I hate where I'm at in my life right now. Trapped between my family and my husband. Trapped between Christianity and Islam.My dad was being really weird today. They (my family) notice changes in me, and they don't like them. Most often they just step around the issues like walking on eggshells...but every once in awhile, they feel their glare at my long pants is not enough, every once in awhile, they feel the need to speak their concerns.
On Sunday I had a family reunion. I wore a floor length skirt. My dad objected, "It's going to be 94 degrees!" "Uh-huh," my response. Tired of asking the same question, today he makes it a statement, today he has accepted defeat. "You don't wear shorts anymore." There is so much embedded in that statement, hatred for my submission, hatred for my husband's control over me.... "I can. I choose not to." Discussion closed. Easier for him to believe my husband is controlling than to believe I think God expects this of me.
Monday. Today. I added Arabic to my schedule for the fall semester because it's my last semester on campus. I'm on scholarship, so if I were to take Arabic after graduation, I'd be out about $700. My dad gets home from work. "Did mom tell you I changed my schedule? I don't have lunch anymore."
"What, no, she didn't tell me? When are you going to pump(breastmilk for your son)?"
"Mom will feed him babyfood and juice while I'm gone. I'll be home by 1:30, I can just eat and feed him when I get home. It's my last semester so I decided to add Arabic. It conflicted with my registered English class, so I had to choose a new one. The only one with room meets during lunch."
(getting upset) "ARABIC? Why would you take that?"
"You know I've been wanting to learn. Teaching myself obviously hasn't been working that well. (My son) will speak it, too, you know. It'd be nice to understand him."
"I just don't want you becoming Muslim. (his greatest fear) You're scaring me. I don't want you to go crazy on me."
"What does me taking Arabic even have to do with that?"
conversation ends with the above rhetorical question.
Jump to....tonight. Presently. As I'm typing. My father keeps coming back in my room and sharing another tidbit of "advice." Although his advice is not advice at all...they're commands.
I walked in my room, and my dad sheepishly followed me in. I smoothly ask "and you're in my room because...?" I can tell something big is on his mind, but instead he goes on about a babysitter for my birthday (next week) and who's driving to the amusement park this weekend. Oookay? I wait for the bombshell.
3
2
1
"There is something else I want to ask. I, I don't really know what or how I want to ask. You know you have to stay Christian, right?" (of course, father, I know I have no choice but to blindly follow your religion)
"yeah"
"And you know you can't just start thinking that being a Muslim is alright? Cause it's not. They need Jesus." (actually you need to get your focus back on God, but....)
"Yeah, Dad."
"And you're getting married (next summer, legally) for love, not just because you have a baby, right?"
"Yes, Dad" (this one is actually true)
"He still treats you good."
"Yes, Dad."
"He doesn't force you to do stuff like a Muslim? I mean, how many things can you not do that you would like to?" (hug boys (i.e. my cousins, hubby got jealous about that), wear shorts, go swimming...but it's really not due to my husband, it's due to the fact that I need to please Allah with my actions)
"Nothing, Dad."
"(looking questioningly)okay, it's just, you aren't one of them. You're an American with a voice, I want to make sure that you're being heard in your relationship. You shouldn't have to live under the oppression that women live under in Muslim countries."
(breaking the pattern) "and you know how people live in other countries how?" (by the biased news, that's how. my dad hasn't left the country since he was 12)
"Your fights with (your husband)...they aren't because he wants you to do Muslim things? They're just for normal reasons, right?"
"Yeah, Dad. Everyone fights."
"But not all the time, right?"
"No, it's not all the time. And it's normal little things."
"Okay, normal things. Like the baby, good." (uh, what?)
I continue, "You're making me uncomfortable, could you please leave me alone?" (sweetly, honestly, I wasn't being rude)
he leaves.
3 minutes later. Re-entry.
"I just have to say one more time, you can't think that being Muslim is okay. Saying that you don't need Jesus for salvation is the same as rejecting him."
"Uh-huh, Dad. You're in my room again."
Exit.
2 minutes later.
"And I'm worried about (your son). Are you still going to be able to go to (our church) once you're married, or will you always have to go to that one out of town (the one he thinks I go to every other weekend...)"
"We don't even know where we'll live yet, Dad. We both need jobs."
"Well, if you want Mom to continue to watch (your son) it'll have to be nearby..."
"We BOTH need jobs. Then we'll decide where to live."
"Well, I like (neighboring county)."
"Uh-huh."
"(your husband) could get Dave to hire him full-time after graduation." (he's working for Dave now at our university for his internship...my father also works at our university...how convenient!)
"I don't really think that's what he had in mind."
"Why? I don't want him only looking for jobs in Musim 'enclaves.'"
