What's the Purpose of Hijab?

So /i told some friends that I'm Muslim, and they've had some questions.  They accept my choice no matter what, and they understand the whole monotheism business, but they don't understand the purpose of hijab.

I know when it comes right down to it, we wear it because Allah commanded it.  But how do you explain that to a bunch of agnostics?  I know to not even try the "protection from men" argument, because I don't even buy that.  It doesn't matter what you have on, if a man has that type of character, it doesn't matter what you have on, you are still at risk. 

To me personally, it helps me feel a sense of community with the Muslim ummah and reminds me in public that all of my actions should glorify God/Allah.  Those are very personal reasons, though, and not ones that I think they will comprehend very well.  Especially since men have no distinguishing trait (unless you count the beard) that does the same for them.

So, do any of you, hijabis, want to be hijabis, non hijabis...I don't care your background...have an answer that has worked for your non-Muslim friends/acquaintances or even agnostic/atheist friends/acquaintances?  It's easier explaining to Christians because they can see similar practice in Judaism and evidence for it even in the Christian scriptures.  But non-believers....hmmm.

I'm stumped.

And that's why she's been my best friend for 23 years. :)

Before I could even bring up the Muslim issue my cousin was already asking me if I needed a full length dress for her wedding.  I was shocked into blurting, "Did you know I'm Muslim?"  And she didn't.  She just thought I was dressing more modestly for the sake of respecting my husband's culture, and she took that into consideration when looking for bridesmaid dresses.

I love her.  Everyone deserves a friend like that.

So after I bluntly spilled the beans, we discussed, she totally didn't act like it was a big deal (which is even better than the "you know I love you anyway"...because that implies a bit of disagreement, her reaction, which was almost a non-reaction, was better than I could have ever expected/imagined from the cousin I was baptized with!)

We went on to discuss wedding plans and potty training and everything was as it should be.  Why have I been scared for over a year and a half??  What have I been putting MYSELF through?

Alhumdullilah!  Alhumdullilah!

Also, day 3 of potty training and NO POTTY ACCIDENTS!!  Poop still needs work as does bedtime, but woohooo!

I'm on a roll.

Success!

I did it!  I messaged four 'girl' friends from highschool/college and told them that I'm Muslim!  I'm also trying to recruit them to spread 'gossip' (the true kind) to help with my "coming out campaign." 

I also messaged my former best friend (a boy) and apologized for totally snubbing him the summer I was pregnant/started considering Islam.  I am now more comfortable with myself and my beliefs and believe we can be friends, although we obviously won't hang out like we used to because I have a husband and a son and would no longer hang out one on one, anyway.  Regardless, I apologized because he did nothing wrong and I actually do miss him/feel totally guilty for making him feel like crap, etc. etc. 

Yay!  Alhumdullilah!

Here's praying, insha'Allah, that the courage stays through tomorrow and I actually call my cousin and tell her!

I could also use some prayers that potty training is as successful as tonight has been on the Muslim front.  :)

Courage

I wish I had the courage to just say, "Hey, I'm Muslim." As my facebook status.  Just get it all out there and done with.

I think I'm going to message some "close" (meaning they were once close in high school) friends and tell them.  They aren't religious so I don't think they'll care all that much, anyway.  Tomorrow I'm planning on calling my cousin and telling her, seeing as how her wedding is getting closer day by day and this small tidbit of info will impact her choice of bridesmaid dress.

Once the 'important' people know, then maybe I can throw it out there nonchalantly.  I'd feel like crap having people like my cousin find out that way, though, since she's my best friend.  So, starting tonight, I'm quitting all this ridiculous hiding.

I've had this blog for two years come August and I've just been typing the same thing over and over, "when will my parents know?" (which, they have for some time) "when will  my friends know?" "when will I wear hijab?" etc. etc.

It's exhausting and unproductive, all this "wondering" but never acting.  I waste so much time going over possible scenarios in my mind.

