways, what I am trying to say is... even if it seems hard now.. they love you and inshallah they will accept the new you! you said it yourself, they have seen the positive change~ thats a good thing!
good luck!!!
Ok, I just have to say I am applying for a co-op in your state. If I get it I may or may not be around you-- it was founded in your state so there's many places all over. If I get close (or not) I would LOVE to come meet you :)
Insha'Allah things will get better once things calm down.
Just remember to be patient and remember "Allah burdens not a person beyond his scope." (2: 286)
Assalamualaikum. May Allah make it easy for you. I can relate to your experience with your parents. I learned about Islam in Indonesia in 1989 and it didn't take me long to accept Islam. I would never go back to being Christian. I read your story on myummah.co.za and here is how I responded to it:
"Assalamualaikum. I can certainly relate to the sister's story of when she accepted Islam. Twenty years ago, when I accepted Islam, my parents certainly were not happy about it. For a long time, my mother tried to get me to attend church. My father even wanted me to go to a church study group and when I wouldn't, he said I didn't know what I was doing and has at times treated me like I am ignorant. I have tried to explain to my father about Islam, but even now, he seems only to believe the anti-Islam propoganda from so many news outlets today.
Now I am married and have kids of my own. My mother is more accepting now than she used to be, but my father still seems to think that i am ignorant. He has tried to convince me that Halal food is somehow unhealthy. He has even tried to give my kids unhalal food and became angry when I wouldn't let them eat it. He seems to think that I am starving my kids. He still reacts negatively when he hears any mention of Islam in the news and sometimes seems to blame the actions of terrorists on me for being Muslim.
One of the blessings that Allah has given me is my wife. She has a strong iman and has certainly been a great source support to me. She helps me cope with my father's nagging and verbal abuse. I am thankful to Allah that I was able to marry her.
Insyah Allah, I hope that someday my parents will accept Islam."
Give them time to come around! They will, their anger is of a valid concern. They still love you! Give them time. And with the hijab question, just be honest. One of the things that I do when we are out as a family, I do some adjustments with the hijab. I don't wear the traditional style of hijab around my family. I will put a scarf on my head, leave the ends of the scarf down, place a hat on my head (like a straw hat or something cute), and then just bring the ends of the scarf around my neck! Wall-AH -- it looks great in the summer time.
You can also do the baseball cap look. You put on a hijabi head sock -- that is what I call them --covers your entire neck. You pick out the baseball cap you are going to wear with a matching scarf. Place the scarf on yer little head, tie a knot to secure it, place the baseball cap over the scarf, bring the scarf ends through the back of the hat, make a "bun" by wrapping the ends of the scarf. Ta-dah---Massahallah--you look beautiful and you are still covered up! This is a fun one to wear if you are going to a football/basketball game or if you want to keep the sun off your face.
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