"He's not just looking for a job in "Muslim enclaves," he's looking for a job, period. But the one at (university) isn't what he had in mind. He wanted to work for a company."
"Alright."
"Now could you please stay out of my room? I don't want to have to lock the door on you?"
laughs as he exits
My dad also acted like if I was planning on living as a Muslim after we got married (which is actually the plan), that he wouldn't let us get married at all.
WHAT????
I hate myself for not taking the opportunity to actually tell him...he gave me the perfect opening. I just don't want to live in the hell my family will create for me for the next 10 months. My dad now throws Jesus into all conversations. My brother innocently mentioned that our grandma's been watching reruns of 'Touched by an Angel.' "I don't like that show," dad replied. "What, we always watched it?" "They don't mention Jesus. It's no good if they don't point to baptism as the key to salvation."
UGH!!
My poor father left my room in good spirits thinking he had confirmed my unshaking faith and convinced me that living nearby is necessary for our happiness and well being.
If he only knew what i was typing as he was talking. I was honestly typing this in between his interrogations.
I'm afraid God gave me this uncomfortable opening for dialogue. And I didn't take it.
I'm a chicken.
I don't know how to get past this.
18 comments:
Do you mind that I kind of laughed? lol, that was a very interesting conversation, but insha'Allah God will give you plenty of opportunities to tell your parents.
i stumbled across your blog that truly resonated with me. while i am born muslim my fiance is a convert (or revert - whichever 'wordology' you prefer) and my mum is like your dad - totally not thrilled about it! we got engaged and she was opposed to it... on grounds that his not arab...
i had stayed silent for so long; there will come a point where you feel that enough is enouhg - you are NOT a chicken; you are going with your gut instinct - which i thank Allah i listened to (as well as prayer, asking Allah to make the correct pathfor me to walk on easier) instead of what everyone else thought i should do.
In the end they will work it out - albeit begrudgingly...
My other half hasn't told his extended family; his parents don't really care (but his a boy and regardless what a person says in relation to feminism it is FAR easier for a boy as there are not such obvious changes like long skirts, etc)as everything seems pretty much the same. His rationale of not telling his extended family is that:
A) they haven't asked him what religion he is
B) to him its none of their business
PS: he comes from a greek and italian background - as you can imagine religion is pretty important to them!
Good luck...
It´s hard I know!
But think about it like this:
he really cares for you, you can tell, he is worried and affraid of his daughter not knowing if she will be safe! I think that is his main concern! take this post and look at his arguments and then look after the awnsers in the quran so next time you talk and you want to tell him then you can show him what its really like and that he need not to worry. like the jesus thing, show him what the quran says about jesus that he is highly respected in islam and the woman thing, show him all the rights women have in islam! maybe then when you are ready to tell him this, he will be a little more positive than now.... maybe :)
Salam
Maybe you should try to explain the view that islam has on Jesus? That he is a vital and important part of the reappearnce of the Mehdi? Mention the verses in the holy Quran about Jesus and his wonders?
As for Jesus beeing god or hte son of god, your dad should try to read about arianism, that christian faith didnt see Jesus as god...
Good luck sis and dont worry sometimes its better to be silent :)
Salaam, I am sorry to hear of the difficulties you are facing.
I have some advice that worked for me so here it goes:
Basically, what is happening in your family is that your parents (as it natural for parents) are fearing for "the worst case scenario" - and "the worst case scenairo" is based on every horror story they have ever heard about the treatment of women in Islam.
What could help is if you sat down with your parents - maybe with your husband - and assured them that what they most fear is not going to happen. That you will still be a part of their lives and you are not being captured by some terrorist who seeks to beat you, lock you in a room and ban you from seeing your family.
Let them rip. Let them spill out all of their fears and one by one, comfort them that their fears and what is really happening are different things. Be open and honest with them.
I went through this with my grandparents when I started going to mosque(who are also Muslims, but not traditonal / practicing ones) and it turned out that they were really scared I would be abused, that I would choose a life of poverty and share my future husband with many women, get beaten, that my future daughters would not be allowed to be educated etc etc, that I would not be allowed into their home anymore and so on...loads of fears that have come from what they have seen with their own eyes.
The best advice I can give you is to sit in front of them and have it all out on the table. That way: you only go through the torture once.
Going through one terribly uncomfortable discussion is better than going through a lifetime of uncomfortable hinting.
Sometimes - we need to face the pain and be done with it. It never lasts longer than it has to - unless we ourselves drag it out ;0)
God is with the believers - so fear not! You can do it!
I look forward to reading how it went inshaAllah ;0D
Big smiles!
Peace and blessings, Jasmine ;0) x
Well I will be honest with you, at this point your Dad sounds like a misinformed, yet very well intentioned and caring father. He really loves and cares about you.