I'm done with it.  done. with. it.



Also, I am scarcely able to read blogs anymore because homemaking, potty training, and graduate school have taken over my life.

Potty training being the most recent, and most aggressive, culprit.  :)

Life

I'm still here.  I hadn't even checked blogger for over a week it seems.  It's hard to catch up with everyone after taking a break...

I'm enjoying our new home much more than I thought I would.  4 and a half hours doesn't seem so far.  I'm currently at my parents house.  We're "home" again, this time for immigration business.  I actually wasn't ready to come back home to visit this weekend.  It's a feeling I didn't think I'd have.  I apparently like the additional independence that comes with living further away.  We talk to my parents on skype basically every night, but I don't mind not being at every single event that I was previously expected to go to.  Yes, family events can be fun, but yes, I need time to nurture my own small family of my husband, son, and self.  The move has really helped our marriage.  With my family and his friends hours away we have more time to focus on one another.  We had gotten into a routine where we almost ignored one another, and it took a serious change of scenery for us to start to change that. 

I felt a great peace when I was praying/making du'a last night.  It was the first time in a long time that I've felt almost a literal embrace from God.  I'm at peace with myself and Islam and hope to make some serious strides forward.

I've become a bit of a hermit, and sadly, I don't mind.  In our new house I have a card table to do puzzles, a piano, a son, a husband, and one graduate class.  That is enough to keep me occupied.  I didn't leave the house for almost a week.  Even now that I'm home, I posted on facebook about it/telling friends in case they wanted to get together.  Only one friend replied, which is expected because the others are also out of town or we've fallen out of touch...but even that one friend, used to be the best of the best, I didn't respond.  I didn't really want to get together.

It's weird.  Because I'm not depressed, I'm not withdrawing to go sulk...I just kind of like my comfortable little routine. 

We'll see.  I know I need friends in our new town.  Story Time at the library next Wednesday is supposed to get me an "in" with some moms...I hope my hijab doesn't turn them off.  Despite the excellent company of my piano, I could use some girly companionship and my son could definitely use a playmate.

Total Chaos

We moved our stuff out of our apartment 12/29/10.  We lived in our brother-in-law's apartment until 1-8-10.  We lived in our new Kentucky home until 1-10-10.  And now I'm living back at my parents until 1-19-10.

My son is totally confused about where we live.  I am tired of living out of a suitcase.  I never imagined it would be close to a  month after beginning to move before we were actually able to settle in.  We were starting to settle, but my dad called on the 10th with the shocking (and heartbreaking) news that my uncle had died of a heart attack.  So, my husband, God bless him, drove me four hours super late at night so that I could be with my family as we mourn.  He drove the four hours back the following day for school.  He tried his best to make it back for the funeral but it just didn't work out.

How is it one day you're alive and well, and the next day you're not?  I think of my uncle at Christmas and on New Year's Eve, how full of life and whitty/racist remarks he was...and then I think of him at the funeral home.  There in body, but not really there at all.  Not really there at all.

May Allah have mercy on his soul.  He certainly didn't consider himself a religious man, but he was a kind soul who did more for others than he ever did for himself.  I don't know where he is now, but I pray he's at peace.

Still not where I wanted to be...

It seems I'm always looking to future events and telling myself, I'll wear hijab after that, insha'Allah, after that, no, after that.  (graduation, my wedding, my sister's wedding, for example).

But new "events" that would put my hijab on public display just keep popping up.  Making me use the same phrase in my  head again and again, yet no longer believing it.  I'm tired of wearing hijab "part-time."  I want to actually embrace it as a part of my faith.  But fear of judgment and people's reaction to me (disowning, simple discomfort that could isolate me more than I already am, etc.) holds me in the same place I was at a year ago.  Where is the progress?  I have made small strides, but I'm still disappointed in myself.