I think putting yourself in his shoes will make it a bit easier to break the news to him easily.
In my opinion, I would let them know that you are converting/ed while you are still living with them, so they CAN freak out, but then talk with you and see how things haven't really changed much with you.. I would bring over the boyfriend often also so you can hang out and interact in front of your parents and ease their fears.
I went through this also hun, not as severely because my family is not religious, but I had uncles saying I was going to be kidnapped, all of that. What I did was bring my husband around alot, and I let them ask me anything they wanted and I tried to inform them and ease their fears as much as possible. But I was firm in my decisions and convictions, if people became ignorant and rude, I would firmly shun their comments and shut them up. It is ok to question, but not to be prejudice, that is offensive to my husband as a human being. The more they see your husband as a good guy, the more they will hold their tongues and disrespect, although the fear may never stop.
As far as the Christian thing, that may be the hardest for your family to swallow, but, reminding them of what being a good Christian means (forgiveness, tolerance, acceptance, etc..) can give them a chance to truly practice their religion..
I wish you the best of luck hun, and the hardest part will be telling them. Once you get that out of the way you can face anything... If your convictions are firm enough to possibly be disowned, then you might as well face it now while you are living with them, so they can see you are a smart young woman who has made this decision for yourself, not for your man.
Maybe now it is your turn to "walk in" on your Dad and spill the truth.
salam sis... a friend pointed me in the direction of your blog and I have to say, I totally know (well sort of) what youre going through,,, its hard, but Allah only tests us with what he knows we can cope with. Thats what I keep reminding myself! insha'allah it will work out for you and eventually you can live with hubby and your little one in peace.
It's so inspiring reading your blog, Nikki. The best things in life can be our mistakes. They kinda stay there and slowly become. something.
Keep writing :)
Quest
It might be easier to tell them when you are legally married. Wait, how old are you?
But telling your father i think would be easier because then it would make everyone know where things stand, because its obvious deep down they know.
Good luck on a new chapter of your life! Life itself is all about accepting and coping the numerous challenges which god has already set forth. So go ahead , be courageous to venture into your new beginnings!
www.aynzan.blogspot.com
Awww, sounds like your dad cares a lot about you. It will take some time but I'm sure you will find the right moment to let your family know.
inshallah it will work out in the end
@Modest Justice - it's okay. :) I'd probably laugh too if I weren't so terrified. My dad tends to overanalyze and it can be humorous...if it's in regards to someone else, of course!
@Farah - How nice it must be to be born Muslim and not have to tell your parents... Like your fiance, I, too, am from an Italian background. My dad 'converted' from his parents half-a$$ed Catholicism when my mother introduced him to the protestant side of things, though. Pre-my mother, he basically wasn't religious at all, but now...my oh my. He teaches Sunday school, prays aloud at restaurants, and doesn't let us pierce our ears, watch movies with witches, or read Harry Potter. I so wish I could wear hijab all the time, but it's an obvious public declaration of faith that I just can't make yet. It IS far easier for boys to blend, there's no denying that. Thanks for the luck...I need it. :)
@ Cecilia - Thanks for the advice. I am trying to get a good collection of positive Muslim books 1)for myself and 2)for my parents to read so that they can understand true Islam and not just what they see on TV. I'm starting to think that I'll tell them through a letter. I can express myself better in writing, and it will give me a chance to get all of the important thoughts out there before they interrupt me with yelling and talk of 'rejecting Jesus.' I know that they'll only be upset because they truly care about me and my salvation, I think it will be a long hard road to acceptance, though.
@ Bahlool - as I just told Cecilia, I'm building quite the library of books to share with my parents, one of them being "Mis-God'ed" which is an excellent book about early Christianity and how 'deviant' unitarian sects were sometimes completely wiped out. This book really helped me on my journey, using the words of Jesus in the Bible that I had read many times before to point me to Islam. I know it's too much to hope it will have the same effect on my parents, I just hope it has at least a little impact on opening doors for dialogue.
@ Jasmine - "Going through one terribly uncomfortable discussion is better than going through a lifetime of uncomfortable hinting." You are so right! I wrote a two-page (single spaced) letter to my parents explaining my conversion and also reassuring them that they have done an absolutely wonderful job of raising me. Once I get up the courage to give them the letter, I'm sure a sit-down discussion will follow. I think I'd like my husband to be there, because as a 'veteran' Muslim, he can (hopefully) ease their fears about certain things better than I can. I think my parents fear that if I become Muslim I'll pack up and move to KSA and completely leave my old life. That's not so, of course. I want my parents involved in mine and my son's life whether we have religious differences or not.