My sister's wedding was really holding me back.  It was hard enough to get her to let me choose an alternative dress and wear a 3/4 sleeve cardigan, if I had asked to wear a headscarf there would've been huge arguments, etc. and we didn't need that at the time.

Now my cousin/best friend has asked me to be in her wedding.  And the fear starts again.  What dress will she choose?  How will I tell her that I need to modify it?  Will I be wearing a headscarf by August?  She is my BEST FRIEND (and has been for the past 23 years...and yes, we're both 23), but she doesn't know of my conversion.  She is a totally different person than my sister, though, and I know if I asked for a modest dress she'd be all sure!  Wear what you want!  Where my sister had this "perfect" wedding vision, my cousin said the most expensive thing she wants in her wedding is the mixed nuts.  No, really, she said that.  So I know she'd be accommodating if I'd just ask, but I'm afraid.  She lives 4 hours north of our hometown, and i'm moving 4 hours south...so there are more than 8 hours in between us and I will probably see her at most, 3 times before the wedding this August.  There were so many times I wanted to tell her about me and Islam when she was home visiting, I don't want to do it through e-mail/facebook and I especially don't want to do it on the phone (I hate talking on the phone...).  I'm running out of options, though.  And the longer I don't tell her, the more likely a dress dilemma becomes.  Also, hiding it from her has put a bit of strain on our relationship.  I'm sure she's noticed, but not commented, that I just seem a bit distant, like I'm holding back and am more reserved.  Which, I am, because I'm keeping a HUGE part of my life from her.

Will there be a point in my life that I can quit worrying about "coming out," if you will.  I thought telling my parents would start the ball rolling for the rest of the family to find out.  BUT, my parents are guarding this secret like none other (they're embarrassed and also afraid of judgment) and since telling them almost nothing has happend with the rest of the family.

I can't take the standstill, anymore!

In addition to my cousin's wedding, my high school reunion is to be this year.  First I was looking forward to it, there are a lot of people I truly miss.  BUT, I'm not the same person I was in high school.  And although I didn't drink in high school, I often hung out with them when they did and know well enough that our reunion will turn into a total drunk fest.  First off, it's only been 5 years, we're all 23/24 and most are still totally immature.  Secondly, our class president, who's in charge of planning it, is a total party girl and anything she plans is not going to be high class.  So now, I went from looking forward to it to dreading it, within about two day's time.  My husband hates to be around alcohol, anyway (which, I do to, but am more used to it's presence), so getting him to go w/me will be a chore.  I'll obviously be dressed modestly, whether or not I decide to go full headscarf, and will stick out like a sore thumb, especially if it's in the summer.  I do want to wear hijab to, well, kill about 112 bird with one scarf, so to speak.  But, is a gathering that will most likely contain alcohol the proper place to say, Hey, I'm a Muslim!  Not really because alcohol is haram, they all know from high school that I don't drink anyway, but because they'll be drunk and more likely to make really lame jokes about my serious decision to be Muslim.  I consider(ed) them my friends in high school, went to their parties and watched them drink themselves stupid, yet, they always mocked my devotion to Christianity a bit.  Now I'll be even more religious and conservative in their eyes and frankly, I'm tired of being the brunt of their jokes yet know I'll be putting myself up for more of the same.

Gah.  It's like high school all over again!  A part of me thinks I miss these people, but do I really?  What are real friends?  We had some fun together, but did they really respect me and my decision to go against the crowd, or were they mocking me more often than not?  I remember one occasion where I really felt accepted, was when it came out that I had lost my virginity before our friend Justin (by a few months).  He almost died when he found out that the goody-two-shoes of the group had "gotten laid" (to use our crude speech) before him.  I remember being proud of that fact, even though I knew I shouldn't.  Even though I knew I was manipulated, lied to, and used.  Even though I'm still just shy of calling it rape.  I still basked in that feeling of belonging, of surprising them with my dirty little secret.

This post took a wrong turn.  :/  I make myself sick.  Maybe I should forgo the reunion and just meet up with some close friends.