@ Sarah Elizabeth - you hit it right on the nose. My dad doesn't understand Islam at all, but I honestly couldn't ask for a better father. He has supported me through thick and thin, and I know with time we'll get through this, as well. Our relationship may never be 100% the same, and that hurts, but I know we can remain close. I think I will tell them prior to moving out, mainly just because I can't stand this tension and sneaking around in hijab until next May/June. They love my husband, but hate his religion. We've both tried to tell them that it's his religion that makes him the wonderful, kind, caring, moral person that he is today. It was his Islamic morals that I found so attractive in the first place (and my conservative Christian ones likewise).
As I've alluded to in previous entries, my parents don't accept our Islamic marriage, so they view our child as being 'out of wedlock' and thus, a sin. I thought telling them I was pregnant was going to be the scariest moment of my life...and well, it was. But telling them this is honestly going to be worse. Not even exaggerating. We worked through the unplanned baby, though, (they love him to pieces) and I have faith that we can, in time, work through this. Thanks for all of your wonderful advice. I love hearing people's personal experiences!
@ Adv.Ammena - Thanks! If things go terribly wrong when I tell them, I guess I'll be living w/hubby sooner rather than later. I don't want it to be that way, though. I want us all to be on good terms, with my parents consistently in mine and my son's life. I know there will no doubt be turbulence for weeks or even months. Time has a way of mending things, though, if you let it. (grandchildren have a way of mending things, too. ;)
@ Quest - Thanks so much! I'll definitely keep writing, it's nice to have an outlet for these things. Writing things down helps me to really stop and look at my life. :)
@AlabasterMuslim - I'm 21, 22 next week. At times I'd like to wait so I don't have to live with it daily...but they're expecting me to plan a Christian wedding ceremony, and pointing out strapless dresses in magazines...and I don't know how to say 'no, No, NO!' without just spilling the whole truth. I think it'll come out before then...this conversation proves that things aren't going unnoticed. In it's own time, it'll all play out. :/
@aynzan - Thanks! I think once I'm in school and not home so often it'll be easier because I'll have a chance to get away for a bit, daily. I've got to trust that God will tell me when it's the right time. The question is, will I listen? :)
@Hijabee - Thanks. My dad is pretty awesome...I just feel like this not telling them is causing me to distance myself from them. I don't like it, but I'm scared of disappointing them. It'll all play out in it's own time, Insh'Allah. I just have to trust.
@SaraZara - Insh'Allah it will. The more I put it off the longer I suffer from my thoughts of what 'will' happen. It'd probably be better to just throw it out there and get it over with. It's gonna be rough, no doubt, but procrastinating doesn't make them any more prepared.
That sounds so incredibly difficult. I write posts on Laila's blog (Random Weavings) about my conversion and how I can't tell my parents about it because they will react the same way your father is. You commented on one of the posts saying that I am not alone, and I am here to tell you that neither are you. It is beyond frustrating and upsetting to be forced to hide something you love so much from your parents, especially since your parents are the people you should love and trust the most. People tell me all the time that I should just tell my parents and that everything will be fine, but they don't realize that sometimes being honest just isn't an option. Alhamdulillah, it is great that you have a husband that supports you and your Islam, especially since (ALLAHu Alim) there are lots of people who have no one to support them. InshAllah, Ramadan will be here very soon. Make du'a and ask ALLAH to help you through all this, and remember that ALLAH is the Most Merciful and the Protecting Friend. I wish you all the best, InshAllah.
You do have a lot to work through with your parents. First, it doesn't sound like your dad understands Christian theology so well himself. I don't know what he means about baptism being the key to salvation, but that isn't scriptural.
Anyway, since you are still attending church and are outwardly a Christian to them you have an opportunity. Study Christian theology and read the Bible. Look up questions you have in commentaries and such. I
f you have this knowledge readily available in your mind, maybe you will have better answers to things that your dad says. It will also have the added benefit in making yourself more sure in your own decision as becoming Muslim is concerned.
I don't understand why not wearing shorts and such bothers him. The Baptist church I grew up in didn't allow shorts at all for girls and pants were discouraged. We usually wore them under our skirts in the winter. No tank tops or sleeveless clothes either. When we went swimming at summer camp as kids they made us swim in culottes and loose T-shirts. Modestly isn't only for Muslims anyway.
I hope the next 10 mos are as peaceful for you and your family as possible.
"let" you get married? What does he think he can do, control you?
""and you know how people live in other countries how?" "
Because everyone you see on tv and in the news is true of course! /sarcasm.
You have to live your life. I am sure it's hard when you are living with your family. I have only read a bit of your blog, and your dad already seems like quite a trip.
Even though I am not Muslim anymore, I believe in everyone's right to choose their beliefs. So do what you feel is right for you. If your family doesn't accept it, well then they can deal with it. (yep, I'm snarky lol)
Hugs!
Anisah
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